&. 



a A 









'"* ^ 



,V -A 









A- A 



AA c ' , 










A- 






oH ^ 













^ '% 






o 1 


o 

"O 


- . 




^ v : 


- 







^ - 



'A- v 

.0 






'A-A'. 










N ^. 






O0 v 



y s 



v 




■^ A 

,A A, 



A' ** 



W 









^0 o 






b0' 



,■$- A- *" 




'. A- V* 



4> 






, ^ V^ 



^c5> 



V' * 



:* 



\V cA, 



<y\, >• 









* . 






* «fpv & ^ 



V x ~ 



AV.,^ 



<A \ 



A xV 












o 






tf 



*° 






* H 
Ap A X ■ 



o^ "Tj 



\> 



A .«L' 









.Oo 















' 



^' ^ 






A^ ^ ^ * y 



C5> 



J ^ V< V 



^ A> 






x° °* 


r . 


» 8 , 


















■ 






*> -u. 















' 



^ 












V 






^>^ 



'■ , X \X V '^ \ ~;-0"~ : 



V s 



% 



<f .\\ 






^ 






*. V* 



; 



,4 ^ 












,0 a 



o-V- 



aN 



Polite Life 



What is Right in Etiquette 



AND 



The Social Arts 



BY 
GEORGENE CORRY 






Manners are the shadows of great virtues. "— Whateley. 
"Solid Fashion is funded politeness." — Emerson. 



ILLUSTRATED 



W. B CONKEY COMPANY, 

PUBLISHERS, 

CHICAGO, ILL. 

1895. 




/4420~CLci 



i 



?$? 



COPYEIGHT 1895. 

— BY— 
ROBT. O. LAW. 



All rights reserved. 



PREFACE. 



r[7HERB is no country where there are so many 
people asking what is "proper to do," or, 
indeed, where there are so many genuinely anxious 
to do the proper thing, as in the vast conglom- 
erate which we call The United States of America. 
The newness of our country is perpetually renewed 
by the sudden making of fortunes, and by the 
absence of a hereditary, reigning set. There is 
no aristocracy here which has the right and title 
to set the fashion. 

We contend that it is in no way deroga- 
tory to a new country like our own, if on some 
minor points of etiquette we presume to differ 
from older countries. We find it necessary to fit 
our garments to the climate, our manners to our 
fortunes and our habits and customs to the 
demands of the age in which we live. We 
have, however, many faults and inelegancies of 
which foreigners justly accuse us, which we can 
easily correct by a little careful study of this 
book, which is given to the people after much 
thought based on common sense and every-day life. 



11 PREFACE. 

The design of this work is to furnish ample 
and satisfactory information on all those subjects 
that are embraced under the word ' ' Etiquette, ' ' 
to the end that the readers may have before them 
the best thoughts on the topics considered. 

The classification of the work is such, that 
by the aid of the Table of Contents, the place 
where any topic or sub-topic is treated can be 
found almost instantaneously. 

In addition to the subject matter properly 
belonging to Etiquette, there is given much kin- 
dred information collated from the most reliable 
sources. 

That the book might be prepared in the 
best manner, and free from the impress of one 
person's views, a number of writers have been 
selected, whose . education and opportunities render 
them peculiarly fitted for treating the subjects on 
which they have written. In this way we are 
enabled to furnish the ladies and gentlemen, boys 
and girls of America, with the most complete 
work on Etiquette that has yet been presented 
to our people. 



CONTENTS. 



CHAPTER I. 



Our Home — Natural Politeness — Etiquette — Husband and Wife — Our 
Life at Home — Etiquette at Home — Refined Taste — Manners and 
their Value — A Mother's Influence — Be Honest — Ambition — Re- 
spect—Do not Quarrel or Complain — "In Honor Preferring One 
Another" — Govern by Love — Reading a Blessing What to Read — 
Choosing Books — The Library — Our Language — Religious Train- 
ing —Choose Well- - Life-Calling Pages 13-35 



CHAPTER II. 

Necessity of Introducing — Introducing Escorts to Dinner — Exclusive- 
ness — Social Endorsement — Gentleman to a Lady — Without Cere- 
mony—Proper Introduction — During Calls — Family Introductions — 
Titles — Necessary — Our Duty — Recognition — Bad Conduct — 
Street Introductions — Introducing One's Self — Customs Governing 
Introductions — Introductions by Letter — Delivering Letters — Duty 
of the One Addressed— Business Letters — Summary of Introduc- 
tions — Introductions at Presidential Receptions. , Pages 36-61 



CHAPTER III. 

Discretional Civilities — America and Other Countries — Cultivate a Civil 
Manner— Traveling — Courtesy — Good Manners — Our Duty — Bad 
Style Page 62-7 1 



viii CONTENTS. 



CHAPTER IV. 

Societ/ — Humble Society — Social Laws — England's Queen — Judge 
Not — False Culture — Young Lady — Young Gentleman — Counter- 
feits — American Society — Affected or Natural — Be Natural — So- 
ciety and Dress — Conversation from the Heart — Gossiping — Mod- 
esty — The Young Man in Society — Respect — Money ..Pages 72-86 

CHAPTER V. 

Meeting and Greeting — Kinds of Salutations — The Young to the Old — 
New Acquaintance — Promenades or Driving — Some Antiquated 
Expressions — Two Sexes Only — Common Words of Greeting — 
Hearty Expression of Good Will — Frankness and Cordiality — A 
Kiss— A Friendship Kiss — Public Kissing. ............ Pages 87-95 

CHAPTER VI. 

Our Conversation — The Art of Conversing — Memory — Talk Correctly — 
A Fluent Talker — A Good Listener — Unselfishness — Complaints — 
Common Every-day Talk — Double Wrong — Satire and Ridicule — 
Secret of Conversation — How a Husband Should Speak of His 
Wife — How a Lady Should Speak of Her Husband — Impertinent 
Questions — Vulgar Exclamations — Avoid These Pages 96-106 

CHAPTER VII. 

Etiquette of Notes Acceptances and Regrets — Hesitancy — The Host 
and Hostess — The Eldest Daughter — Officers, Bachelors and Club 
Members — To Luncheon — Punctuality and Regrets — Friends in 
Mourning — Stylish-^French Idioms — Regret — Address and De- 
livery . o .Pages 107- 1 17 

CHAPTER VIII. 

Etiquette of Cards,Condolence and Congratulation— Compliment Cards — 
Condolence — Congratulations — Ceremony — Courtesy — Gentleman's 
Card — Lady's Card— Mother's and Daughter's Cards — Young 
Lady's Card — Husband and Wife — Tea and Coffee Cards, 
Etc. — P. P. C. Cards — Mourning Cards — Miscellaneous Invita- 
tions. ., „ Pages 118-131 



CONTENTS. ix 

CHAPTER IX. 
Maxims and Business — Rules for Business — Money — Credit and .-Let- 
ters Pages 132 • 140 

CHAPTER X. 

Balls and Receptions— Flowers — Partners — Convenience of Balls — 
Serving vSupper — Be Careful not to Offend — Leave-Taking — 
Home Sacred— Covering the Floor — Smoking— Balls— Prepara- 
tions for Balls — Music — Dancing — Introducing at Balls— Invita- 
tions — Country Parties — Sunday Hospitalities — Five o'clock Tea — 
Informal Receptions — Formal Receptions — Receiving— After Calls — 
Supper — Duties of Those Invited — A Gentleman's Duty — The 
Escort's Duty — Etiquette of Receptions and Balls,. .Pages 141-163 

CHAPTER XI. 

Weddings — Duty of the Groom's Family — The Presents — Home Wed- 
dings — After the Tour — Leaving Cards — Courtship — The Gentle- 
man — The Lady — Proposals — Acquaintance Before Marriage — 
Manner of Courtship— Vigilance by Parents — Happiest State for 
Man and Woman — Mutual Confidence— Unwelcome Suit — A Lady's 
First Refusal — Rejected Suitor — Duties of an Engaged Couple — 
Breaking an Engagement — Church Weddings — Mourning Dress at 
Wedding— The Brides-maids and Groomsman— Admission Cards — 
Requirements of Brides-maids and Ushers — Cards — Evil of Lib- 
erty — Spring and Summer Weddings- -Out -of- Town Weddings — 
Bonnets and Hats Pages 164-187 

CHAPTER XII. 

Paper, Wood, Tin, Silver and Golden Weddings — Wooden Wedding — 
Tin Wedding — Crystal Wedding — China Wedding — Silver Wed- 
ding — Golden Wedding — Diamond Wedding Pages 188-191 

CHAPTER XIII. 

Dining Rooms and Dinners — Ornamenting — Dinners — Dining Room — 
Servants — Invitations to Dinner — The Invitation — The Accept- 
ance — Note Declining Invitation — Success or Failure — Entering 
the Dining Room — Our Manner — After Dessert — General Rules — 
Eating — Luncheon — Informal Luncheons — Our Custom — Supper — 
Fork and Spoon — Napkins. ...„,, Pages 192-215 



CONTENTS. 



CHAPTER XIV. 



Etiquette of Riding and Driving — Duty of an Escort — A P*-op»» 
Mount — To Dismount — Equestrian Etiquette — Driving — P.ope» 
Dress for Driving Pages 216-220 



CHAPTER XV. 



Games and Amusements — Chess— Archery — Boating — Lawn Tennis — 
Outings — Card-Playing Page 221 -225 



CHAPTER XVI. 
Precious Stones Pages 226-227 

CHAPTER XVII. 
Language of Flowers Pages 228-246 

CHAPTER XVIII. 



Polite Life's Rules for Writing Letters — Beginning of Letter-Writing — 
Write Dignified Letters — Proper Letters — Improper Letters — 
Heading — The Introduction — Business Letters — The Body of the 
Letter — The Conclusion — The Stamp— A Social Letter — A Busi- 
ness Letter — Letters of Introduction — Family Letters — Letters 
of Friendship — Love Letters — Replies — Epistolary Composi- 
tion Pages 247-278 



CONTENTS. 



CHAPTER XIX. 



Etiquette of Funerals — Funeral Invitations — Arrangements — House oi 
Mourning — The Services — Pall-Bearers — The Procession — Calls 
Upon the Bereaved Family — Mourning — Mourning Respected — 
Period of Mourning — Letters of Condolence — The Body and 
Coffin — Cards — Condolence Pages 279-292 



CHAPTER XX. 



European Titles — Royalty — Nobility — Gentry — The Suffix, "Esq." — 
Imperial Rank — Empty Titles — French Titles Pages 293-296 



CHAPTER XXI. 
Courtesy v . . . Pages 297-299 

CHAPTER XXII. 

Colors that Harmonize — Harmonious Jewels Pages 300-308 

CHAPTER XXIII. 



Visiting — Visiting Distant Friends— Surprising Your Friends— Length 
of Visit — Duty of Visitors — Duty of Host or Hostess . . Pages 309-313 



xii CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER XXIV. 

Etiquette for Boys and Girls Pages 314-325 

CHAPTER XXV. 

RECIPES. 

How to be Beautiful — The Hands and Face — The Secrets of Beauty- 
Powders and Cosmetics — Complexion Wash — To Clear a Tanned 
Skin — How to Make the Hair Curl — Wrinkles — Pearl Water for the 
Face — Pearl Dentifrice — Wash for Blotched Face — Face Powder — 
Bandoline — A Good Wash for the Hair — To Remove Dandruff — 
To Preserve the Hair — To Prevent the Hair from Turning Gr^y — 
Cure for Baldness — To Restore Gray Hair — Hair (Removed by 
Fevers — Tonic for the Hair — Curling and Crimping the Hair — 
Brushing the Hair — Care of the Teeth — To Clean Black Teeth — 
To Clean the Teeth and Gums — To Beautify the Teeth — Toothache 
Preventive — Wash for the Teeth — To Make Lip Salve — Remedy 
for Chapped Hands — Lotion to Remove Freckles — To Remove 
Sunburn — Tan — Freckles — For Clothes that Fade — Lamp-wicks — 
To Make Old Scrap-books Nearly Equal to New — To Clean Kid 
Gloves — Home Dressmaking — A Woman's Skirt — Perspiration — ■ 
To Ward Off Mosquitoes — For Soft Corns — To Remove Corns — 
Ingrowing Nails — To Remove Warts — Remember. . .Pages 326.354 



POLITE UFE. 



CHAPTER I. 



OUR HOME. 

SOME 
may be 
the bright- 
est, most 
cheerful 
and happy 
§jj| place on 
earth, or it 
may be di- 
rectly the 
opposite. 
Men toil to 

make it the grandest of all institutions, and women 
strive to beautify it and make it the most attractive; 
while all can contribute to its joys and happiness, 
there is no concealing the fact, that it is the kingdom 
of Woman. It is her duty to embellish and to make 
it tasteful and cosey. If a woman rule and direct 




14 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

this earthly kingdom to the comfort and blessedness 
of her family, she has done what God intended in 
giving her to be the "he 1 p-meet" of man. 

To be loved is the instinctive desire of every 
human heart. To be respected, to be honored, to be 
successful, is the ambition of all. Our constant 
desire is to be happy; this never-varying instinct lies 
at the foundation of every action; it is the constantly 
propelling force in our every effort. 

We toil for the acquisition of wealth, for posi- 
tion and place, for social and political distinction, 
which brings happiness. And when all is obtained, 
the real enjoyment in its possession comes from the 
thousand little courtesies that are exchanged between 
individuals — pleasant words and kindly acts, which 
the poor may enjoy as well as the rich. 

In reality it need not take much to make us 
happy: our real wants are few. To be fed, clothed 
and provided with comfortable homes, are the real 
necessities. When we add to these kindness and 
love from those with whom we associate, we may 
with a contented spirit, be very happy, it matters not 
how lowly our position. 

There is one perpetual law, however, running 
through all our intercourse with others, which is 







^ 



; 



^ 



Jrl 






/ferr-^L ^(fU^kfiuM, 



ETIQUETTE. 17 

and thus embarass their warmest friends. So, we 
contend that a treatise on general conduct is as much 
a necessity as the text-book on grammar, penman- 
ship or mathematics. 

If the soldier is more efficient by drill, the 
teacher more competent by practice, the parliament- 
arian more influential by understanding the code of 
parliamentary law, then equally is the general mem- 
ber of society more successful by an understanding of 
the laws of etiquette, which teach how to appear, 
and what to do and say in the varied positions in 
which he may be placed. 

In the study of etiquette, much may be learned 
by observation, but much more is learned by prac- 
tice. There is a very great difference between 
theory and practice. Both are necessities — the for- 
mer in pointing the way; the latter by making use 
of theory in practical application. In this way we 
may acquire ease and grace of manner: First, by 
understanding the regulations which govern social 
etiquette; and secondly, by a free intermingling in 
society, putting into continual practice the theories 
which we understand. To avail ourselves, however, 
to the fullest extent of society advantages, we must 
have acquaintance; and hence, we introduce the 



18 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

rules of etiquette in chapter two, on presentation, or 
the art of getting acquainted. 

HUSBAND AND WIFE. 

Husband and wife should remember that they 
have taken each other i ' for better or for worse, ' ' 
Their companionship is to end only with death; 
hence they should see to it that their affection as 
lovers ripens into a permanent devotion. They can- 
not become congenial companions without some 
effort to be such. If one should have tastes and 
inclinations to which the other is averse, they should 
not be obtruded. In matters where conscientious 
conviction is not involved, each should willingly 
yield to the other. One thing is indispensable to the 
happiness of married life, and that is, confidence in 
each other. The faith which has been plighted 
at the altar is considered so sacred that once 
broken it can hardly be repaired again. Each must 
make allowance for the other's weaknesses. Be 
ready to give and willing to receive corrections from 
each other. Let criticisms never be made in a fault- 
finding way, however. Show a lively appreciation 
for the attentions and favors received from each 
other, and thus cultivate the love of making person- 



OUR LIFE A 7 HOME. 19 

al sacrifices. The husband should consider his wife 
entitled to know all about his business plans, and he 
should make her his counselor in all new undertak- 
ings. If the wife is not worthy to be the "confi- 
dante" of her husband, she is not fit to be his wife. 
Whatever faults each may see in the other should not 
be paraded before others. Any little difficulty or 
misunderstanding should be settled without the in- 
tervention of a third party. Bad temper should be 
suppressed and angry words withheld. One word 
spoken in haste may inflict a wound in the heart of 
your companion which will require months or years 
to heal over. 

OUR LIFE AT HOME. 

Politeness is a habit. He who would be truly 
polite in society must render politeness habitual at 
home. Why is not politeness as good for home as 
for other society ? Many seem to think that gentle- 
ness and civility are only necessary in society other 
than the family. They take extra pains to be polite 
in company because it contributes to the enjoyment 
of all, and relieves the occasion of friction. Why 
will it not do the same at home? How pleasant that 
home where rudeness is unknown, and all are civil 



20 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE, 

and polite ! One should be governed by the laws of 
politeness toward all the members of one's own fami- 
ly no less than in the intercourse of general society. 
There is, in addition, a tenderness and respect among 
the members of the home circle which can not be felt 
toward a common acquaintance. First of all, the 
father should receive a degree of deference which is 
^iven to no other. His opinions should be received 
with great respect, and his advice with gratitude and 
attention. His weaknesses, if perceived, should be 
concealed more carefully than your own. His com- 
fort and convenience should be studied on every 
occasion. The mother may be treated with more 
freedom, but certainly with more tenderness. Happy 
is the mother to whom her children render the unre- 
served homage of the heart. Relations claim a 
preference over common acquaintances, if they are 
worthy. Always treat them with the respect due 
them. In conversation at the fireside and at table, 
such subjects should be chosen as have some interest 
for the wife or children, or both. Endeavor to ren- 
der your meals social as well as physical repasts. 
But never engage in defaming the character of any ' 
one, or holding up the faults of your neighbors be- 
fore your children. Some children are raised to hear 



REFINED TASTE. 21 

other children talked about until they think there is 
nobody virtuous or honest. Hold up the virtues of 
others, and not their vices. 

ETIQUETTE AT HOME. 

"Manners are stronger than laws." Good manners 
and good morals go together — they are firm allies. 
To refined persons there is nothing so repulsive as bad 
manners; they not only see them but feel them. It 
hurts a lady or gentleman of taste to see the common 
rules of etiquette violated. 

REFINED TASTE. 

There is no purely good manners in the absence of 
correct tastes. It is important from the earliest child- 
hood to begin the formation of pure tastes. A correct 
taste is more properly the result of a general moral 
and intellectural culture than of any direct rules of 
discipline. It is a matter of feeling. It rests upon a 
few broad principles ; and when these are interwoven 
with the character, the desired end will be attained. 
Manners must be practiced at home, at your own 
table, your own drawing-room and parlor. Like polite- 
ness, of which they are really a part, they must be 
habitual. The children should be taught to act at 



22 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

home just as the most sensitive parent would have 
them act at the house of a friend. Manners are 
awkward things unless they are natural. They are 
unnatural if we are conscious of them, and especially 
if they cost us some effort. 

MANNERS AND THEIR VAUJE. 

We should not think of good manners as some- 
thing fostered solely to carry with us when we go vis- 
iting. They have a permanent value in themselves. 
Home life is where, most of all, they are needed. 
Manners tend to preserve mutual respect between 
brothers and sisters and parents and children. As we 
naturally despise ill manners, so those who bear them 
become the object of our contempt. Good manners 
preserve us from too great familiarity on the one hand 
and too great reserve on the other. By them we are 
able to hold others at a distance, and at the same time 
win their esteem. Make the family life a model of 
courtesy and good manners, and the sons and daugh- 
ters, when they go out into the world, will be in no 
danger of attracting the ill-bred and vicious. 

A MOTHER'S INFLUENCE. 

Upon the mother devolves the duty of planting 
in the hearts of her children those seeds of love and 



BE HONEST. 23 

virtue which shall develop useful and happy lives. 
There are no words to express the relation of a 
mother to her children. Indeed, it is more than 
a relation ; they are the same bone and the same 
flesh. The mother's supremest delight is in her chil- 
dren. They are the objects of her care and love. 
She cares not for the outward world, and is, in fact 
alienated from it. Wealth may come to them, great 
honors may be heaped upon them, but she never 
thinks of them other than as her children. 

President Garfield's mother, upon hearing the 
news of her son's assassination, exclaimed: u O! how 
could they kill my baby!" Through all the years 
and conflicts of his life — in all the high positions he 
had occupied up to the highest gift of the nation — he 
was never anything else to her than her "baby." This 
is the mother's instinct. She is constantly thrilled 
with the passion for her children. Let the mother, 
then, never forget that while she is training children 
she is rearing men and women. A mother's love and 
prayers and tears are seldom lost on even the most 
wayward child. 

BE HONEST. 

Home culture pertains to all qualities of mind 
and heart that go to make up character. There is no 



24 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

part of child-training that should be wholly entrusted 
to others — and certainly no part of moral training. 
One of the first things children learn to do is to tell 
stories. This is generally the first offense. When 
they are very small, parents think it so "cunning" to 
see them playing little pranks, and encourage them 
in it. Out of this encouragement comes the dispo- 
sition to play bigger pranks when older. Your 
children will be honest with you, if you are strictly 
honest with them. 

Honesty will beget moral courage. Set your 
children the example of being true to conviction — of 
being conscientious in all things. If you have suc- 
ceeded in training a child to be conscientious, you 
have succeeded in everything. 

AMBITION. 

Industry is a virtue; idleness is a vice. Indus- 
try sharpens the faculties of the mind and strengthens 
the sinews of the body, while indolence corrodes and 
weakens them. If the child is not industrious he 
soon becomes discontented, envious, jealous, and even 
vicious. u An idle brain is the devil's work-shop." 
In this busy world there is no room for idle men or 
women. They are dead weights on society. The 



RESPECT. 25 

industrious man is the happy man. He feels that he 
is doing something by his industry for society — at 
least, he is paying his own way through the world. 
Parents should encourage labor, in some useful form, 
as a duty. If you give your children money for any 
purpose, teach them to make some return for it — to 
engage in some extra work about the house or farm 
or office. Make them feel that they must earn their 
enjoyment. Industry is a security against shiftless- 
ness and a lavish use of money. There is no virtue 
like that of industry. In the language of Addison, 
"Mankind are more indebted to industry than inge- 
nuity; the gods set up their favors at a price, and 
industry is the purchaser." 

RESPECT. 

There are many ugly qualities which the chil- 
dren, through the negligence of the mother, easily 
attach to themselves. Among these are malice, avar- 
ice, self-esteem, lack of neatness, and a disregard for 
the convenience and welfare of others. There is one 
feeling, however, which, if early and strongly incul- 
cated, will prove a safeguard against these and many 
other evils, and that is, the feeling of self-respect. 
One great reason for the absence of this feeling in 



26 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

children is, that parents and grown people do not 
show to them that respect they deserve. When you 
hear a father speaking to his children, calling them 
"chap," "brats," or "young 'uns," you may be sure 
there will be a lack of self-respect on the part of the 
children. Call children by their right names, speak 
to them in an affectionate way, make them feel that 
you are counting on them for something, and they 
will then think something of themselves. 

Self-respect is one of the necessary conditions 
of a true manhood. It saves one from engaging in 
the thousand little dishonorable things that defile 
the character and blast the reputation. The mother 
having once made her children conscious that they 
are somebody — the object, at least, of a mother's 
love and a mother's prayers — it will serve as a shield 
to them in a thousand temptations. 

DO NOT QUARREL OR COMPLAIN. 

11 The oil of civility is required to make the 
wheels of domestic life run smoothly." The habit 
of quarreling and complaining, so often seen in the 
home circle, greatly mars the enjoyment of home life. 
These little annoyances occurring every day and 
every hour really make life a burden. Give your 



"IN HONOR PREFERRING ONE ANOTHER." 27 

children no just cause for complaint. Feed them 
well, clothe them well, and indulge them in such 
social enjoyments as are innocent and elevating. 
Teach them the beauty of peace and contentment, 
and be sure you set them the example yourself. 
Never let them hear anything but kind words, and 
they will be very apt to catch the spirit of a peaceful 
and quiet life. Constant fault-finding, misrepresent- 
ation of motives, suspicions of evil where no evil 
exists, will work the complete destruction of peace 
and quiet in any home. 

u IN HONOR PREFERRING ONE ANOTHER.' ' 

This suggestion, made by an apostle to Christian 
people, is a good motto in the family. One of the 
greatest disciplines of human life is that which 
teaches us to yield our will to others. It is hard to 
do, even in the trifling things of every-day life. We 
should not be taught to yield, of course, where prin- 
ciple is concerned; but in the thousand little troubles 
at home between children, and even between parents, 
there is nothing more involved usually than a mere 
notion or fancy. 

Cultivate the grace of giving in or yielding to 
the wishes of others. If you show no disposition 



28 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

to stubbornness, those who are with you will refrain 
from doing so, too. Thus the path of every-day life 
is freed from jars and discord, and home is made 
pleasant and peaceful. This discipline will be of 
inestimable value in after life, for if we get through 
life successfully we must, sooner or later, learn to 
yield. 

GOVERN BY LOVE. 

The government of the family should rest upon 
love rather than fear. The only true obedience is 
that which is inspired by love. The child that is 
coerced through fear of brutal punishment, will 
one day become either desperate or cowed. The 
rod should not be spared altogether, but it should 
seldom be resorted to. Many of the largest and 
most obedient families have been raised without 
the rod. Obedience you must have; if this is lack- 
ing, everything else will go wrong; your instructions 
and counsels will prove ineffectual. Nothing has a 
greater tendency to bring a curse upon a family than 
the insubordination and disobedience of children. 
The ungoverned child will be the law-breaking man. 
Obedience to authority is one of the first laws of all 
government and social order. That parent who turns 



READING A BLESSING. 29 

out upon society an ungoverned and disobedient son 
or daughter, inflicts a public injury upon it. A great 
part of the lawlessness which furnishes our jails and 
penitentiaries with occupants, is due to bad home 
discipline. 

READING A BLESSING. 

The love of reading enables a man to exchange 
the wearisome hours of life which come to every one, 
for hours of delight. Cultivate in your children a 
desire for reading. First be a reader yourself, if 
possible; this will enable you to advise and direct 
the tastes of your children in this direction. Read- 
ing is not only valuable for the information it gives, 
but, what is of more value to the young, it redeems 
the hours from idleness and mischief. The habit of 
reading will keep your son in off the street at night, 
or from running over the country on idle days, in 
search of companions to help him kill time. It will 
turn the tastes of your daughter from the ball-room, 
and fit her for more cultivated society. 

WHAT TO READ. 

What sort of reading matter shall come into the 
family ? This question ought to be settled before the 



30 POLITE LIFE AND E1IQUETTE. 

tastes of the young readers become perverted, and 
they relish only that which is vile, evil and hurtful. 

CHOOSING BOOKS. 

u Be as careful of the books you read as of the 
company you keep; for your habits and character 
will be as much influenced by the former as the lat- 
ter." — Hood. Books are as much a part of a home-as 
pictures or furniture or carpets. A home without 
books is desolate indeed. Nothing elevating or en- 
nobling can come from such a place. If you have 
books lying around, your children will naturally take 
to them. 

The great and good Channing said, " I^et every 
man, if possible, gather some good books under his 
roof." They are good company for children as well 
as grown people. You need never fear to trust your 
children with them. No mother who has the wel- 
fare of her children at heart will neglect the import- 
ant work of choosing the proper books for them to 
read while they are under her charge. She should 
select such books for them as will instruct and inter- 
est; and this should be done before their, minds are 
poisoned with bad books and novels. Go into any 
bookstore, and you will find it an easy thing to select 



OUR LANGUAGE. 31 

suitable works for the family. Do not mind the 
light expense. The joy of seeing your children 
around the fireside, discussing this or that which 
they have read about, instead of wanting to be out in 
town in riotous company, will more than repay you 
for your money and pains. 

- THE LIBRARY. 

A library means a collection of books comprising 
variety — books of general literature, secular and re- 
ligious, dictionary, encyclopedias, etc. Every home 
should have a library, if possible. Do not be content 
to buy a few scattering books here and there, but 
have a book- case, and put in it, from time to time, 
as you can afford it, varieties of books. L,et your 
children see that you take a pride in getting books, 
and they will take a pride in reading them. The 
very sight of a library is an inspiration. 

OUR LANGUAGE. 

It seems next to impossible to keep bad language 
of some sort out of the home. Children catch it up 
on the streets from their playmates, and bring it 
home with them in spite of everything. But a great 
deal can be done by vigilance upon the part of 



32 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

parents. Not only should profanity be rigidly for- 
bidden, but also slang and impolite language of 
whatever kind, Vulgarity in common conversation 
is especially loathesome. Make home a place too 
sacred for any such indulgence. 

RELIGIOUS TRAINING. 

Every good habit, pure sentiment and nobU 
aspiration has its origin and support in religion. It 
is the duty of parents to be religious. Your example 
will not be worth much unless you constantly im- 
press upon your family their responsibility to God. 
After all, there is nothing half so cultivating as to 
gather your family daily around the altar and give 
thanks to a kind Father who has given you all the 
blessings you enjoy. The Spirit of Jesus Christ will 
save your home and your children when nothing else 
will. How many young men have been made strong 
in the hour of temptation by the remembrance of a 
mother's prayers ! 

Do not be content to be religious yourself. 
Bring your children up "in the nurture and admo- 
nition of the IvOrd." Show them by your example 
that religion is something real — that it is a constant 
source of joy and solace. Be religious in your family 



CHOOSE WELL. 33 

as well as at church. If you, as a father or mother, 
have a real and consistent life, your children will be 
likely to imitate you. 

CHOOSE WELL. 

As children grow up and approach the time 
when they will be thrown on their own responsibili- 
ties, the question comes home to each one, ' ' What 
shall I follow for a livelihood?" This is indeed an 
important question. It involves another, equally as 
important : "What am I best suited for ? " Never 
turn from a pursuit for which you are fitted for one 
you may consider more honorable. Do not spoil a 
good farmer to make a poor merchant. Do not 
choose one of the professions when you excel in 
business tact. 

A young man says, "I believe I am best fitted 
for one of the professions — law, for instance, but it is 
crowded." This is no cause for discouragement. 
There is always room at the top, and if you do not 
go in to make a first-class lawyer, you should not go 
in at all. The law of the "survival of the fittest" 
operates in the professions just as in the animal king- 
dom. Remember, however, that it is just as honor- 
able to farm well as to speak well or write well. To 



34 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. . 

make a successful merchant is as desirable as to make 
a successful anything else. It takes quite as much 
brain-power to make a master-mechanic as to make a 
classical scholar. 

There is absolutely no foundation for that sickly 
sentiment, so often entertained, that because a man 
is a professional man, he is two or three grades 
higher than anybody else. If a man chooses a 
profession, and, by hard work, succeeds well, he is 
to be honored for it, but the same can be said of any 
other calling. 

LIFE-CALLING. 

Preparation for your life- calling should not be 
deferred too long. While the family is yet together, 
the parents should interest themselves in the natural 
tastes and abilities of the children. A good home 
training forms a strong basis for them in a general 
way, but there should be some particular encour- 
agement given in the direction of their life- 
calling. 

Chancellor Kent says : "A parent who sends 
his son into the world without educating him 
in some art, science, profession or business, does 
great injury to mankind as well as to his son 



LIFE-CALLING. 



35 



and to his own family, for he defrauds the com- 
munity of a useful citizen and bequeaths to it a 



nuisance. 




CHAPTER II. 




NECESSITY OF INTRODUCING. 

WOMAN in her own home can, in 
America, do pretty much as she pleases, 
but there is at least one exception- 
she must not introduce two ladies who 
^ reside in the same town. This is many 
times an awkward and embarrassing 
restriction, particularly as the other 
— the English rule — renders it easy 
enough, that the u roof is an introduction" and that 
visitors can converse without further notice. 

So awkward, however, are Americans about this, 
that even in very good houses one lady has spoken to 
another, possibly to a young girl, and has received 
no reply "because she had not been introduced," 
but this mistaken idea is, fortunately, not very 
common. 

Eet every lady remember, whether she is from 
the country or from the most fashionable city house, 
that no such casual conversation can hurt her. It 
does not involve a further acquaintance of these two 



NECESSITY OF INTRODUCING. 37 

persons : They may cease to know each other when 
they leave the house; and it would be kinder if they 
would both relieve the hostess of their joint enter 
tainment by joining in the conversation. 

No one of heart or mind need feel afraid to talk 
and be agreeable, whether introduced or not, at a 
friend's house; even if she meets with the rebuff of a 
deaf-and-dumb neighbor, she need not feel heart- 
broken : she is right, and her stiff acquaintance is 
wrong. 

If a gentleman asks to be presented to a lady, 
she should signify her assent in a pleasant way, and 
pay her hostess, through whom the request comes, 
the compliment of at least seeming to be gratified at 
the introduction. Our American ladies are some- 
times a little lacking in cordiality of manner, often 
receiving a new acquaintance with that part of their 
conformation which is known as the "cold shoulder." 
A brusque discourtesy is bad, a very effusive courtesy 
and a too low bow are worse. The proper salutation 
lies just between the two extremes. 

In seeking introductions for ourselves, while we 
need not be shy of making a first visit or asking for 
an introduction, we must still beware of intrusion. 
There are instincts in the humblest understanding 



38 



POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 



which will tell us where to draw the line. If a per- 
son is socially more prominent than ourselves, or 




more distinguished in any way, we should not be 
violently anxious to take the first step; we should 
wait until some happy chance brings us together, 



NECESSITY OF INTRODUCING, 39 

for we must be as firm in our self-respect as our 
neighbor is secure in her exalted position. Wealth 
has heretofore had very little power to give a per- 
son an exclusively fashionable position. Character, 
breeding, culture, good connections — all must help. 
An aristocrat who is such by virtue of an old and 
honored name which has never been tarnished is a 
power in the newest society as in the oldest; but it is 
a shadowy power, felt rather than described. Edu- 
cation is always a power. 

To be sure, there is a tyranny in large cities of 
what is known as the "fashionable set," formed of 
people willing to spend money; who make a sort of 
alliance, offensive and defensive; who can give balls 
and parties and keep certain people out; who have 
the place which many covet; who are too much 
feared and dreaded. If those who desire an introduc- 
tion to this set strive for it too much, they will be 
sure to be snubbed; for this circle lives by snubbing. 
I*f such an aspirant will wait patiently, either the 
whole autocratic set of ladies will disband — for such 
sets disentangle easily — or else they in their turn will 
come knocking at the door and ask to be received. 

It takes many years for a new and an uninstructed 
set to surmount all the little awkwardnesses, the 



40 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

dubious points of etiquette, that come up in every 
new shuffle of the social cards; but a modest and 
serene courtesy, a civility which is not servile, will 
be a good introduction into any society. 

The place given here to the ill-bred is only con- 
ceded to them that one may realize the great de- 
mands made upon the tact and the good feeling of a 
hostess. She must have a quick apprehension; she 
may and will remember, however, that it is very 
easily forgiven, this kind-heartedness — that it is bet- 
ter to sin against etiquette than to do an unkind thing. 

Great pains should be taken by a hostess to 
introduce shy people. Young people are those whose 
pleasure must depend on introductions. 

It is well for a lady in presenting two strangers 
to say something which may break the ice, and make 
the conversation easy and agreeable; as, for instance, 
"Mrs. Moon, allow me to present Mr.- Star, who has 
just arrived from New England," or, "Mrs. Rose, 
allow me to present Mrs. Palmer, of Boston — or Chi- 
cago," so that the two may naturally have a question 
and answer ready with which to step over the thresh- 
old of conversation without tripping. 

In making an introduction, the gentleman is 
presented to the lady, with some such informal 



NECESSITY OF INTRODUCING. 41 

speech as this : " Mrs. C, allow me to present Mr. 
D., n or, "Mrs. C, Mr. D. desires the honor of 
knowing you." In introducing two women, present 
the younger to the older woman, the question of rank 
not holding good in our society where the position 
of the husband, be he judge, general, senator, or 
president even, does not give his wife fashionable 
position. She may be of far less importance in the 
great world of society than some Mrs. Jones, who, 
having nothing else, is set down as of the highest 
rank in that unpublished but well-known book of her- • 
aldry which is so thoroughly understood in America 
as a tradition. 

It is the proper thing for a gentleman to ask a 
mutual friend or an acquaintance to introduce him to 
a lady, and there are few occasions when this request 
is refused. In our crowded ballrooms, chaperons 
often ask young men if they will be introduced to 
their charges. It is better before asking the young 
men of this present luxurious age-, if they will not 
only be introduced, but if they propose to dance, 
with the young lady, else that young person may be 
mortified by a snub. 

It is painful to record, as we must, that the age 
of chivalry is past, and that at a gay ball young men 



42 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

appear as supremely selfish, and desire generally only 
introductions to the reigning belle, or to an heiress, 
not deigning to look at the humble wall-flower, who 
is neither, but whose womanhood should command 
respect. Ballroom introductions are supposed to 
mean, on the part of the gentleman, either an inten- 
tion to dance with the young lady, to walk with 
her, or to talk to her through one dance, or to show 
her some attention. 

Men scarcely ever ask to be introduced to each 
other, but if a lady, through some desire of her own, 
wishes to present them, she should never be met 
by indifference on their part. Men have a right to 
be exclusive as to their acquaintances, of course; 
but at a lady's table, or in her parlor, they should 
never openly show distaste for each other's society 
before her. 

In America it is the fashion to shake hands, and 
most women, if desirous of being cordial, extend 
their hands even on a first introduction; but it is, 
perhaps, more elegant to make a bow only, at a first 
introduction. 

In her own house a hostess should always extend 
her hand to a person brought to her by a mutual 
friend, and introduced for the first time. 



DINNER PARTY. 43 

INTRODUCING ESCORTS TO DINNER. 

At a dinner-party, a few minutes before dinner, 
the hostess introduces to a lady the gentleman who 
is to take her down to the dining room, but makes no 
further introductions, except in the case of a distin- 
guished stranger, to whom all the company are intro- 
duced. Here people, as we have said, are shy of 
speaking, but they should not be, for the room where 
they meet is a sufficient guarantee that they can con- 
verse without any loss of dignity. 

At large gatherings in the country it is proper 
for the lady to introduce her guests to each other, and 
it is perfectly proper to do this without asking per- 
mission of either party. A mother always introduces 
her son or daughter, a husband his wife, or a wife 
her husband, without asking permission. 

A gentleman, after being introduced to a lady, 
must wait for her to bow first before he ventures to 
claim her as an acquaintance. 

This is Anglo-Saxon etiquette. On the Conti- 
nent, however, the gentleman bows first. There the 
matter of the raising the hat is also important. An 
American gentleman takes his hat quite off to a lady; 
a foreigner raises it but slightly, and bows with a def- 
erential air. Between ladies but slightly acquainted, 



44 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE 

and just introduced, a very formal bow is all that is 
proper; acquaintances and friends bow and smile; 
intimate male friends simply nod, but all gentlemen 
with ladies, raise the hat and bow if the lady recog- 
nizes a friend. 

Introductions which take place out of doors, as 
on the lawn-tennis ground, in the hunting field, in 
the street, or in any casual way, are not to be taken 
as necessarily formal, unless the lady chooses so to 
consider them. The same may be said of introduc- 
tions at a watering-place, where a group of ladies 
walking together may meet other ladies or gentle- 
men, and join forces for a walk or drive. 

Introductions are needful, and should be made 
by the oldest lady of the party, but are not to be 
considered as making an acquaintance necessary 
between the parties if neither should afterwards 
wish it. It is universally conceded now that this 
sort of casual introduction does not involve either 
lady in the network of a future acquaintance; nor 
need a lady recognize a gentleman, if she does not 
choose to do so, after a watering-place introduction. 
It is always, however, more polite to bow; that 
civility hurts no one. 



SOCIAL INDORSEMENT. 45 

EXCLUSIVENESS. 

There are in our new country many women who 
consider themselves fashionable leaders — members of 
an exclusive set — and who fear that if they should 
know some other women out of that set that they 
would imperil their social standing. These people 
have no titles by which they may be known, so they 
preserve their exclusiveuess by disagreeable manners, 
as one would hedge a garden by a border of prickly- 
pear. The result is that much ill-feeling is en- 
gendered in society, and people whom these old 
aristocrats call the "nouveaux riches •," "parvenus, " 
etc., are always having their feelings hurt. 

TheJact remains that the best-bred and most 
truly aristocratic peoj^le do not find it necessary to hurt 
any one's feelings. An introduction never harms any- 
body, and a woman with the slightest tact can keep 
off a vulgar and a pushing person without being rude. 

SOCIAL INDORSEMENT. 

Among the Swedes, a very polite and hospitable 
people, it has been said that one individual intro- 
ducing another becomes responsible for his good 
behavior, as if he should say, "Permit me to intro- 
duce my friend; if he cheats you, charge it to me." 



46 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

Such must be the real value of an introduction 
among all people who expect to take a place in good 
society. In the course of business, and under various 
circumstances, we form casual acquaintances, of 
whom we really know nothing, and who may really 
be anything but suitable persons for us to know. It 
would be wrong, therefore, to bring such characters 
to the favorable notice of those whom we esteem our 
friends. 

Pains should be taken, especially in large cities 
and towns, in making two persons acquainted, 
to see that the introduction shall be equally desirable. 
If it is at all practicable, it is best to obtain the con- 
sent of the party to whom the introduction is desired. 
Where this is not possible, a thorough acquaintance of 
the introducer with the parties will enable him to 
settle the point for himself. 

GENTLEMAN TO A LADY. 

Good society always accords a lady the right to 
say with whom she will form an acquaintance. It is 
proper, therefore, for a gentleman desiring an intro- 
duction to a lady, to ascertain first whether or not 
such an acquaintance will be agreeable to the lady. 
Neither should a stranger be introduced into the 






WITHOUT CEREMONY. 47 

house of a friend unless permission is first obtained. 
Nevertheless, introductions of this nature are frequent, 
but they are improper, and should not occur. 

One may sometimes be asked to introduce one 
person to another, or a gentleman desires an intro- 
duction to a lady, but if he finds such an introduction 
would not be agreeable, he should decline to grant 
the -wish. This may be done on the ground that 
one's own acquaintance is not sufficiently intimate to 
take such a liberty. 

In case a gentleman is introduced to a lady, both 
should bow slightly, and it is the duty of the gentle- 
man to start a conversation. In general, the one who 
is introduced should make the first remarks. 

WITHOUT CEREMONY. 

As has been already intimated, circumstances 
often determine the beginning of an acquaintance- 
ship without an introduction. When parties meet 
at the house of a mutual friend, they may take such 
a fact as a sufficient guaranty for the beginning of an 
acquaintanceship, should there appear to be mutual 
desire to know each other. It is always one of the 
duties of hospitality to afford a pledge of the respect- 
ability of all who happen to claim it. An introduce 



48 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

tion is unnecessary in the formation of acquaintances 
among ladies and gentlemen who may be traveling; 
but such friendship must be conducted with a certain 
amount of reserve; and need not be continued beyond 
the casual meeting. Dignified silence should mark 
the least indication of disrespect or undue familiarity. 
A young lady should be very careful as to the form- 
ation of traveling acquaintances, much more so than 
a married or even an elderly lady. 

PROPER INTRODUCTION. 

In giving introductions it is proper to introduce 
the gentleman to the lady, the younger to the older, 
the inferior in social position to the superior. In 
giving the introduction, one should bow to the lady, 
or make a slight wave of the hand toward her, and 
say, "Miss B., permit me to introduce my friend 
Mr. A. " The lady and gentleman bow to each oth- 
er, each repeating the other's name. The gentleman 
in bowing, should say, "I am glad to meet you," 
or, "It gives me much pleasure to make your 
acquaintance," or some similar remark. 

If gentlemen are introduced, it is customary to 
say, "Mr. C, allow me to make you acquainted with 
Mr. D." The form is often shortened to Mr. C, Mr. 



DURING CALLS. 49 

D." The words of an introduction are immaterial, 
so long as the proper form and order are retained. 

It is of the utmost importance in giving intro- 
ductions to speak each name very distinctly. Failure 
to do this often involves timid persons in a painful 
embarrassment. If either party does not distinctly 
understand the name of the other, he should at 
once, and without timidity or hesitation, say, before 
making the bow, u I beg your pardon; I did not catch 
( or understand ) the name." The name may then be 
repeated to him. 

When several persons are to be presented to one 
individual, it is best to mention the name of the indi- 
vidual first, and then repeat the names of the others 
in succession, bowing slightly, or waving the hand, 
as each name is called. 

True politeness always explains to the parties 
introduced something of the business or the residence 
of each : or if one has recently returned from a trip of 
any kind, it is good manners to say so. Such items 
as these always aid in starting a conversation. 

DURING CALLS. 

During calls, where parties remain in a house but 
a short time, the ceremony of introduction may be 



50 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

dispensed with. And yet, if it seems that such a 
thing will add to the pleasure of callers, and there be 
no objection, it is good taste to give introductions 
even at such times. Such an introduction may or 
may not be extended into an acquaintance, so that 
there is no obligation to recognize each other as 
acquaintances again, unless they desire to do so. 

FAMILY INTRODUCTIONS. 

Where members of one's own family are intro- 
duced, be careful to give both the degree of kinship 
and the name. Say, "My father, Mr. C"; "My 
son, Mr. D., or Mr. James G." One's wife is simply 
"Mrs. C"; if, however, there happens to be another 
Mrs. C. in the family, she may be "Mrs. C, my 
sister-in-law," etc. By giving the name, there is no 
ambiguity in the mind of the stranger as to what to 
call the party introduced. 

TITLES. 

In an introduction it is proper to give one his 
appropriate title. If a clergyman, say "Rev. Mr. 
A." If a doctor of divinity, say "Rev. Dr. D." A 
member of Congress is styled "Honorable." Men- 
tion to which branch of Congress he belongs. If a 



OUR DUTY. 51 

Governor of a State, specify the State. Or if he be a 
man .of any note in any pursuit which claims great 
ability, it is well to state the fact. If an author, 
something like this, "Mr. Carleton, author of 'Over 
the Hills to the Poor-House,' which you have ad- 
mired so much." 

NECESSARY. 

A visitor at one's house must be made acquaint- 
ed with all callers, and good manners require the 
latter to cultivate the acquaintance while the visitor 
remains. If you should be the caller introduced, you 
must give the same attention to the friend of your 
friend that you would wish to be shown to your own 
friends under similar circumstances. This rule, how- 
ever, need not be observed in public places, and if an 
introduction takes place, the acquaintance need not 
be continued unless desired. 

OUR DUTY. 

When an introduction has taken place under 
proper circumstances, both parties have in the future 
certain claims upon each other's acquaintance. 
These claims should be recognized, unless there are 
good reasons for disregarding them. Should even 



52 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

that be the case, good manners demand the formal 
bow of recognition when meeting. This of itself 
encourages no familiarity. 

Only very poorly bred persons will meet or pass 
each other with a stare. But where it is the desire of 
both parties that the introduction should ripen into a 
friendship, each should be careful to maintain a rea- 
sonable degree of cordiality toward the other on 
meeting, and when mingling in society. The prac- 
tice of shaking hands is optional, and should be 
exercised with some discretion, especially on the part 
of young and unmarried ladies. 

RECOGNITION. 

Good usage has given* the lady the privilege of 
determining whether she will recognize a gentleman 
after the introduction. It is, therefore, her place to 
make the recognition first by a slight bow. The 
gentleman is bound to return her recognition in the 
same manner. When passing a lady on the street it 
is not enough for the gentleman to merely touch his 
hat, he should lift it from his head. 

BAD CONDUCT. 

The "cut" is given by a continued stare at a 
person. This can only be justified at all by extra- 



S TREE T IN TR OD UCTION. 5 3 

ordinary and notoriously bad conduct on the part of 
the one "cut," and it is very seldom called for. 
Should any one desire to avoid a bowing acquaint- 
ance with another, it may be done by turning aside 
or dropping the eyes. Good society will not allow a 
gentleman to give a lady the "cut" under any cir- 
cumstances; yet there may be circumstances in which 
he would be excused for persisting in not meeting 
her eyes, for should their eyes meet he must bow, 
even though she fail to grant him a decided recogni- 
tion. 

STREET INTRODUCTIONS. 

An introduction should never be given on the 
street, unless it be strictly a matter of business or an 
emergency not to be avoided. If when walking with 
a friend on the street, one should meet an acquaint- 
ance and stop a moment to speak with him, it is 
unnecessary to introduce the two who are strangers; 
but on separating, the friend who is with you gives a 
parting salutation, the same as yourself. This rule is 
applicable to both ladies and gentlemen; but if a 
gentleman meet two ladies in the street, one of whom 
he knows, and if he should join them, he should, of 
course, be presented to the lady whom he does not 
know, in order to avoid awkwardness. 



54 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE, 

INTRODUCING ONE'S SELF. 

If, when entering a reception-room to pay a 
visit, you should not be recognized, mention your 
name at once. If you happen to know one member 
of the family and you find others only in the room, 
make yourself known to them. If this is not done, 
much embarrassment and awkwardness may be the 
result. You should mention your name in an easy, 
self-possessed way, and ask for the member of the 
family with whom you are acquainted. 

CUSTOMS GOVERNING INTRODUCTIONS. 

When an introduction takes place between a 
lady and a gentleman, she should merely bow and 
not offer to shake hands unless the gentleman is an 
intimate acquaintance of some member of the family. 
In case the gentleman is a well-known friend, she 
may give him her hand in token of esteem and res- 
pect. A gentleman must not offer his hand to a 
lady until she has made the first movement. 

A married lady should offer her hand on being 
introduced to a stranger in her own house, especially 
if he has been brought to the house by her husband 
or by a mutual friend. Such an act on her part is 
indicative of a cordiality which shows the stranger 



INTR OD UCTIONS B Y LETTER. 55 

that he is welcome and may enjoy her hospitality in 
good faith. 

While much discretion must be used on the part 
of ladies in shaking hands with gentlemen, it never- 
theless shows a good spirit, and where the surround- 
ings are as they should be, no danger is likely to 
arise from the custom. 

Gentlemen almost invariably shake hands with 
each other on being introduced. In this case the 
elder of the two, or the superior in social standing, 
should make the first movement in offering to shake 
hands. Gentlemen, in shaking hands with ladies or 
with each other, should be careful not to grip the 
hand too closely. This often inflicts pain, and shows 
anything else but good breeding. 

INTRODUCTIONS BY LETTER. 

Much care should be exercised in the granting 
of letters of introduction. These should be given 
only to intimate friends, and addressed to one with 
whom the writer has a strong personal friendship. 
It is both foolish and dangerous to give such a letter 
to one with whom the writer is but slightly acquaint- 
ed. By so doing he may not only place himself but 
also the one to whom the letter is addressed, in a very 



56 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

mortifying position. The author of such a letter 
should not only be confident as to the integrity of 
the one introduced, but he should be equally well 
assured that such an acquaintance will be agreeable 
to the one to whom the letter is addressed. In gen- 
eral, such letters should be given very cautiously and 
sparingly. 

The reader will find the form of such letters in 
the chapter on u Letter Writing. " 

DELIVERING LETTERS. 

It is not generally best for the bearer of a letter 
of introduction to deliver it in person. The better 
plan is, on arriving in the place of residence of the 
party addressed, to send the letter to him, accompa- 
nied with your own card of address. If he desires to 
comply with the wish of his friend, he will at once 
call upon you. If circumstances are such that he can 
not call upon you, he will send you his card of 
address, and you may call upon him at your leisure. 

DUTY OF THE ONE ADDRESSED. 

In Europe, a person bearing a letter of introduc- 
tion makes the first call. In this country, we are of 
the opinion that a stranger should not be made to 



B US I NESS LE TTERS. 57 

feel that he is begging our attention. Therefore, if 
it is your wish and in your power, you should wel- 
come at once and in a cordial way the one bearing a 
letter of introduction addressed to yourself. Call 
upon him as soon as you receive his letter of intro- 
duction, and accord to him such treatment as you 
would be pleased to receive were you in his place. 

BUSINESS LETTERS. 

Letters of introduction for business purposes 
often pass between business men. Etiquette does 
not require the receiver to entertain the bearer as a 
friend. The conduct of each should be gentlemanly, 
but the obligation of such a letter ceases with the 
transaction of the business in hand. However, if the 
acquaintance proves mutually agreeable, such a let- 
ter may be the basis of a real and lasting friendship. 

SUMMARY OF INTRODUCTIONS. 

Ladies being introduced should never bow hast- 
ily, but with slow and measured dignity. 

The inferior is to be introduced to the superior; 
the younger to the elder; the gentleman to the lady. 

It is the lady's privilege to recognize the gentle- 
man after an introduction, and his duty to return the 
bow. 



58 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

Introductions on the street or in public places 
should be made so quietly as not to attract public 
attention. 

Perfect ease and self-possession are the essentials 
to the making and receiving of graceful and happy 
introductions. 

Etiquette requires that a gentleman always raise 
his hat when introduced to either a lady or a gentle- 
man on the street. 

Introduce to each other only those who may find 
acquaintance agreeable. If any doubt exist on the 
subject, inquire beforehand. 

When introducing parties, pronounce the names 
distinctly. If you fail to understand the name when 
introduced, feel at liberty to inquire. 

One of the duties of the host and hostess of a 
private party is to make the guests acquainted with 
each other. Guests may, however, make intro- 
ductions. 

A gentleman should not bow from a window to 
a lady on the street, though he may bow slightly 
from the street upon being recognized by a lady in a 
window. Such recognition should, however, general- 
ly be avoided, as gossip is likely to attach undue 
importance to it when seen by others. 



S UMMAR Y OF IN TR OD UC TIONS. 59 

A warm cordiality of manner, and a general re- 
cognition of acquaintance, without undue familiarity, 
is the means of diffusing much happiness, as well as 
genial and friendly feeling. In thinly settled local- 
ities, the habit of bowing to every one you meet is an 
excellent one, evincing, as it does, kindliness of feel- 
ing toward all. 

When meeting a lady who is a stranger, in a 
hallway, upon a staircase, or in close proximity 
elsewhere, courtesy demands a bow from the gentle- 
man. In passing up a stairway, the lady will pause 
at the foot and allow the gentleman to go first; and at 
the head of the stairway he should bow, pause, and 
allow her to precede him in the descent. 

Use the title, when speaking to others, when- 
ever possible. Thus, addressing John Smith, Justice 
of the Peace, say "Squire;" Dr. Poe you will address 
as "Doctor;" Mayor Harrison, as "Mayor;" Senator 
Conkling, " Senator;" Governor Hill, as "Gover- 
nor;" Professor White, as "Professor;" etc. 

Before all public bodies, take pains to address 
those in authority very respectfully, saying to the 
presiding officer, " Mr. President, " or if he be a 
Mayor, Judge, or Justice, address him as "Your 
Honor," etc. 



60 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

When stopping at the house of a friend, ascertain 
the Christian names of all the children, and of those 
servants that you frequently have to address; and 
then always speak respectfully to each, using the full 
Christian name, or any pet name to which they are 
accustomed. 

To approach another in a boisterous manner, 
saying, "Hello, Old Fellow!" "Hello Jack!" or us- 
ing kindred expressions, indicates ill breeding. If 
approached, however, in this vulgar manner, it is 
better to give a civil reply, and address the person 
respectfully, in which case he is quite likely to be 
ashamed of his own conduct. 

INTRODUCTIONS AT PRESIDENTIAL RECEPTIONS. 

In paying your respects to the President of the 
United States, you will be introduced by the master 
of ceremonies on public occasions. At other times, 
to send in your card will secure you audience, al- 
though the better way is to be introduced by a mutual 
acquaintance, or a member of Congress. Introduc- 
tions at Courts in foreign countries are accompanied 
by a good deal of formality. At an English Court, 
the stranger, having the credential of the American 
Ambassador, will be introduced, if a lady, by a lady; 



I 



S UMMAR Y OF INTR OD UC TJONS. 



61 



if a gentleman, by a gentleman. Elsewhere abroad 
the proper method in each case can be best learned 
from our national representative at each capital. 
Court etiquette requires that the lady appear in full 
dress, and the gentleman in black suit, with white 
vest, gloves and necktie. 




CHAPTER III. 




DISCRETIONAL CIVILITIES. 

\HE discretional civilities of life, when 
closely observed, must add to one's pleas- 
ure and happiness a something almost 
indispensable — To such as are harmless 
and graceful we shall give a cursory 
glance, but to those which are doubtful 
and perhaps harmful, we shall urge you 
to shun; however, these so-called discretional civil- 
ities must in a large degree be left to the common 
sense of the reader. 



AMERICA AND OTHER COUNTRIES. 



In France, when a gentleman takes off his hat 
in a windy street or in an exposed passage-way, and 
holds it in his hand while talking to a lady, she al- 
ways says, " Couvrez vons" ( I beg of you not to 
stand uncovered ). A kind-hearted woman "says this 
to a boatman, a coachman, a. man of low degree, who 
always takes off his hat when a lady speaks to him. 



AMERICA AND OTHER COUNTRIES. 63 

Now in our country, unfortunately, the cabmen 
have such bad manners that a lady seldom has the 
opportunity of this optional civility, for, unlike a 
similar class in Europe, those who serve you for your 
money in America often throw in a good deal of in- 
civility with the service, and no book of etiquette is 
more needed than one which should teach shop-girls 
and shop-men the beauty and advantages of a respect- 
ful manner. 

If men who drive carriages and street cabs would 
learn the most advantageous way of making money, 
they would learn to touch their hats to a lady when 
she speaks to them or gives an order. It is always 
done in the Old World, and this respectful air adds 
infinitely to the pleasure of foreign travel. 

In all foreign hotels the landlords enforce such 
respect on the part of the waiters to the guests of the 
hotel that if two complaints are made of incivility, 
the man or woman complained of is immediately dis- 
missed. In a livery-stable, if the hired coachman is 
complained of for an uncivil answer, or even a silence 
which is construed as incivility, he is immediately 
discharged. On the lake of Como. if a lady steps 
down to a wharf to hire a boat, every boatman takes 
off his cap until she has finished speaking. 



64 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

Now discretional civilities, such as saying to one's 
inferior, u Do not stand without your hat," to one's 
equal, " Do not rise, I beg of you," " Do not come 
out in the rain to put me in my carriage," naturally 
occur to the kind-hearted, but they may be cultivated. 
It used to be enumeiated among the uses of foreign 
travel that a man went away a bear and came home 
a gentleman. It is not natural to the Anglo-Saxon 
race to be overpolite. 

A husband in France moves out an easy-chair 
for his wife, and sets a footstool for every lady. He 
hands her the morning paper, he brings a shawl if 
there is danger of a draught, he kisses her hand when 
he comes in, and he tries to make himself agreeable 
in the matter of these little civilities. It has the most 
charming effect upon all domestic life, and we find a 
curious allusion to the politeness observed by French 
sons towards their mothers and fathers in one of 
Moliere's comedies, where a prodigal son observes 
to his father, who comes to denounce him, " Pray, 
sir, take a chair, " says the Son; "you could 
scold me so much more at your ease if you were 
seated." 

If this was a piece of discretional civility which 
had in it a bit of sarcasm, we can readily see that 



CULTIVATE A CIVIL MANNER. 65 

civility lends great strength to satire, and take a hint 
from it in our treatment of rude people. 

CULTIVATE A CIVIL MANNER. 

A lady once entering a crowded shop, where the 
women behind the counter were singularly inatten- 
tive and rude even for America, remarked to one 
young woman who was lounging on the counter, and 
who did not show any particular desire to serve her. 

" My dear, you make me a convert to the Satur- 
day-afternoon early-closing rule, and to the plan for 
providing seats for saleswomen, for I see that fatigue 
has impaired your usefulness to your employer." 

The lounger started to her feet with flashing 
eyes. " I am as strong as you are," said she, very in- 
dignantly. "Then save yourself a report at the 
desk by showing me some lace," said the lady, in a 
soft voice, with a smile. 

She was served after this with alacrity. In America 
we are all workers; we have no privileged class; we 
are earning money in various servitudes, called vari- 
ously law, medicine, divinity, literature, art, mercan- 
tile business, or as clerks, servants, seamstresses, and 
nurses, and we owe it to our work to do it not only 
honestly but pleasantly. 



66 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

It is absolutely necessary to success in the last 
mentioned profession that a woman have a pleasant 
manner, and it is part of the instruction of the train- 
ing-school of nurses, that of civility. It is not every 
one who has a fascinating manner. What a great 
gift of fortune it is! But it is in every one's power to 
try and cultivate a civil manner. 

TRAVELING. 

In the matter of "keeping a hotel" — • a slang 
expression which has become a proverb — how well 
the women in Europe understand their business, and 
how poorly the women in America understand theirs! 
In England and all over the Continent the newly 
arrived stranger is received by a woman neatly 
dressed, with pleasant, respectful manners, who is 
overflowing with optional civilities. She conducts 
the lady to her room, asks if she will have the blinds 
drawn or open, if she will have hot water or cold, if 
she would like a cup of tea, etc. ; sends a neat cham- 
bermaid to her to take her orders, gets her pen and 
paper to write her notes — in fact, treats her as a 
lady should treat a guest. Even in very rural 
districts the landlady comes out to her own door to 
meet the stranger, holds her neat hand to assist her to 




QUEEN LOUISE. {By G. Richter.) 



COURTESY. 67 

alight, and performs for her all the service she can 
while she is under her roof. 

In America a lady may alight in what is called a 
tavern, weary, travel -stained, and with a headache. 
She is shown into a waiting-room where sits, perhaps, 
an overdressed female in a rocking-chair violently 
fanning herself. She learns that this is the landlady. 
She asks if she can have a room, some hot water, etc. 
The answer may be, "I don't know; I don't have to 
work ; perhaps John will tell you. ' ' And it is to the man 
of the house that the traveler must apply. It is a 
favorable sign that American men are never ashamed 
to labor, although they may not overflow with civility. 
It is a very unfavorable sign for the women in 
America when they are afraid or ashamed of work, 
and when they hesitate to do that which is nearest 
them with civility and interest. 

COURTESY. 

Another test of self-respect, and one which is 
sometimes lacking in those whom the world calls fash- 
ionable, those who have the possessions which the 
majority of us desire, fine houses, fine clothes, wealth, 
good position, etc., is the lack or the presence of 
u fine courtesy," which shall treat every one so 
that he or she is entirely at ease. 



68 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

" Society is the intercourse of persons on a foot- 
ing of apparent equality," and if so, any one in it 
who treats other people so as to make them un- 
comfortable is manifestly unfit for society. Now an 
optional courtesy should be the unfailing custom of 
such a woman, we will say, one who has the pow- 
er of giving pain by a slight, who can wound 
amour propre in the shy, can make a debutante 
stammer and blush, can annoy a shy youth by a 
sneer. 

How many a girl has had her society life 
ruined by the cruelty of a society leader! how many 
a young man has had his blood frozen by a con- 
temptuous smile at his awkwardness! How much of 
the native good-will of an impulsive person has 
been frozen into a caustic and sardonic temper by the 
lack of a little discretional civility? The servant who 
comes for a place, and seats herself while the lady 
who speaks to her is standing, is wanting in op- 
tional civility. She sins from ignorance, and should 
be kindly told of her offense, and taught better 
manners. 

The rich woman who treats a guest impolitely, 
the landlady who sits in her rocking-chair while 
the traveler waits for those comforts which her house 



GOOD MANNERS. 69 

of call invites, all are guilty of the same offense. It 
hurts the landlady and the servant more indirectly 
than it does the rich woman, because it renders 
their self-imposed task of getting a living the more 
difficult, but it is equally reprehensible in all three. 

GOOD MANNERS. 

Are said to be the result of a kind heart and care- 
ful home training; bad manners, the result of a coarse 
nature and unwise training. We are prone to believe 
that bad manners in Americans are almost purely 
from want of thought. There is no more generous, 
kindly, or better people in the world than the stand- 
ard American, but he is often an untrained' creature. 
The thousands of emigrants who land on our shores, 
with privileges which they never thought to have 
thrust upon them, how can they immediately learn 
good manners? In the Old World tradition of power 
is still so fresh that they have to learn respect for 
their employers there. Here there are no such tra- 
ditions. 

OUR DUTY. 

The first duty, then, it would seem, both for 
those to whom fortune has been kind and for those 



70 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

who are still courting her favors, would be to study 
discretional civility; not only the decencies of life, but 
a little more. Not only be virtuous, but have the 
shadows of virtue. Be polite, be engaging; give a 
cordial bow, a gracious smile; make sunshine in a 
shady place. Begin at home with your discretional 
civility. Not only avoid those serious breaches of 
manners which should cause a man to kick another 
man down stairs, but go further than good manners — 
have better manners. Let men raise their hats to 
women, give up seats in cars, kiss the hand o f an 
elderly lady if she confers the honor of her acquaint- 
ance upon them, protect the weak, assist the fallen, 
and cultivate civility; in every class of life this would 
oil the wheels; and especially let American women 
seek to mend their manners. 

BAD STYLE. 

Discretional civility does not in any way include 
familiarity. We doubt whether it is not the best of 
all armor against it. Familiarity is u bad style." It 
is not civility which causes one lady to say to another, 
u Your bonnet is unbecoming; let me beg of you to go 
to another milliner." That is familiarity, which, 
however much it may be supposed to be excess of 



BAD STYLE. 71 

friendship, is generally either caused by spite or by a 
deficiency of respect. The latter is never pardonable. 
It is in doubtful taste to warn people of their faults, 
to comment upon their lack of taste, to carry them 
disagreeable tidings, under the name of friendship. 

On the Continent, where diffidence is unknown, 
where a man, whoever he may be, has a right to 
speak to his fellow-man ( if he does it civilly ), where 
a woman finds other women much more polite to her 
than women are to each other in this country, there 
is no familiarity. It is almost an insult to touch the 
person; for instance, no one places his hand on the 
arm or shoulder of another person unless there is the 
closest intimacy; but everywhere there is discretional 
civility freely given between poor and poor, poor and 
rich, rich and rich, superiors and inferiors, between 
equals. It would be pleasant to follow this out in 
detail, the results are so agreeable and so honorable. 




CHAPTER IV. 




SOCIETY. 



K HAVE many inquiries from truly 
anxious people to define what is 
"good" and "what is bad society." 
They say that they read in the 
newspapers of the "good society" 
in Chicago, Washington, Newport 
and New York, and that it is a 
record of drunkenness, flirtation, bad manners and 
gossip, divorce and slander. They read that our 
people at popular resorts commit all sorts of vul- 
garities, such as talking aloud at the opera, and dis- 
turbing their neighbors; that young men go to a 
dinner, get drunk, and break glasses; one young girl 
remarks, ' 'We do not call that good society in New 
Orleans." 

HUMBLE SOCIETY. 

In humbler society, we may say as in the house- 
hold of a Scotch peasant, such as was the father of 
Carlyle, the breaches of manners which are often 



SOCIAL LAWS. 73 

seen in fashionable society would never occur. They 
would appear perfectly impossible to a person who 
had a really good heart and a gentle nature. 

The manners of a young man of fashion who 
keeps his hat on when speaking to a lady, who would 
smoke in her face, and would appear indifferent to 
her comfort at a supper-table, who would be contra- 
dictory and neglectful — such manners would have 
been impossible to Thomas or John Carlyle, reared 
as they were in the humblest poverty. 

SOCIAL LAWS. 

But this impertinence and arrogance of fashion 
should not prevent the son of a Scotch peasant from 
acquiring, or attempting to acquire, the conventional 
habits and manners of a gentleman. If he have 
already the grace of high culture, he should seek to 
add to it the knowledge of social laws, which will 
render him .an agreeable person to be met in society. 

He must learn how to write a graceful note, and 
to answer his invitations promptly; he must learn 
the etiquette of dress and of leaving cards; he must 
learn how to eat his dinner gracefully, and, even if 
he sees in good society men of external polish guilty 
of a rudeness which would have shocked the man 



74 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE, 

who in the Scotch Highlands fed and milked the 
cows, he still must not forget that society demands 
something which was not found in the farm-yard. 
Carlyle, himself the greatest radical and democrat in 
the world, found that life at Craigenputteck would 
not do all for him — that he must go to London and 
Edinburgh to rub off his solitary neglect of manners, 
and strive to be like other people. 

On the other hand, the Queen of England has 
refused to receive the Duke of Marlborough because 
he notoriously ill-treated the best of wives, and had 
been, in all his relations of life, what they call in 
England a "cad." She has even asked him to give 
back the Star and Garter, the insignia once worn by 
the great duke, which has never fallen on shoulders 
so unworthy as those of the late Marquis of Bland- 
ford, now Duke of Marlborough. For all this the 
world has great reason to thank the Queen, for the 
present duke has been always in "good society," 
and such is the reverence felt for rank and for 
hereditary name in England that he might have 
continued in the most fashionable circles for all 
his bad behavior, still being courted for name and 
title, had not the highest lady in the land rebuked 
him. 



FALSE CULTURE, 75 

ENGLAND'S QUEEN. 

She has refused to receive the friends of the 
Prince of Wales, particularly some of his American 
favorites, this good Queen, because she esteems 
good manners and a virtuous life as a part of good 
society. 

JUDGE NOT. 

Now, those who are not "in society" are apt to 
mistake all that is excessive, all that is boorish, all 
that is snobbish, all that is aggressive, as being a 
part of that society. In this they are wrong. No 
one estimates the grandeur of the ocean by the rub- 
bish thrown up on the shore. Fashionable society, 
good society, the best society, is composed of the 
very best people, the most polished and accomplished, 
religious, moral, and charitable. 

FALSE CULTURE. 

The higher the civilization, therefore, the better 
the society, it being always borne in mind that there 
will be found, here and there, the objectionable out- 
growth of a false luxury and of an insincere culture. 
No doubt, among the circles of the highest nobility, 
while the king and queen may be people of simple 



76 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

and unpretending manners, there may be some arro- 
gant and self-sufficient master of ceremonies, some 
Malvolio whose pomposity is in strange contrast to 
the good-breeding of Olivia. It is the lesser star 
which twinkles most. The "School for Scandal" is 
a lasting picture of the folly and frivolity of a certain 
phase of London society in the past, and it repeats 
itself in every decade. 

There is always a Mrs. Seewrong, a Sir Walter 
Tiptop, and a scandalous college at Newport, in New 
York, Milwaukee, Philadelphia, Boston, Baltimore, 
Chicago, Saratoga, Long Branch, wherever society 
congregates. It is the necessary imperfection, the 
seamy side. Such is the reverse of the pattern. 

Unfortunately, the right side is not so easily 
described. The colors of a beautiful bit of brocade 
are, when seen as a whole, so judiciously blended 
that they can hardly be pronounced upon individ- 
ually: one only admires the tout ensemble, and that 
uncritically, perhaps. 

That society is bad whose members, however 
tenacious they be of forms of etiquette and elaborate 
ceremonials, have one code of manners for those 
whom they esteem to be of less importance to them 
by reason of age, pecuniary condition, or relative 



YOUNG LADY. 77 

social influence. Bad manners are apt to prove the 
concomitant of a mind and disposition that are none 
too good, and the fashionable woman who slights and 
wounds people because they cannot minister to her 
ambition, challenges a merciless criticism of her own 
moral shortcomings. 

YOUNG LADY. 

A young girl who is impertinent or careless in 
her demeanor to her mother or her mother's friends; 
who goes about without a chaperon and talks slang; 
who is careless in her bearing towards young men, 
permitting them to treat her as if she were one of 
themselves; who accepts the attention of a young 
man of bad character or dissipated habits because he 
happens to be rich; who is loud in dress and rough 
in manner — such a young girl is "bad society," be 
she the daughter of a senator or a butcher. There 
are many such instances of audacity in the so-called 
"good society" of America, but such people do not 
spoil it; they simply isolate themselves. 

YOUNG GENTLEMAN. 

A young man is "bad society" who is indifferent 
to those older than himself, who neglects to acknowl- 



78 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

edge invitations, who sits while a lady stands, who 
goes to a hall and does not speak to his host, who is 
selfish, who is notoriously immoral and careless of 
his good name, and who throws discredit on his 
father and mother by showing his ill-breeding. No 
matter how rich, how externally agreeable to those 
whom he may wish to court, no matter how much 
varnish of outward manner such a man may possess, 
he is "bad society." 

COUNTERFEITS. 

A parvenu who assumes to keep other people 
out of the society which she has just conquered, 
whose thoughts are wholly upon social success 
(which means, with her, knowing somebody who has 
heretofore refused to know her), who is climbing, 
and throwing backward looks of disdain upon those 
who also climb — such a woman, unfortunately too 
common in America, is, when she happens to have 
achieved a fashionable position, one of the worst in- 
stances of bad society. She may be very prominent, 
powerful, and influential. She may have money and 
"entertain," and people desirous of being amused 
may court her, and her bad manners will be accepted 
by the careless observer as one of the concomitants of 
fashion. 



CO UNTERFEITS. 79 

She is an interloper in the circles of good society, 
and the old fable of the ass in the lion's skin fits her 
precisely. Many a duchess in England is such an 
interloper; her supercilious airs betray the falsity of 
her politeness, but she is obliged by the rules of the 
Court at which she has been educated to "behave 
like a lady;" she has to counterfeit good-breeding; 
she cannot, she dare not, behave as a woman who 
has suddenly become rich may sometimes, nay does, 
behave in American society, and still be received. 

It will thus be seen, as has been happily ex- 
pressed, that "fashion has many classes, and many 
rules of probation and admission." A young per- 
son ignorant of its laws should not be deluded, 
however, by false appearances. If a young lady 
comes from the most secluded circles to Saratoga, 
and sees some handsome, well-dressed, conspicuous 
woman much courted, lionized, as it were, and ob- 
serves in her what seems to be insolent pretense, 
unkindness, frivolity, and superciliousness, let her 
inquire and wait before she accepts this bit of brass 
for pure gold. 

Emerson defines "sterling fashion as funded 
talent." Its objects may be frivolous or objectless; 
but, in the long-run, its purposes are neither frivo- 
6 



80 POLITE LIFE' AND ETIQUETTE. 

lous nor accidental. It is an effort for good society ; 
it is the bringing together of admirable men and 
women in a pleasant way. Good -breeding, personal 
superiority, beauty, genius, culture, are all very 
good things; every one delights in a person of charm- 
ing manners. Some people will forgive very great 
derelictions in a person who has charming manners, 
but the truly good society is the society of those who 
have virtue and good manners both. 

AMERICAN SOCIETY. 

Some Englishman asked an American, u What 
sort of a country is America?" "It is a country 
where everybody can tread on everybody's toes," was 
the answer. 

It is very bad society where any one wishes to 
tread on his neighbor's toes, and worse yet where 
there is a disposition to feel aggrieved, or to show 
that one feels aggrieved. There are certain people 
new in society who are always having their toes trod- 
den upon. 

When you enter society you throw your life into 
it with all your mental and moral attainments, and 
those who mingle with you get the benefit of all you 
have, and you of all they have. Its tendency, there- 



AMERICAN S O CIE TV. 81 

fore, is to make all equal. No young person should 
deny himself or herself of its benefits. One can never 
have a complete life without it. But one danger 
should be avoided, and that is, the danger of giving 
one's self up too exclusively to society. Do not be- 
come intoxicated with it. There are in every town 
and city society " cracks," who are nothing unless 
social. 

Do not forget to have a life of your own — an in- 
ner life with which you can commune, and that, too, 
with pleasure. Some young people assume the out- 
ward manners and fashions of society, who are so 
utterly empty of information or sympathy that they 
are incapable of being real or interesting. They 
are not cultivated, in any sense, and their presence 
really detracts from the pleasure of any occasion. 
It was this class that Byron had in mind when he 
said, " Society is formed of two mighty tribes — 
the bores and the bored." 

AFFECTED OR NATURAL. 

11 If you wish to appear agreeable in society, 
you must consent to be taught many things you 
already know." — Lavater. Simplicity of conduct 



82 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

and of manners is unquestionable evidence of sound 
sense and a correct taste. 

"Affectation is the wisdom of fools and the folly 
of many a comparatively wise man." It is, says 
Johnson, "an artificial show; an elaborate appear- 
ance; a false pretense." 

The affected person prefers the artificial to the 
real, and supposes that everybody else does too. To 
be genuine requires no effort; to seem to be what you 
are not, requires constant effort. Sidney Smith says, 
" All affectation proceeds from the supposition of pos- 
sessing something better than the rest of the world 
possesses. " " Nobody is vain of possessing two legs 
and two arms, because that is the precise quantity of 
either sort of limb which everybody possesses." 
Affectation is certain deformity. It shows in some in- 
stances an empty mind, in others an estimate exceed- 
ingly too high of what ability one has. What 
weariness it must be to be always acting a part; to 
torture one's self constantly in daily intercourse, so as 
to produce a factitious result; to adopt conduct, select 
words, and profess sentiments, on the most trivial as 
well as the most important occasion, which shall be 
sure to differ more or less from what is plain, obvious 
and direct. 



SOCIETY AND DRESS. 83 

BE NATURAL. 

You meet an affected person, perhaps your friend; 
he feels warmly toward you, but he must in some 
way preserve an imagined dignity, so he addresses 
you in an unnatural sort of way and does not open up 
himself as a friend should. Affectation has been 
compared to a coat of many colors and pieces — ill 
fitted, and neither stitched nor tied, which some un- 
blest mortal might endeavor, with incessant pains and 
solicitude, to hold together and wear. Be natural. 
A natural awkwardness is far more endurable than 
an affected grace. 

SOCIETY AND DRESS. 

Do not have a mania for fine dressing. Be able 
to talk about something else than the fashions. 
Dress is a material thing, and does not deserve the 
attention that some other things do. Yet it is a duty 
you owe those with whom you mingle to dress neatly 
and, to a certain extent, in the fashion. Do not dis- 
figure your person by oddly cut and oddly fitting 
clothes — do not do it even in the sacred name of 
religion. God intended that we should make our 
persons attractive. 



84 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

The being who gave nature her thousands of 
beauties and adornments, and who made woman of 
all his creatures the most charming in her form and 
features, did not intend that this form should be 
marred by covering it up in a meal sack and crown- 
ing it with gaudy artificial flowers. Dress always in 
good taste, but not gorgeously. 

CONVERSATION FROM THE HEART. 

Beware of a labored and affected style of conver- 
sation. Talk in good style and with becoming 
modesty, but be yourself. How intolerable it is to a 
young gentleman to have to submit to that "cut and 
dried" style of talking which so many young ladies 
assume. Be assured that your gentlemen friends do 
not admire it, however much you may think they do. 
A lady who talks from her heart never fails to be 
entertaining. 

GOSSIPING. 

Be free from tattling. Do not inflict upon 
society another member of that despicable and dan- 
gerous species called gossipers. The tongue that 
carries slander and defames the character of others is 
as black as sin itself. Always be careful in your 



THE YOUNG MAN IN SOCIETY. 85 

conversation not to dwell on what you heard some- 
body say about somebody else. 

MODESTY. 

Do not be wild and boisterous in your conduct 
on the street or in the parlor. Show refinement and 
sobriety. Be free and sociable, but keep yourself 
within bounds. Remember that ' 'modesty is the 
chastity of merit, the virginity of noble souls." 

THE YOUNG MAN IN SOCIETY. 

The same remarks upon dress apply to the 
young man as to the young lady, so far as neatness 
and taste are concerned; though there is not as much 
expected of the young man in this particular as of 
the young lady. Clothing should not be flashy; 
that always betrays a coarse taste. Do not dress 
above your income. Wear only clothes that are 
paid for. Never envy the fop, 

RESPECT. 

Let your conduct toward others always betoken 
respect. Avoid giving offense by your pertness. 
Respect the old. Nothing indicates good breeding 
so much as deference to the aged. By all means 



86 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

avoid the habits of swearing, drinking and card- 
playing. In fact, never think of indulging in such 
things. The so-called smart young men may laugh 
at you, but never mind that. When they are in rags 
and homeless, you will have plenty and be respected. 

money. 

Be sure you do not spend your money just for 
the sake of showing how liberal you can be. There 
is a reasonable limit to spending money, which every- 
body will respect you for observing. Economy is 
nothing to be ashamed of. Avoid the habit of so- 
called treating. Your money goes, and you get no 
thanks for it. The habit is a bad one, and is closely 
allied with loafing and dissipation. 




CHAPTER V. 




MEETING AND GREETING. 

REETINGS and salutations in them- 
selves furnish a basis upon which to 
found all rules of etiquette. The 
manner of one's greeting you, wheth- 
er a chance meeting or otherwise, 
quickly and effectually indicates good 
breeding. 

It would be profitable and true 
knowledge, to reveal the hidden history which is 
bound up in the simple "No, ma'am," and "Yes, 
sir," of this age; also, to present the forms of greet- 
ing used among the many nations of the earth. We 
must content ourselves, however, with only slight 
mention on this topic, and proceed at once to that 
which is practical and useful to the lady and gentle- 
man of to-day. 

The accepted modes of salutation in England 
and America are: The bow, the hand-shake, and 
the kiss. 



88 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE, 

KINDS OF SALUTATIONS. 

The bow is the most generally used, and its ways 
include quite a number of motions, which of them- 
selves are not bows, but custom and general use have 
made them to take the place of the graceful bend of 
the body which is a bow— Between gentlemen, a kind- 
ly smile, a nod, a wave with the hand, a mere touch 
of the hat, is sufficient. 

In bowing to a lady the hat must be lifted from 
the head, but custom has made it permissible to 
touch the hat, at the same time slightly inclining the 
head. If a gentleman is smoking he takes the ci- 
gar from his mouth before lifting the hat, or if he 
has his hand in his pocket he removes it. 

If you know people slightly, you recognize them 
with some reserve; if you know them well, you use 
more familiarity in your salutation. At the first 
meeting of the eyes the bow should be given. 

The bow is the one mark of good breeding, 
and it must never be omitted, even to one with 
whom you may have had a misunderstanding, as 
this shows an incivility which can not be counten 
anced by good manners. 

Always return a bow even though you do not 
recognize the person who makes it, because he either 



NEW ACQ UAINTANCES. 89 

knows you or has mistaken you for some one else, 
and to neglect it would be to show yourself wanting 
in that which marks the great difference between 
the ill-bred and the well-bred person. 

THE YOUNG TO THE OLD. 

An introduction always entitles one to recogni- 
tion, and it is the duty of the younger person to make 
himself known to the older. He should do this by bow- 
ing, and should continue this until the recognition be- 
comes mutual. There are two good reasons for this 
practice: first, older people have larger circles of 
acquaintances, and they do not always remember 
younger persons to whom they may have been intro- 
duced; second, older people are apt to forget the faces 
of young people and thus fail to recognize them. 
Owing to these facts elderly people usually wait for 
the young to recognize them before bowing, and this 
should always be done, for it shows good breeding 
and respect for age. 

NEW ACQUAINTANCE. 

If a bowing acquaintance is not desired with one 
who has been properly introduced, it may be broken 
by looking aside or dropping the eyes as the person 



90 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

approaches, for should the eyes meet the bow must 
be given. 

PROMENADES OR DRIVING. 

Civility requires but a single bow to a person 
upon a public promenade or in driving. If the indi- 
vidual is a friend, it is better, on subsequent passings, 
to smile slightly or exchange a word, should you 
catch his or her eye. In case of a mere acquaintance 
it is best to avert the eyes. 

SOME ANTIQUATED EXPRESSIONS. 

In the intercourse between people it is still not 
uncommon to hear the reply of " yes, madam," or 
" no, sir," and the former is not infrequently abbrevi- 
ated. These modes of expression are old-fashioned 
and formal, and have long been excluded from the 
method of the best society. 

Equality, it must always be remembered, is 
the basis of society and of those who stand within 
its pale, and, as titles of all kinds are contrary to 
the ideas of republican simplicity, there is no need 
to use any expression that implies deference or 
inferiority. 




STYLE IN ANCIENT GREECE. 



TWO SEXES ONLY, 91 

As to whether children should be taught to ad- 
dress their elders in this way as a mark of respect is a 
question that the parents must decide. 

While on the subject it maybe as well to say a 
word on the much-abused words "lady " and "gentle- 
man." In society all " women " are presumed to be 
"ladies" and all men "gentlemen," and, therefore, 
the simple and good old Saxon words "men" and 
"women" are entirely proper. To speak of one's 
mother as a true, good, loving or Christian "woman" 
is the highest compliment. 



TWO SEXES ONLY. 

There are no such things as sales-ladies, wash- 
ladies, sales-gentlemen or farmer-gentlemen. All 
such expressions are forcing the use of the words 
and placing the people spoken of in a ridiculous 
light. 

The world is composed of the two sexes, men 
and women, and those of them who are ladies and 
gentlemen are such by education and refinement, 
and need no gratuitous "branding" to let their 
fellows realize the fact. 



92 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

COMMON WORDS OF GREETING. 

' ' Good Morning, " " Good Afternoon, " " Good 
Evening," "How do yon do," and "How are you," 
are most commonly used in saluting a person. Of 
these the first three are most appropriate unless you 
stop, when you may ask after another's health by us- 
ing the last two phrases. It is polite for the eyes to 
express a smile as these words are exchanged, but a 
broad grin should be avoided. A respectful inclina- 
tion of the head should always accompany the words. 

HEARTY EXPRESSION OF GOOD WILL. 

With friends a shake of the hand is the most 
hearty and genuine expression of good will. " The 
etiquette of hand shaking is simple. A man has no 
right to take a lady's hand until it is offered, and has 
even less right to pinch and retain it. Two ladies 
shake hands gently and softly. A young lady gives 
her hand, but does not shake a gentleman's unless 
she is his friend. A lady should always rise to give 
her hand ; a gentleman of course never dares to remain 
seated. On introduction into a room, a married lady 
generally offers her hand; a young lady never. In 
a ball-room hand shaking is out of place, and, in 



FRANKNESS AND CORDIALITY, 



93 



general, the more public the place the less proper 
is hand shaking. 





HALF HEARTEDKESS. 




THE WHOLE SOUL, GENEROUS AND WARM HEARTED SHAKE. 

In case an introduction is accompanied with a 
personal recommendation; such as, "I want you to 
know my friend Norton," or, if Norton comes with a 
strong letter of introduction, you must give Norton 
your hand, and warmly too. Lastly, it is the privi- 
lege of a superior to give or withhold his hand, so 
that an inferior should never put his forward first. 

FRANKNESS AND CORDIALITY. 

If a lady shakes hands with a gentleman, she 
should manifest frankness and cordiality. Equal 
frankness and good will should characterize the 
gentleman, but he must be careful as to undue fami- 



94 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

liarity or anything which might be construed as 
such. 

In shaking hands the right hand should always 
be given. If that be impossible, an excuse should .be 
offered. The French offer the left hand as nearest 
the heart, but it is considered bad taste to do so in 
this country. 

The mistress of the house should offer her hand 
to every guest invited to her house. This should be 
done especially where a stranger is brought into the 
house by a common friend, as an evidence of her 
cordial welcome. 

A KISS. 

We have in the kiss the most affectionate form 
of salutation, and it is only proper among near rela- 
tives and dear friends. 

A FRIENDSHIP KISS. 

The kiss of friendship and relationship is on the 
cheeks and forehead. This expression of affection, 
especially in this country, is usually excluded from 
the public, and, in the case of parents, children and 
near relations, too much care is taken to conceal it. 



KISSING IN PUBLIC. 
PUBLIC KISSING. 



95 



The practice of women kissing each other in pub- 
lic is decidedly vulgar, and is avoided entirely by 
ladies of delicacv and true refinement. 



WMl. 




CHAPTER VI. 




OUR CONVERSATION. 

VERY one should acquire the ability 
to converse well : this is the first step, 
the entering wedge to good society, 
and the means through which we re- 
tain the position accorded us, and the 
respect and favors of all with whom 
we associate. The power of conversa- 
tion reveals character and refined 
tastes as nothing else will; once possess this accom- 
plishment and you are a leader, capable of entertain- 
ing any company, and you need fear no slights, for 
intelligent and refined people will seek to know 
you. 

If you have a true taste for conversation you will 
enjoy with others the excellencies of a creative mind 
that enlivens the imagination and is continually 
starting fresh game that will be pursued and taken. 
' 'It is good to rub and polish our brain against that 
of others. ' * 



THE ART OF CONVERSING. 97 

True art and good manners prevent our speaking 
in loud tones or monopolizing the greater part of 
conversation or hinting at disagreeable topics. Never 
make yourself the hero or heroine of your own story; 
do not attempt a fine flight of oratory upon ordinary 
topics. To interrupt a person when speaking is the 
height of ill-manners. 

THE ART OF CONVERSING. 

Conversation is an art in which very few excel. 
Most men's failure in conversing is not due to a lack 
of wit or judgment, but to a lack of refinement. 

So few know when to proceed and when to stop. 
There is an exact boundary beyond which an argu- 
ment ought never to be pressed. Speak to entertain 
rather than to distinguish yourself. If you have a 
favorite study or employment to which you are 
peculiarly devoted, you must remember not to ob- 
trude it as a topic of conversation too far, for others 
may not be equally interested with yourself upon it. 
It certainly can not be to our interest to expose our 
failings; still less is it advisable to boast of our 
virtues. 

Many, under the pretext of speaking their mind, 
often disturb the harmony of social intercourse, and 



98 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

seem too obtuse to perceive it. We should avoid trie 
impertinence of talking too much, and at the same 
time avoid running to the other extreme of talking 
too little. Seek to interest all without being offen- 
sive to any. Have the bearing and maintain the 
dignity of a lady or gentleman. Avoid that which 
you observe ill-timed in others; notice the address of 
those who are acknowledged as accomplished and 
refined, and make them your models. 

memory. 

A good memory is an invaluable aid in acquiring 
the art of conversation. Hence its training should 
be well looked to. Begin the training of this faculty 
early in life. When children hear a sermon or lec- 
ture they should be required when they come home 
to tell all they can about it. Nothing improves the 
memory like practice. It is said that Henry Clay's 
popularity as a politician was due in great part to his 
faculty of remembering the names of persons he met. 
At night he would think over the names of all the 
persons he had met that day and write them down in 
a note book; in the morning he would look them 
over and fix them in his mind, so that when he 
would afterward meet any of them he could call 



TALK CORRECTLY. 99 

them by name and even tell the place and circum- 
stances of meeting. One is often thrown into em- 
barrassment in society by a treacherous memory. At 
the very point of calling the name of an acquaintance 
whom you w T ish to introduce to another, his name 
slips your memory, and you are then under the 
humiliating necessity of inquiring. 

In conversation it is very desirable to be able to 
recall names, dates and facts. Cultivate your mem- 
ory: If it is a bad one you can improve it, and the 
pleasure of having a ready memory will more than 
repay you for your trouble. 

TALK CORRECTLY. 

To use correct language in conversation is an- 
other matter of very great importance. It is exceed- 
ingly unpleasant to hear the English language 
butchered by bad grammar and the misapplication of 
words. It is supposed that every one has at least a 
rudimental education in the grammar of his language, 
and this is all that is necessary to correct talking. 
We learn to speak correctly by practice more than 
anything else. 

The writer is acquainted with a lady who never 
studied English grammar in her life, but she very 



100 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

rarely makes an error in conversation, and never 
misapplies a term. She has always been in good 
society, and has simply acquired the habit of speak- 
ing correctly from others. A mistake in grammar 
hurts her as much as it would the most accomplished 
grammarian. While it is necessary to have a correct 
style, yet it should not be a stiff or stilted one. 

A FLUENT TALKER. 

To be a good talker, then, requires that one 
should have much general information. This may 
be acquired by observation, by reading and study, 
attentive listening to others, and a correct knowledge 
of the use of language, as well as a discretion and 
refinement of address. One should also cultivate a 
clear intonation, well chosen phraseology, and cor- 
rect accent. True, many of these seem small 
acquirements, but we must remember that it is the 
small things that make up the gentleman. Every 
one should make an effort to possess them, and thus 
fit himself for the enjoyment of society. 

A GOOD LISTENER. 

To be a good listener requires as much cultiva- 
tion almost as to be a good talker. In fact, listening 



COMPLIMENTS. 101 

is really as much a part of the conversation as talk- 
ing. We should listen even if the one talking is 
prosy and uninteresting, and at appropriate periods 
of the conversation make such remarks as would 
show that we have read and understood all that has 
been said. We should always show the same cour- 
tesy to others that we expect from them ourselves, 
and hence we should make an effort to be interested 
whether we are or not. 

UNSELFISHNESS. 

No one has a right to go into society unless he 
can be sympathetic, unselfish and animating as well 
as animated. Society demands cheerfulness and un- 
selfishness, and it is the duty of every one to help 
make and sustain it in these features. The manner 
of conversation is quite as important as the matter. 

COMPLIMENTS. 

Compliments are entirely admissable between 
equals, or from those of superior to those of inferior 
station. It is always pleasant to know that our 
friends think well of us, and especially those who are 
above us. Of course compliments should be sincere; 
if they are not, they are only flattery and should 



102 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

be avoided. The saying of kind things, however, 
which is perfectly natural to a kind heart, always 
confers a pleasure and should be cultivated. Never 
censure a child for a fault without at the same time 
mentioning some of its good qualities. Studiously 
avoid all unkindness. Never in a private circle speak 
of absent ones other than in a complimentary way. 

COMMON EVERY-DAY TALK. 

There is a mysterious difficulty about talking 
well. A man may have done a vast deal of reading, 
may have a good memory and a sound judgment, he 
may express his thoughts in elegant language, season 
his conversation with wit and be a walking encyclo- 
paedia, and after all be a dull companion. It must 
be borne in mind that all the world do not read books, 
and many of those who do, never care about them. 
Everybody, however, loves to talk. When we are 
wearied with toil or tired with thought we naturally 
love to chat, and it is pleasant to hear the sound of 
one's own voice. 

What we mean by small talk is, talk upon com- 
mon, every-day matters, about the little trifling and 
innocent things of usual occurrence; in short, that 
vast world of topics upon which every one can taPc, 



COMMON E VER Y-DA Y TALK. 103 

and which are as interesting to children ana simple 
minded persons as the greater questions are to the 
learned. Many affect a great measure of wisdom by 
speaking contemptuously of common-place talk, but 
it is only affected. Real wisdom makes a man an 
agreeable companion. Talk upon those topics which 
appear to interest your hearers most, no matter how 
common they may be. 

The real wisdom and power of a conversation- , 
alist is shown in making a common-place topic inter- 
esting. Many imagine that it is an easy matter to 
talk about nothing or every-day occurrences, but it 
requires an active and observant mind, and no small 
share of invaluable good humor, to say something on 
everything to everybody. If a man is never to open 
his mouth but for the enunciation of some profound 
aphorism, or something that has never been said ; if 
he is to be eternally talking volumes and discussing 
knotty problems, his talk becomes a burden, and he 
will find that but few of his audience will be willing 
to listen to him. 

Small talk obviates the necessity of straining the 
mind and assuming unnatural attitudes, as though 
you were exerting your mental powers. It puts the 
mind at ease. There is no intention of saying any- 



104 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

thing profound, and nobody is disappointed if you do 
not, so in this way time may be spent agreeably and 
to the enjoyment of all. 

DOUBLE WRONG. 

Flattery is an ensnaring quality, and leaves a 
very dangerous impression. It swells a man's imagi- 
nation, entertains his fancy, and drives him to doting 
upon his person. u He does me double wrong," says 
Shakespeare, ( ' that wounds me with the flatteries of 
his tongue." Never be guilty of the habit. Testify 
your respect, your admiration and your gratitude by 
deeds rather than words. The former will carry con- 
firmation, while few will believe the latter. 

SATIRE AND RIDICULE. 

Young persons appear most ridiculous when try- 
ing to make others ridiculous by satire or ridicule. 
To such weapons as these cultivated people never re- 
sort. They find too much to correct in themselves to 
indulge in coarse censure of the foibles and conduct 
of others. 

SECRET OK CONVERSATION. 

The secret of talking well is to adapt your con- 
versation to your company. Some talk common- 



IMPERTINENT QUESTIONS. 105 

place altogether, while others seek more abstract 
subjects to the entire exclusion of small talk. One 
must be able to keenly detect what is interesting to 
his hearer, and govern himself accordingly. 

HOW A HUSBAND SHOULD SPEAK OF HIS WIFE. 

It is improper for a gentleman to say ( 'my wife, ' ' 
except to intimate acquaintances; he should mention 
her as Mrs. So-and-so. When in private he may use 
the expression "my dear," or simply the Christian 
name. 

HOW A LADY SHOULD SPEAK OF HER HUSBAND. 

She should not say "my husband," except 
among intimates. She should designate him by his 
name, calling him "Mr."; or a young wife may 
designate her husband by his Christian name. 

IMPERTINENT QUESTIONS. 

Never ask impertinent questions. Never betray 
a curiosity to know of the private and domestic 
affairs of others. A thousand questions of this sort 
are asked which often cause embarrassment. 

VULGAR EXCLAMATIONS. 

Such exclamations as "Not Much," or "Hea- 
vens," or "Good Gracious," should never be used. 



106 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

If you are surprised or astonished, suppress the fact. 
Such expressions border closely on profanity. 

AVOID THESE. 

Do not lose your temper in society; avoid all 
coarseness and undue familiarity in addressing others; 
never attack the character of others in their absence; 
avoid all cant; do not ask the price of articles you 
observe, except from intimate friends, and then very 
quietly; never give officious advice; and especially 
avoid contradictions and interruptions. 





CHAPTER VII. 

ETIQUETTE OF NOTES, ACCEPTANCES 
AND REGRETS. 

T IS right and proper that ladies should 
write their notes of invitation: yet, by 
many, an engraved card is considered 
better; it is neat and saves much time to 
the one issuing them. 

The formula for invitations to din- 
ner should always be: 



These invitations should receive prompt atten- 
tion, with a peremptory acceptance or a regret. 



108 POLITE LIFE AND EIIQUE7TE. 

Never reply to such invitations in an ambiguous way, 
saying "You will come if you do not have to leave 
town," or that you will "try to come," or, if you are 
married, that you will "one of you come." The 
hostess wants to know exactly who is coming and 
who isn't, that she may arrange her table accord- 
ingly. 

Simply say: 

If the invitation is written in the first person, ac- 
cept it in the same formal manner, but quickly and 
decisively. 

After having accepted a dinner invitation, if ill- 
ness or any other cause interfere with your going to 
the dinner, send an immediate note to your hostess, 
that she may fill your place. Never selfishly keep 
the place open for yourself if there is a doubt about 
your going. 

HESITANCY. 

It has often made or marred the pleasure of a 
dinner-party, this hesitancy on the part of a guest to 



HESITANCY. 109 

send in time to her hostess her regrets, caused by the 
illness of her child, or the corning on of a cold, or a 
death in the family, or any other calamity. Remem- 
ber always that a dinner is a most formal affair, that 
it is the highest social compliment, that its happy 
fulfilment is of the greatest importance to the hostess, 
and that it must be met in the same formal spirit. It 
precludes, on her part, the necessity of having to 
make a first call, if she be the older resident, although 
she generally calls first. 

Some young people in society, having been asked 
to a dinner where the elderly lady who gave it had 
forgotten to enclose her card, asked if they should 
call afterwards. Of course they were bound to do so, 
although their hostess should have called or enclosed 
her card. However, one invitation to dinner is bet- 
ter than many cards as a social compliment 

We have been asked by many, "To whom should 
the answer to an invitation be addressed? " If Mr. 
and Mrs. Buck invite you, answer Mr. and Mrs. 
Buck. If Mrs. Kime Brook asks you to a wed- 
ding, answer Mrs. Kime Brook. Another of our 
correspondents asks; "Shall I respond to the lady of 
the house or to the bride if asked to a wedding?" 

This seems so impossible a confusion that we should 
8 



110 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

not think of mentioning so self-evident a fact, 
had not the doubt arisen. One has nothing to say to 
the bride in answering such an invitation; the answer 
is to be sent to the hostess, who writes. 

Always carefully observe the formula of your in- 
vitation, and answer it exactly. As to the card of the 
English ambassador, a gentleman should write: " Mr. 
Algernon Tracy will do himself the honor to accept 
the invitation of Sir Julian and Lady Pauuceforte. ' ' In 
America he would be a trifle less formal, saying, 
' ' Mr. Algernon Tracy will have much pleasure in 
accepting the polite invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Harry 
Buck." We notice that on all English cards the 
U R. S. V. P." is omitted, and that a plain line of 
English script is engraved, saying, 

Wtr\& jta/uto/t, o| a-vb aruVus^ iA Kq= 

THE HOST AND HOSTESS. 

In this country the invitations to a dinner are 
always in the name of both host and hostess, but 
invitations to a ball, "at home," a tea, or garden- 
party, are in the name of the hostess alone. At a 
wedding the names of both host and hostess are 



THE ELDEST DAUGHTER. Ill 

given. And if a father entertains for his daughters, 
he being a widower, his name appears alone for her 
wedding; but if his eldest daughter presides over his 
household, his and her name appear together for din- 
ners, receptions and "at homes." Many fathers, 
however, omit the names of their daughters on the 
invitation. 

THE ELDEST DAUGHTER. 

A young lady at the head of her father's house 
may, if she is no longer very young, issue her own 
cards for a tea. It is never proper for very young 
ladies to invite gentlemen in their own name to visit 
at the house, call on them, or to come to dinner. 
The invitation must come from the father, mother, 
or chaperon. 

At the Assembly, Patriarchs', Charity ball, or 
any public affair, the word "ball" is used, but no 
lady invites you to a "ball" at her own house. The 
words "At Home," with "Cotillion" or "Dancing" 
in one corner, and the hour and date, alone are nec- 
essary. If it is to be a small, informal dance, the 
word "Informal" should be engraved in one corner. 

OFFICERS, BACHELORS AND CLUB MEMBERS. 

Officers of the army and navy giving a ball, 
members of the hunt, bachelors, members of a club, 



112 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

heads of committees, always "request the pleasure," 
or, u the honor of your company. " It is not proper 
for a gentleman to describe himself as "at home"; he 
must "request the pleasure." A rich bachelor of 
Chicago who gave many entertainments made this 
mistake, and sent a card — "Mr. Horatio Devereau 
At Home. Wednesday, October seventeenth. Tea 
at four" — to a lady who had been an ambassadress. 
She immediately replied: "Mrs. Mackay is very 
glad to hear that Mr. Horatio Devereaux is at home 
— she hopes that he will stay there; but of what pos- 
sible consequence is that to Mrs. Mackay?" This 
was a piece of rough wit, but it told the young man 
of his mistake. Another card, issued with the singu- 
lar formula, ' 'Mrs. Elliott hopes to see Mrs. Mackay 
at the church," on the occasion of the wedding of a 
daughter, brought forth the rebuke, "Nothing is so 
deceitful as human hope." The phrase is an im- 
proper one. Mrs. Elliott should have "requested the 
pleasure. ' ' 

In asking for an invitation to a ball for friends, 
ladies must be cautious not to intrude too far, or to 
feel offended if refused. Often a hostess has a larger 
list than she can fill, and she is not able to ask all 
whom she would wish to invite. Therefore a very 



TO LUNCHEON. 113 

great discretion is to be observed on the part of those 
who ask a favor. A lady may always request an in- 
vitation for distinguished strangers, or for a young 
dancing man if she can answer for him in every way, 
but rarely for a married couple, and almost never 
for a couple living in the same city, unless newly 
arrived. 

Invitations to evening or day receptions are gen- 
erally "at home" cards. A lady may use her own 
visiting cards for five-o'clock tea. For other enter- 
tainments, "Music," "Lawn-tennis," "Garden- 
party," "Readings and Recitals," may be engraved 
in one corner, or written in by the lady herself. 

TO LUNCHEON. 

Invitations to a luncheon are generally written by 
the hostess on note-paper, and should be rather in- 
formal, as luncheon is an informal meal. However, 
nowadays ladies' luncheons have become such grand 
and expensive affairs, that invitations are engraved 
and sent out a fortnight in advance, and answered 
immediately. There is the same etiquette as at dinner 
observed at these formal luncheons. There is such a 
thing, however, as a "stand-up" luncheon — a sort 
of reception with banquet, from which one could ab- 
sent one's self without being missed. 



114 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

PUNCTUALITY AND REGRETS. 

Punctuality in keeping all engagements is a 
feature of a well bred character, in society as well as 
in business, and it cannot be too thoroughly insisted 
upon. 

In sending a "regret" be particular to word 
your note most respectfully. Never write the word 
"regrets" on your card unless you wish to insult 
your hostess. Send a card without any penciling up- 
it, or write a note, thus: 



No one should, in the matter of accepting or re 
fusing an invitation, economize his politeness. It is 
better to err on the other side. Your friend has done 
his best in inviting you. 



FRIENDS IN MOURNING. 



The question is often asked us, { ( Should in vita 
tions be sent to people in mourning ? " Of course they 
should. No one would knowingly intrude on a house 



STYLISH. 115 

in which there is or has been death within a month; 
but after that, although it is an idle compliment, it is 
one which must be paid; it is a part of the machinery 
of society. As invitations are now directed by the 
hundreds by hired amanuenses, a lady should careful- 
ly revise her list, in order that no names of persons 
deceased may be written on her cards; but the mem- 
bers of the family who remain, and who have suffered 
a loss, should be carefully remembered, and should 
not be pained by seeing the name of one who has de- 
parted included in the invitations or wedding-cards. 

People in deep mourning are not invited to din- 
ners or luncheons, but for weddings and large enter- 
tainments cards are sent as a token of remembrance 
and compliment. After a year of mourning the be- 
reaved family should send out cards with a narrow 
black edge to all who have remembered them. 

L,et it be understood that in all countries a card 
sent by a private hand in an envelope is equivalent to 
a visit. 

STYLISH. 

The most fashionable notes are characterized by 
simplicity. The language is concise, courteous, plain 
and beautiful. Flourishes are out of place. Refined 
taste exhibits itself in richness of material, beauty of 



116 POLITE LIFE AND E TIQ UE TTE. 

form, harmony of parts, and perfect adaptation to cir- 
cumstances, rather than in excessive display. 

FRENCH IDIOMS. 

The following are French idioms and initials, 
that are sometimes used in notes and cards, but Eng- 
lish phrases are generally to be preferred: 

R. S. V. P.—Repondez s> ilvous plait; answer, if 
you please. 

P. P. C. — Pour prendre conge; to take leave. 

P. D. A. — Pour dire adieu; to say adieu. 

Costume de rigueur, full dress in character. 

Fete chanipetre, a rural entertainment. 

Bal masqzie, a masquerade ball. 

E. V. — En ville, in the town or city. 

Soiree dansante, dancing party. 

REGRET. 

*f$[r. (Doventry regrets tlqat he can 
qot accept fi^r. garrison's polite invi= 
tatioq for T^ondaci eveqiqg, ^ay 23d. 

Thursday, 1%ic/ Sth. 



fmmT&Mivui'; 



■ v. — . ''' , ' '"."; i " 



, -""' ™"% 




REVERIE. 



ADDRESS AND DELIVERY. 117 

ADDRESS AND DELIVERY. 

The envelope should bear no marks except the 
name, unless the message is intended for the mail ; the 
former practice of writing l< present " under the name 
is discontinued. 

Notes are usually delivered by private messen- 
ger; but the mail is used to convey notes to persons 
living in another town or city, or in distant parts of 
the same city. 




CHAPTER VIII. 

ETIQUETTE OF CARDS OF CONDOLENCE AND 
CONGRATULATION. 

NOTED lady, and popular, residing 
in Philadelphia, upon recovering from 
a severe illness, issued a card original 
and new. 

In admiring its brevity and the 
existing need for just such a card, we 
wonder that no one of us has before 
used something so compacted and 

stately, pleasing and appropriate. It reads, engraved 

in elegant script, plain and modest: 

This card, enclosed in an envelope bearing the 
family crest as a seal, reaching those who had left 
cards and made inquiries for a useful and eminent 
member of society, intimates that she will be pleased 




C0MPLIMEN1 CARDS. 119 

to entertain them whenever convenient for them to 
call. 

This card is the proof that we appreciate the 
anxious inquiries by our kind-hearted friends. A 
thought is all that's needed, after this the engraver 
and the secretary or some friend can complete the 
work and save the fatigue to the lady, who may not 
as yet be fully restored to former good health. 
Therefore we may well recommend that this card 
should become a fashion. It meets a universal want. 

COMPLIMENT CARDS. 

This may be called one of the "cards of compli- 
ment" — a phase of card leaving to which we have 
hardly reached in this country. It is even more, it is 
a heartfelt and friendly blossom of etiquette, "just 
out," as we say of the apple-blossoms. 

Now as to the use of it by the afflicted; why 
would it not be well for persons who have lost a 
friend also to have such a card engraved? 



thanks |/qA aiauA fewi/d &/um y ^at{W 
fai& Yp.oGiat &aVt-Q/u& and, £a6A. 






120 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

It would save a world of letter- writing to a per- 
son who does not care to write letters, and it would be 
a very pleasant token to receive when all other such 
tokens are impossible. For people leave their cards 
on a mourner, and never know whether they have 
been received or not. Particularly is this true of 
apartment- houses; and when people live in hotels, 
who knows whether the card ever reaches its destina- 
tion? We generally find that it has not done so, if 
we have the courage to make the inquiry. 

Those cards which we send by a servant to make 
the necessary inquiries for a sick friend, for the hap- 
py mother and the new-born baby, are essentially 
"cards of compliment." In excessively ceremonious 
circles the visits of ceremony on these occasions are 
very elaborate — as at the Court of Spain, for instance; 
a lady of Boston was once much amused at re- 
ceiving the card of a superb Spanish official, who 
called on her newly arrived-daughter when the latter 
was three days old, leaving a card for the "new 
daughter." He of course left a card for the happy 
mamma, and did not ask to go farther than the door, 
but he came in state. 

For the purpose of returning thanks, printed 
cards are sold, with the owner's name written above 



CONDOLENCE. 121 

the printed words. These printed cards are gen- 
erally sent by post, as they are despatched while the 
person inquired after is still an invalid. These cards 
are also used to convey the intelligence of the send- 
er's recovery. Therefore they would not be sent 
while the person was in danger or seriously ill. 

But this has always seemed to us a very poor 
and business-like way of returning "kind inquiries." 
The printed card looks cheap. Far better the en- 
graved and carefully prepared card of Mrs. Buchanan, 
which has the effect of a personal compliment. 

CONDOLENCE. 

Visits of condolence can begin the week after 
the event which occasions them. Personal visits are 
only made by relatives or very intimate friends, who 
will of course be their own judges of the propriety of 
speaking fully of the grief which has desolated the 
house. The cards are left at the door by the person 
inquiring for the afflicted persons, and one card is as 
good as half a dozen. It is not necessary to deluge a 
mourning family with cards. These cards need not 
be returned for a year, unless our suggestion be fol- 
lowed, and the card engraved as we have indicated, 
and then sent by post. It is not yet a fashion, but it 
is in the air, and deserves to be one. 



122 POLITE LIFE AND E7IQUE1 TE. 

CONGRATULATIONS . 

Cards of congratulation are left in person, and if 
the ladies are at home the visitor should go in, and 
be hearty in his or her good wishes. For such visits 
a card sent by post would, among intimate friends, 
be considered cold-blooded. It must at least be left 
in person. 

CEREMONY. 

Now as to cards of ceremony. These are to be 
forwarded to those who have sent invitations to wed- 
dings, carefully addressed to the person who invites 
you; also after an entertainment to which you have 
been asked, within a week after a dinner (this must 
be a personal visit), and on the lady's "day," if she 
has one; and we may add here that if on making a 
call a lady sees that she is not recognized, she should 
hasten to give her name. (This in answer to many 
inquiries.) Only calls of pure ceremony are made 
by handing in cards, as at a tea or general reception, 
etc. When cards have been left once in the season 
they need not be left again. 

COURTESY. 

Under the mixed heads of courtesy and compli- 
ment should be those calls made to formally announce 



COURTESY. 123 

a betrothal. The parents leave the cards of the 
betrothed pair with their own, on all the connections 
and friends of the two families. This is a formal 
announcement, and all who receive this intimation 
should make a congratulatory visit if possible. 

As young people are often asked without their 
parents, the question arises, What should the parents 
do to show their sense of this attention? They 
should leave or send their cards with those of their 
children who have received the invitation. These 
are cards of courtesy. Cards ought not to be left on 
the daughters of a family without also including the 
parents in courteous formality. Gentlemen, when 
calling on any number of ladies, send in only one 
card, and cards left on a reception day where a person 
is visiting are not binding on the visitor to return. 
No separate card is left by a guest on reception 
days. 

A card of courtesy is always sent with flowers, 
books, bonbonnieres, game, sweetmeats, fruits — any 
of the small gifts which are freely offered among inti- 
mate friends. But in acknowledging these gifts or 
attentions a card is not a sufficient return. Nor is it 
proper to write "regrets" or "accepts" on a card, 

A note should be written in either case. 
9 



124 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

The word card comes from the Latin charta, 
signifying a leaf. 

At the present writing visiting cards are made 
from the best unglazed Bristol board, and the names 
npon them should be engraved in the plainest script. 
gentleman's card. 

The gentleman's visiting card is smaller than 
that of the lady, and the name should be thus 
engraved: 



wm [A/f\c4,efbe. 



1423 N, 13th St. 



An officer in the army or navy, a physician, a 
judge, or a minister, may have his title placed be- 
fore his name. The last named should style him- 
self The Reverend, care being taken to include the 
article. 

The gentleman's card should have his private 
address, or that of his club if he be a bachelor, in- 
scribed on the right hand corner. 



LADYS CARD. 
LADY'S CARD. 



125 




A widow has no right *to retain her husband's 
initials, and her card should read: 



JilLL. 5tlrLn,<,e, jcctt 



v±-o-rv. 



126 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

The object of retaining the husband's initials 
during the life of the husband is to prevent con- 
fusion in cases where several sons in the same 
family are married. 

MOTHER'S AND DAUGHTER'S CARD. 

It is proper for the mother who has daughters 
just entering society to have their names placed upon 
her card. 




This is generally considered to be the most 
correct style — for a young lady to have her name 
upon her mother's or chaperon's card during the 
first year of her entrance into society. 



HUSBAND AND WIFE. 



127 



YOUNG LADY'S CARD. 

It is, however, the custom in this country for 
a young lady who has been a year or so in society 
to have a card of her own. 




HUSBAND AND WIFE. 

Formerly, husband and wife had their names on 
the same card ; but this is now seldom done, except 
for weddings or the sending of wedding presents, or 
some similar case, in which both names are united for 
a single purpose. The following is the correct size: 



128 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 




TEA AND COFFEE CARDS, ETC. 

The great popularity of afternoon teas, and eve- 
ning coffees, has given rise to the necessity of an in- 
formal card, which shall serve as an invitation. 





ytti 


Cb'TVci 


ytu*.. 


vconteA. jro-tte,to 






JTLl'i-i^ Jltcuu, ^o-tte-l. 










315 Colorado St. 


Coffee, 


8 to 10. 









MOURNING CARDS. 129 

P. P. C. CARDS. 

P. P. C, or Pour Pre7idre Conge, meaning to 
take one's leave, are used in cases where people are 
leaving town for any length of time, or going away 
from watering places or other such temporary resi- 
dences. They may be sent by mail, if one has not 
the time or opportunity of making, the call in person. 

MOURNING CARDS. 

Those who are in mourning should have cards 
with a black border, varying in depth according to 
the nearness of the relationship of the deceased. In 
such cases the friends of the bereaved family should 
leave their cards at the door. These are known as 
cards of condolence. 

The custom of cornering or turning down cards 
is out of fashion. In cases in which there are several 
ladies in the house it is usual for the caller to leave 
two cards. The wife usually leaves her husband's 
card,, or those of any of the male members of her fa- 
mily. These should be left upon the hall table at the 
termination of the call. 

First calls should be returned within a week, if 
possible. In making a first call, one card should 



130 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

be left for each lady of the family. A married lady 
should leave two of her husband's cards. 

It is well to leave cards upon the hall table even 
when one is admitted to the presence of the lady 
of the house, as it serves to remind her that the 
call has been made, and also serves as a reminder 
for the return call. 

In calling upon a friend who is staying at the 
house of a stranger, cards should be left for the latter, 
as a mark of politeness. 

Ceremonious calls should be made between the 
hours of four and six; but during the winter months 
an hour earlier is permissible. 

The older residents of a city should call first on 
the new-comer, and if the caller simply leaves her 
cards then the lady called upon merely does likewise. 

Formal calls should not exceed fifteen minutes or 
half an hour, under the most favorable circumstances. 

MISCELLANEOUS INVITATIONS. 
TO A SUPPER. 

•i-e^-teei-* Crce> h-tesCods'UL-les o-L wo-Ust c^o-mp^ccyvvu cut, 
cot e><sq,A£ o- o4c«, 



MISCELLANE US INVITA TIONS. 131 



TO A DANCING PARTY. 







Disraeli, in " Lothair," makes Theodora say: 
" No one should ever say good-bye, but, in departing, 
they should fade away like a summer cloud. ' ' Thus 
it is that there are always those, even among our 
most intimate friends, who mar the pleasure we de- 
rive in their society, by not knowing when to go. 
Wheu a friend or caller departs we are glad, sorry, or 
indifferent, and the art of leave-taking should be so 
devised as to leave the best impression possible. 





CHAPTER IX. 

MAXIMS AND BUSINESS. 

WE should carefully read and study 
the proverbs of Washington, what he 
styled "Rules of Civility." Their 
importance and value is so great to 
the general reader that we give them 
in full, and urge all to be guided by them. 

' ' Every action in company ought to be with 
some sign of respect to those present. 

c ( In the presence of others sing not to yourself 
with a humming voice, nor drum with your ringers or 
feet. 

" Speak not when others speak, sit not when 
others stand, and walk not when others stop. 

" Turn not your back to others, especially in 
speaking; jog not the table or desk on which another 
reads or writes; lean not on any one. 

V Be no flatterer, neither play with any one that 
delights not to be played with. 

"Read no letters, books or papers in company; 
but when there is a necessity for doing it, you must 



MAXIMS AND BUSINESS. 133 

not leave. Come not near the books or writing of 
anyone so as to read them unasked; also look not 
nigh when another is writing a letter. 

" Iyet your countenance be pleasant, but in seri- 
ous matters somewhat grave. 

"Show not yourself glad at the misfortune of 
another, though he were your enemy. 

" They that are in dignity of office have in all 
places precedency, but whilst they are young, they 
onght to respect those that are their equals in birth 
or other qualities, though they have no public charge. 

u It is good manners to prefer them to whom we 
speak before ourselves, especially if they be above us. 

u L,et your discourse with men of business be 
short and comprehensive. 

( ' In visiting the sick do not presently play the 
physician if you be not knowing therein. 

u In writing or speaking, give to every person 
his due title according to his degree and the custom 
of the place. 

" Strive not with your superiors in argument, 
but always submit your judgment to others with 
modesty, 

" Undertake not to teach your equal in the art he 
himself professes; it savors of arrogancy. 



134 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

u When a man does all he can, though it suc- 
ceeds not well, blame not him that did it. 

" Being to advise or reprehend any one, consider 
whether it ought to be in public or private, presently 
or at some other time, also in what terms to do it; 
and in reproving show no signs of choler, but do it 
with sweetness and mildness. 

" Mock not nor jest at anything of importance; 
break no jests that are sharp or biting, and if you de- 
liver anything witty or pleasant, abstain from laugh- 
ing thereat yourself. 

"Wherein you reprove another be unblamable 
yourself, for example is more prevalent than precept. 

" Use no reproachful language against any one, 
neither curses nor revilings. 

" Be not hasty to believe flying reports to the 
disparagement of any one. 

"In your apparel be modest, and endeavor to ac- 
commodate nature rather than procure admiration. 
Keep to the fashion of your equals, such as are civil 
and orderly with respect to time and place. 

11 Play not the peacock, looking everywhere about 
you to see if you will be well decked, if your shoes 
fit well, if your stockings set neatly and your clothes 
handsomely. 



MAXIMS AND BUSINESS. 135 

. " Associate yourself with men of good quality if 
you esteem your reputation, for it is better to be alone 
than in bad company. 

u Let your conversation be without malice or 
envy, for it is a sign of tractable and commendable 
nature, and in all causes for passion admit reason 
to govern. 

( * Be not immodest in urging your friend to dis- 
cover a secret. 

" Utter not base and frivolous things amongst 
grown and learned men, nor very difficult questions 
or subjects amongst the ignorant, and things hard to 
be believed. 

" Speak not of doleful things in time of mirth, 
nor at the table; speak not of melancholy things, as 
death and wounds; and if others mention them, 
change, if you can, the discourse. Tell not your 
dreams but to your intimate friends. 

"Break not a jest when none take pleasure in 
mirth. Laugh not aloud, nor at all without occasion. 
Deride no man's misfortunes, though there seem to 
be some cause. 

" Speak not injurious words, neither in jest nor 
earnest. Scoff at none, although they give occasion. 

" Be not forward, but friendly and courteous, the 



136 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

first to salute, hear and answer; and be not pensive 
when it is time to converse. 

( ' Detract not from others, but neither be exces- 
sive in commending. 

% ' Go not thither where you know not whether 
you shall be welcome or not. Give not advice with- 
out being asked; and when desired, do it briefly. 

"If two contend together, take not the part of 
either unconstrained, and be not obstinate in your 
opinion ; in things indifferent be of the major side. 

u Reprehend not the imperfection of others, for 
that belongs to parents, masters and superiors. 

' ' Gaze not upon the marks or blemishes of 
others, and ask not how they came. What you may 
speak in secret to your friend deliver not before 
others. 

( ' Speak not in an unknown tongue in company, 
but in your own language; and that as those of quali- 
ty do, and not as the vulgar. Sublime matters treat 
seriously. 

"Think before you speak; pronounce not im- 
perfectly, nor bring out your words too heartily, but 
orderly and distinctly. 

"When another speaks, be attentive yourself, 
and disturb not the audience. If any hesitate in his 



MAXIMS AND BUSINESS. 137 

words, help him not, nor prompt him without being 
desired; interrupt him not, nor answer him till his 
speech be ended. 

"Treat with men at fit times about business, 
and whisper not in the company of others. 

" Make no comparisons; and if any of the com- 
pany be commended for any brave act of virtue, com- 
mend not another for the same. 

4 ' Be not apt to relate news if you know not the 
truth thereof. In discoursing of the things that you 
have heard, name not your author always. A secret 
discover not. 

u Be not curious to know the affairs of others, 
neither approach to those who speak in private. 

11 Undertake not what you can not perforin; but 
be careful to keep your promise. 

"When you deliver a matter, do it without 
passion and indiscretion, however mean the person 
may be you do it to. 

"When your superiors talk to anybody, hear 
them; neither speak nor laugh. 

"In disputes be not so desirous to overcome as 
not to give liberty to each one to deliver his opinion, 
and submit to the judgment of the major part, espe- 
cially if they are judges of the dispute. 



138 P0LI1E LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

" Be not tedious in discourse; make not many 
digressions, nor repeat often the same matter of dis- 
course. 

" Speak no evil of the absent, for it is unjust. 

u Be not angry at table, whatever happens; and 
if you have reason to be so, show it not; put on a 
cheerful countenance, especially if there be strangers, 
for good humor makes one dish a feast. 

" Set not yourself at the upper end of the table; 
but if it be your due, or the master of the house will 
have it so, contend not, lest you should trouble the 
company. 

"When you speak of God or his attributes, let it 
be seriously, in reverence and honor; and obey your 
natural parents. 

11 Let your recreations be manful, not sinful. 

" Labor to keep alive in your breast that little 
spark of celestial fire called conscience. n 

RULES FOR BUSINESS. 

Form good habits and be polite to all ; for polite- 
ness is the key to success. Be cheerful and avoid 
breaking an engagement. If you have to fail in car- 
rying out an engagement you should make the fact 
known, stating your reasons. Do not deceive a 
customer. It will ruin your business. 



MONE Y. 139 

Never lose your temper in discussing business 
matters. Meet notes and drafts promptly. To neg- 
lect this is to ruin your reputation. If you can not 
pay, write at once to your creditor, stating plainly 
the reason why you cannot pay him, and say when 
you will be able. 

Keep your own counsel, and endeavor, as far as 
practicable, to keep your business and social habits 
distinct. Sentiment has little or no standing in the 
office of the business man; it warps his judgment, 
and causes him to do many things which may inter- 
fere with his success. Take up some business to 
which you are adapted, and let nothing swerve you 
from it; diligence and patience often win when 
genius and hot-headedness will fail. 

MONEY. 

Control your own investments, or you will find 
that you have given to another that which has cost 
you a lifetime to acquire. 

When you pay out a large sum of money, insist 

that the person to whom it is paid shall count it in 

your presence; and on the other hand, never receive 

a sum of money without counting it in the presence 

of the party who pays it to you. 
10 



140 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUE1 TE. 

Great wealth is only to be obtained by con- 
trolling the labor of others. To be rich is to have 
the power to use life to the best advantage. 

CREDIT AND LETTERS. 

Pay bills when presented, Never allow a cred- 
itor to call a second time to collect a bill. Your 
credit will be injured if you do. When you collect a 
bill of a man thank him. 

Never look over another man's books or papers 
if you should chance to see them open. 

When writing a letter asking for information, 
always enclose an envelope, addressed and stamped, 
for an answer. 

Reply to all letters immediately. When you 
call upon a man during business hours, transact your 
business rapidly and make your call as short as is 
consistent with the matter in hand. As a rule, men 
have but little time to visit during business hours. 

When in company, where two or more men are 
talking over matters of business, do not listen to a 
conversation that is not intended for you to hear. 

Employers, having occasion to reprove any of 
their clerks or employes, will find that by speaking 
kindly they will accomplish the desired object much 
better than by harsher means. 







CHAPTER X. 

BALLS AND RECEPTIONS. 

OOD society will not tolerate the 
word u ball " on the invitation cards 
of the hostess. Something like the 
following, neatly printed or engraved, 
or written by the hostess herself, 
would be eminently appropriate. It 
might be varied somewhat, but the 

general form should be retained; nothing could be 

more compact, neat and expressive: 

£n,e, co-nvhcLivvu o-f- JTL-L, CL-rvd Jli^-d-. Jjcois-lI, We-<L<Lj o-tv 
J u,£,<L<£cl'vu e,v-e,n,<sncLj yccrvttCLtu, e,te. / v-e,w'tris ^ cut «,we 
<?- Cs£<s-c>i6. >v. Z) . v. j. 

Or, 



142 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE 



?cz-in.t^<&^i£- ■&--C^-u~i2~-rz. 



-rz- tz.-i 



But she need not indicate further the purpose of 
her party. In Chicago when young ladies are intro- 
duced to society by means of a ball at Kinsley's, the 
invitation is worded: 



e 



jfLi. cb<rvd Jfild,. j)cov-ii, /Y&ll le-a,tce,d,t tk 
cut *ui,nsC o- cto-cJk. 



The card of the young debutante is inclosed. 

If these invitations are sent to new acquaintances 
or to strangers in town, the card of the gentleman is 
enclosed to gentlemen, that of both the gentleman 
and his wife to ladies and gentlemen, if it is a first 
invitation. 






PAR TNERS. 143 

A ballroom should be very well lighted, exceed- 
ingly well ventilated, and very gayly dressed. It is 
the height of the gayety of the day; and although 
dinner calls for handsome dress, a ball demands it. 
Young persons of slender figure prefer light, diapha- 
nous dresses; the chaperons can wear heavy velvet 
and brocade. Jewels are in order. 

FLOWERS. 

A profusion of flowers in the hands of the women 
should add their brightness and perfume to the rooms. 
The great number of bouquets sent to a debutante is 
often embarrassing. The present fashion is to have 
them hung, by different ribbons, on the arm, so that 
they look as if almost a trimming to the dress. 

PARTNERS. 

Gentlemen who have not selected partners before 
the ball, come to their hostess and ask to be presented 
to ladies who will dance with them. As a hostess 
cannot leave her place while receiving, and people 
come at all hours to a ball, she generally asks two or 
three well-known society friends to receive with her, 
who will take this part of her duty off her hands, for 
no hostess likes to see " wall-flowers " at her ball; she 



144 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

wishes all her young people to enjoy themselves. 
Well-bred young men always say to the hostess that 
they beg of her to introduce them to ladies who may 
be without partners, as they would gladly make them- 
selves useful to her. After dancing with a lady, and 
walking about the room with her for a few times, a 
gentleman is at perfect liberty to take the young lady 
back to her chaperon and plead another engagement. 

CONVENIENCE AT BALLS. 

A great drawback to balls in America is the lack 
of convenience for those who wish to remain seated. 
In Europe, where the elderly are first considered, 
seats are placed around the room, somewhat high, 
for the chaperons, and at their feet sit the debutantes. 
These red-covered sofas, in two tiers, as it were, are 
brought in by the upholsterer (as we hire chairs for 
the crowded musicales or readings so common in large 
cities), and are very convenient. It is strange that 
all large halls are not furnished w T ith them, as they 
make every one comfortable, at very little expense, 
and add to the appearance of the room. A row of 
well-dressed ladies, in velvet, brocade, and diamonds, 
some with white hair, certainly forms a very distin- 
guished background for those who sit at their feet. 



BE CAREFUL NOT TO OFFEND. 145 

SERVING SUPPER. 

Supper is generally served all the evening from 
a table on which flowers, fruits, candelabra, silver and 
glass are displayed, and which is loaded with hot 
oysters, boned turkey, salmon, game pates, salads, 
ices, jellies, and fruits, from the commencement of 
the evening. A hot supper, with plentiful cups of 
bouillon, is served again for those who dance the 
german. 

But if the hostess so prefer, the supper is not 
served until she gives the word, when her husband 
leads the way with the most distinguished lady pres- 
ent, the rest of the company following. The hostess 
rarely goes in to supper until every one has been 
served. She takes the opportunity of walking about 
her ballroom to see if every one is happy and attended 
to. If she does go to supper, it is in order to accom- 
pany some distinguished guest — like the President, 
for instance. This is, however, a point which may 
be left to the tact of the hostess. 

BE CAREFUL NOT TO OFFEND. 

A young lady is not apt to forget her ballroom 
engagements, but she should be sure not to do so. 
She must be careful not to offend one gentleman by 



146 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

refusing to dance with him, and then accept the offer 
of another. Such things, done by frivolous girls, 
injure a young man's feelings unnecessarily, and 
prove that the young lady has not had the training of 
a gentlewoman. A young man should not forget if 
he has asked a young lady for the german. He must 
send her a bouquet, and be on hand to dance with 
her. If kept away by sickness, or a death in his 
family, he must send her a note before the appointed 
hour. 

LEAVE TAKING. 

It is not necessary to take leave of your hostess 
at a ball. All that she requires of you is to bow to 
her on entering, and to make yourself as agreeable 
and happy as you can while in her house. 

Young men are not always as polite as they 
should be at balls. They ought, if well-bred, to look 
about, and see if any lady has been left unattended at 
supper, to ask if they can go for refreshments, if they 
can lead a lady to a seat, go for a carriage, etc. It is 
not an impertinence for a young man thus to speak 
to a lady older than himself, even if he has not been 
introduced ; the roof is a sufficient introduction for 
any such purpose. 



HOME SACRED, 147 

.The first persons asked to dance by the young 
gentlemen invited to a house should be the daughters 
of the house. To them and to their immediate 
relatives and friends must the first attentions be 
paid. 

HOME SACRED. 

A lady should not overcrowd her rooms. To put 
five hundred people into a hot room , with no chairs 
to rest in, and little air to breathe, is to apply a very 
cruel test of friendship. It is this impossibility of 
putting one's "five hundred dear friends " into a nar- 
row house which has led to the giving of balls at 
public rooms — an innovation which shocked a French 
woman of rank who married an American. ( ( You 
have no safeguard for society in America," she ob- 
served, ' ' but your homes. No aristocracy, no king, 
no court, no traditions, but the sacred one of home. 
Now, do you not run great risks when you abandon 
your homes, and bring out your girls at a hotel ? " 
There is something in her wise remarks; and with the 
carelessness of chaperonage in cities which are now 
largely populated by irresponsible foreigners the dan- 
gers increase. 



148 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

COVERING THE FLOOR. 

The practice of putting crash over carpets has 
proved so unhealthy to the dancers, on account of the 
fine fuzz which rises from it in dancing, that it is 
now almost wholly abandoned ; and parquet floors are 
becoming so common, and the dancing on them is so 
much more agreeable in every way, that ladies have 
their heavy parlor carpets taken up before a ball 
rather than lay a crash. 

SMOKING. 

A smoking-room, up or down stairs, is set apart 
for the gentlemen, where, in some houses, cigars and 
brandy and effervescent waters are furnished. If this 
provision be not made, it is the height of indelicacy 
for gentlemen to smoke in the dressing-room. 

The bad conduct of young men at large balls, 
where they abuse their privileges by smoking, getting 
drunk at supper, eating unreasonably, blockading the 
tables, and behaving in an unseemly manner, even 
coming to blows in the supper-rooms, has been dwelt 
upon in the annals of the past, which annals ever re- 
main a disgrace to the young fashionables of any city. 
Happily, such breaches of decorum are now so rare 
that there is no need to touch upon them here. 



BALLS, INVITATIONS, ETC. 149 

BALLS. 

Invitations to a ball in public halls should read: 







J^jLi-d.*/*:-U.~~?D^ '*y _^«*C*C -/, ■/£"££; 






• £e »**«#««•* (ls'2i-e--tex- <^J£/<2- 



e--t<cr- cJ^<j-t^J-e . 



PREPARATIONS FOR A BALL. 

Dressing rooms should be provided for the ladies 
and gentlemen, with servants to each. There should 
be cards with the names of the invited guests upon 
them, or checks with duplicates to be given to the 
guests ready to pin upon the wraps of each one. A 
complete set of toilet articles should be supplied for 
each room. If it is possible, the house should be ela- 
borately decorated with flowers. 



150 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

MUSIC 

Four musicians are enough for a u dance." If 
the dancing-room is small, the flageolet is preferable 
to the horn, since it is less noisy, The piano and 
the violin form the mainstay of the band. When 
the rooms are large enough a large band may be 
employed. 

DANCES. 

The dances should be arranged beforehand, and, 
tor large halls, programmes are printed with a list of 
the dances. A ball usually opens with a grand march 
and waltz, followed by a quadrille, and these are suc- 
ceeded by galops, lancers, polkas, quadrilles and 
waltzes, in turn. 

INTRODUCING AT BAIXS. 

When gentlemen are introduced to ladies at a 
ball for the purpose of dancing, upon meeting after- 
ward, they should wait to be recognized before speak- 
ing; but they are at liberty to recall themselves by 
lifting their hats in passing. An introduction for 
dancing does not constitute a speaking acquaintance- 
ship. 

Upon meeting, it is as much the gentleman's 
place to bow as it is the lady's. The one who recog- 



IN VI TA TIONS, 151 

nizes first should be the first to show that recognition. 
Introductions take place in a ball-room in order fcc 
provide ladies with partners, or between persons re- 
siding- in different cities. In all other cases, permission 
is asked before giving introductions. 

INVITATIONS. 

Invitations to receptions should be very informal 
and simple. Not unfrequently the lady's card bears 
the simple inscription, "At Home, Wednesday, from 
four to seven." If "R. S. V. P." is on the corner of 
these invitations, an answer is expected, otherwise 
none is required. It is not essential to have cards. 
All who are invited, whether they attend or not, are 
expected to call upon the host and hostess, as soon 
after the reception as possible. 

A NEAT INVITATION. 
)fU. eW )fUd,. o2). )fUA 



)Ye><£n,eA,ocuvL } JJcc 

3339 t9*^ /Ycolrvu,l 3Uee,i, 



11 



152 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

COUNTRY PARTIES. 

Morning and afternoon parties in the country, or 
at watering places, are more informal than in cities. 
The hostess introduces such of her guests as she thinks 
most likely to be mutually agreeable. To make such 
parties successful, music, or some amusement, is 
essential. 

SUNDAY HOSPITALITIES. 

Hospitalities on Sunday are not in good taste. It 
is a day of rest rather than a day for entertaining, and 
waiting upon guests. 

FIVE o'clock TEA„ 

Five o'clock tea, coffee and kettle-drums have 
recently been introduced in this country from Eng- 
land. Invitations for these are usually issued on the 
lady's visiting card, with the following words written 
in the left hand corner: 

Jlii-. a Mild,. Joo-tto-ny <Le><3,u,&<L£ t<fve> hte,a,<Lu,le, &*- 
uo-u.1^ CsG-nvh-CL'rvvu <$-rv J ■n,'iti,d'<£ci, / vu &if-&n,t,ns<2- , Vco / hv. 2-2,0 , 
If-o-m, e-iaAt to- tuf-Qlxf-e, o< csC&c&. (720 Jo Z)ti,e^t. 

H. 6. >. P. 



FIVE a CLOCK TEA, ETC. 153 



S/OUA^ 



3\vuA/^ia/VJv, ^A>. 1^_ 
For a kettle-drum, 

INFORMAL RECEPTIONS. 

If ( ( R. S. V. P. " is not on the cards no answers 
are expected. It is optional with those who attend 
to leave cards. All who are invited are expected to 
call afterward. 



154 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

The hostess receives her guests standing, aided 
by other members of her family, or intimate friends. 

For a kettle-drum there is usually a crowd, and 
yet but few remain over half an hour — the conven- 
tional time allotted — unless they are detained by 
music, or some entertaining conversation. 

A table set in the dining-room is supplied with 
tea, coffee, chocolate, sandwiches, buns and cake, 
which constitute all that is offered to the guests. 

There is less formality at a kettle-drum than at a 
larger day reception. The time is spent in conversa- 
tion with friends, in listening to music, or such 
entertainment as has been provided. 

Ladies wear the demi-toilet, with or without 
bonnets. Gentlemen wear the usual morning dress. 

FORMAL RECEPTIONS. 

Evening parties and balls are much more formal 
than the entertainments that have been mentioned. 
These require evening dress. Lately evening dress 
is almost as much worn at grand dinners as at balls 
and evening parties, only the material is not so 
showyc 

RECEIVING. 

It is not now the custom for the host and hostess 
to receive together. The receiving devolves upon 




RECEPTION. 



AFTER-CALLS. 157 

the .hostess, but it is the duty of the host to remain 
in the room until all the guests have arrived, so that 
he may be found when sought for. The same duty 
devolves upon the sons, who must share their atten- 
tions with all during the evening. The daughters 
and sons will look after partners for the ladies who 
wish to dance, and they must see that no one is neg- 
lected before they dance themselves. 

AFTER-CALLS. 

An after-call is due the lady of the house at 
which you were entertained, and should be made as 
soon as possible, within two weeks at the farthest. 
If it is impossible to make a call, send your card, or 
leave it at the door. It is customary for a lady who 
has no weekly reception day, in sending invitations 
to a ball, to inclose her card in each invitation for 
one or more receptions, in order that the after-calls 
due her may be made on that day. 

SUPPER. 

Generally the supper room at a ball is thrown 
open at twelve o'clock. The table is made elegant 
by beautiful china, cut glass, and a variety of flowers. 
The hot dishes are oysters, stewed, fried, broiled and 



158 POLITE^LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

escalloped; chicken, game, etc.; and the cold dishes 
are boned turkey, chicken salad, raw oysters and 
lobster salad. When supper is announced, the host 
leads the way with the lady to whom he wishes to 
show special attention. The hostess remains until 
the last with the gentleman who takes her to supper, 
unless some distinguished guest is present, with 
whom she leads the way. No gentleman should go 
into the supper room alone unless he has seen every 
lady enter before him. If ladies are left alone unat- 
tended, gentlemen, although strangers, may offer 
their services in waiting upon them. 

DUTIES OF THOSE INVITED. 

Rules for accepting or declining invitations to 
balls are the same as those given for "Dinner Parties." 
Every lady who attends a ball should make her 
toilet as neat and complete as possible. The gentle- 
men should wear evening dress. Every guest should 
arrive as early as possible after the hour named. 
The guests should do all in their power to aid in the 
entertainment of all present, and no one should de- 
cline to be introduced to such guests as the hostess 
requests. 

A gentleman is not compelled to remain longer 
with a lady than he desires. By moving around from 



A GENTLEMAN'S DUTY. 159 

one to another an opportunity is given to circulate 
freely, and this custom contributes to the enjoyment 
of all. 

No person should remain beside the hostess 
while she is receiving her friends, except members of 
the family and friends that she has designated to 
assist her. 

All guests entering should pass in to make room 
for others. 

a gentleman's duty. 

A gentleman should always walk around a lady's 
train, and never attempt to step over it. If by acci- 
dent he should tread upon her dress, he should beg 
her pardon, and if by greater awkwardness he should 
tear it, he must offer to escort her to the dressing- 
room so that it may be repaired. If in the ball-room 
a lady asks any favor of a gentleman, such as to in- 
quire if her carriage is in waiting, he should under 
no circumstances refuse her request. It is the gen- 
tleman's duty to ask the daughters of the family to 
dance, and if the ball has been given for a lady who 
dances, he should include her in his attention. A 
well-bred gentleman will look after those who are 
unsought and neglected in the room. 



160 POLITE L IFE AND E TIQ UE TTE. 

When gentlemen are unacquainted with all the 
members of the family, their first duty, after speaking 
to their host and hostess, is to ask some friend to 
introduce them to those members whom they do not 
know. 

THE ESCORT'S DUTY. 

The gentleman should call for the lady whom he 
is to escort, go with her to the ball, escort her to the 
door of the dressing-room, return to join her there 
when she is ready to go to the reception room, upon 
reaching it proceed to the hostess, engage her com- 
pany for the first dance, and escort her to supper 
when she is ready to go. He must watch and see 
that she has a partner for dancing through the en- 
tire evening. 

Upon reaching home, if the lady invites him 
in, he should decline. It is his duty to call in two 
days. 

ETIQUETTE OF RECEPTIONS AND BALLS. 

A man who knows how to dance, and refuses to do 
so, should absent himself from the ball. 

Noisy talking and boisterous laughter in a ball- 
room are contrary to the rules of etiquette, 



ETIQUETTE OF RECEPTIONS AND BALLS. 161 

Upon leaving a small dance, or party, it is good 
manners to wish the lady of the house a "good 
night," bnt at a large ball it is not expected. At 
a party there may be dancing, but at a ball there 
must be. 

Those who were invited and not able to be pres- 
ent, must present their regrets the first time they 
meet the hostess, and express an appreciation of their 
invitation. 

In dancing a round dance, a gentleman should 
never place a lady's hand at his back, on his hip, or 
in the air, but gracefully by his side. 

In a ball-room never forget nor confuse your 
engagements. If such should occur, an apology, of 
course, must be offered and pleasantly accepted. 

In a quadrille it is not essential for a gentleman 
to bow to his lady, but he may offer her his arm and 
give her a seat. 

Always wear white gloves in a ball-room; very 
light shades are admissible. 

Usually a married couple do not dance together 
in society, but it is a sign of unusual attention for a 
husband to dance with his wife, and he may do so if 
he wishes. 



162 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

Do not enter the ball-room on the arm of your 
husband or escort. The lady should enter first, the 
gentleman following. 

In asking a lady to dance, the following is the 
correct form : ' 'May I have the pleasure of the next 
waltz with you?" In asking the favor the gentleman 
should bow to the lady, and enter her name on his 
card, and his initials or surname on hers. 

When the dance is over the gentleman should 
return the lady to her chaperon or friends, and beiore 
leaving her both should bow and say, "Thank you." 

The custom is for the gentleman to take in to 
supper the lady with whom he is talking at the mo- 
ment when supper is announced, unless he has made 
a previous engagement, which is permissible. 

In the event of both chaperon and the young 
lady being present, he offers his arm to the former, 
and the young lady follows or walks beside the 
chaperon. 

Gentlemen should put on their hats and over- 
coats before going to the carriage with the ladies. 

Upon the evening of the ball, if the weather is 
inclement, a covering of canvas should be placed for 
the protection of the guests in going from their car- 



ETIQUETTE OF RECEPTIONS AND BALLS. 163 

riages to the door. A carpet should also be spread 
from the house to the carriage steps. 

Partners should be engaged before the music 
begins. At a private dance, a lady can not conve- 
niently refuse to dance with a gentleman who invites 
her, unless she has a previous engagement. If she is 
weary, and feels that she can not dance, he should 
remain with her while the dance proceeds. 





CHAPTFR XL 



WEDDINGS. 



O BOOK can presume to even suggest 
a rule to fit all wedding ceremonies. 
The circumstances and occasions must 
in a large degree enter into the time, 
place and way in which we take upon 
ourselves that most solemn of all, the 
marriage vow. 
We shall give in a general and plausible way the 
plain facts controlling all such ceremonies in "Polite 
Ivife; n others, of course, can be modeled after them as 
the occasion may require. No young lady should 
appear in public after the invitations are issued. 

DUTY OF THE GROOM'S FAMILY. 

The reception of an engaged girl by the family 
of her future husband should be most cordial, and no 
time should be lost in giving her a warm welcome. 
It is the moment of all others when she will feel such 
a welcome most gratefully, and when any neglect will 
be certain to give her the keenest unhappiness. 



PRESENTS. 165 

It is the fashion for the mother of the groom to 
invite both the family of the expectant bride and her- 
self to a dinner as soon as possible after the formal 
announcement of the engagement. The two families 
should meet and should make friendship at once. 
This is important. 

It is to these near relatives that the probable date 
of the wedding-day is first whispered, in time to allow 
of much consultation and preparation in the selection 
of wedding gifts. 

THE PRESENTS. 

A present is generally packed where it is bought, 
and sent with the giver's card from the shop to the 
bride directly. She should always acknowledge its 
arrival by a personal note w T ritten by herself. A 
young bride once gave mortal offence by not thus 
acknowledging her gifts. She said she had so many 
that she could not find time to write the notes, which 
was naturally considered boastful and most ungra- 
cious. 

Gifts which owe their value to the personal taste 
or industry of the friend who sends are particularly 
complimentary. A piece of embroidery, a painting, 
a water-color, are most flattering gifts, as they be- 
token a long and predetermined interest. 



166 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

No friend should be deterred from sending a 
small present, one not representing a money value, 
because other and richer people can send a more ex- 
pensive one. Often the little gift remains as a most 
endearing and useful souvenir. 

As for showing the wedding gifts, that is a thing 
which must be left to individual taste. Some people 
disapprove of it, and consider it ostentatious; others 
have a large room devoted to the display of the pres- 
ents, and it is certainly amusing to examine them. 

As for the engagement-ring, modern fashion pre- 
scribes a diamond solitaire, which may range in price 
from two hundred and fifty to two thousand dollars. 
The matter of presentation is a secret between the 
engaged pair. 

HOME WEDDINGS. 

Evening weddings do not differ from day wed- 
dings essentially, except that the bridegroom wears 
evening dress. 

If the wedding is at home, the space where the 
bridal party is to stand is usually marked off by a 
ribbon, and the clergyman comes down before the 
bridal pair; they face him, and he faces the company. 
After the ceremony the clergyman retires, and the 



AFTER THE TOUR. 167 

bridal party take his place; standing to receive their 
friends' congratulations. 

Should there be dancing at a wedding, it is 
proper for the bride to open the first quadrille with 
the best man, the groom dancing with the first 
bridesmaid. It is not, however, very customary for a 
bride to dance, or for dancing to occur at an evening 
wedding, but it is not a bad old custom. 

AFTER THK TOUR. 

After the bridal pair return from their wed- 
ding-tour, the bridesmaids each give them a dinner 
or a party, or show some attention, if they are so 
situated that they can do so. The members of the 
two families, also, each give a dinner to the young 
couple. 

It is now a very convenient and pleasant cus- 
tom for the bride to announce with her wedding- 
cards two or more reception days during the winter 
after her marriage, on which her friends can call 
upon her. The certainty of finding a bride at home 
is very pleasing. On these occasions she does not 
wear her wedding-dress, but receives as if she had 
entered society as one of its members. The wedding 
trappings are all put away, and she wears a dark 
silk, which may be as handsome as she chooses. 



168 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

The bride should be very attentive and concil- 
iatory to all her husband's friends. They will look 
with interest upon her from the moment they hear 
of the engagement, and it is in the worst taste for 
her to show indifference to them. 

LEAVING CARDS. 

The period of card-leaving after a wedding is 
not yet definitely fixed. Some authorities say ten 
days, but that in a crowded city, and with an im- 
mense acquaintance, would be quite impossible. 

If only invited to the church, many ladies con- 
sider that they perform their whole duty by leaving 
a card sometime during the winter, and including 
the young couple in their subsequent invitations. 
Very rigorous people call, however, within ten days, 
and if invited to the house, the call is still more 
imperative, and should be made soon after the 
wedding. 

But if a young couple do not send their future 
address, but only invite one to a church-wedding, 
there is often a very serious difficulty in knowing 
where to call, and the first visit must be indefinitely 
postponed until they send cards notifying their friends 
of their whereabouts. 



WEDDING INVITATIONS. 169 

Wedding invitations require no answer. But 
people living at a distance, who cannot attend the 
wedding, should send their cards by mail, to assure 
the hosts that the invitation has been received. 
The usual form for wedding-cards is this: 



4d>. Wa?ne4> S/f\ciM,rici 



itt7,t<c€4-t w&u>i, ft-i€4-£'nce -ezl 'trie mtzbl-ttiize -exjp t'/it 
r/ctutzAiei, (& Auld-aci'U- (fci ) we<nt,'rirfs ) (gfeu,. ^t^ 
cot eitzn,t <z ct&c/z. 



iet,l 



<Js&i/.-v&z-&^e^£&- 



The card of the young lady, that of her intended 



husband, and another card to the favored- 



a/iei, lAe cele'tntM-M, 

is also enclosed. 

People with a large acquaintance cannot always 
invite all their friends, of course, to a wedding recep- 



170 POLITE LIFE AND E TIQ UE TTE. 

tion, and therefore invite all to the church. Some- 
times people who are to give a small wedding at 
home request an answer to the wedding invitation. 

Bridesmaids, if prevented by illness or sudden 
bereavement from officiating, should notify the bride 
as soon as possible, and it is a difficult thing after a 
bridal cortege is arranged to reorganize it. 

COURTSHIP — THE GENTLEMAN. 

The barriers existing in other countries between 
the sexes are happily not the custom in America. This 
adds much to the life and pleasure of society. If such 
freedom is not abused it contributes greatly to the joy 
of both sexes. 

Gentlemen .are at liberty to ask the company of 
young ladies to concerts, theatre, church, etc. , to call 
upon them, ride and drive with them, and to make 
themselves as agreeable as possible. 

A gentleman who does not contemplate matri- 
mony should not be too exclusive in his attention to 
any one lady. 

THE LADY. 

A young lady, if she is not engaged, may receive 
calls from any gentleman of her acquaintance (un- 



PROPOSALS. Ill 

married) if she desires to do so. She. should, however, 
exercise discretion in bestowing her favors; she is 
allowed perfect liberty in matters of invitation without 
giving offense even though she refuses. 

She should not allow special attentions from a 
gentleman if the)' are not reciprocated. By violating 
this rule of propriety she not only wrongs the young 
man but injures her own chances of receiving the at- 
tention from others which she could reciprocate and 
enjoy. No matter how much a lady may admire a 
gentleman, she will not show eagerness if well-bred ; 
neither will she be so reserved as to altogether dis- 
courage him. It is not good breeding to encourage a 
proposal and then refuse it; you will soon be known 



PROPOSALS. 

Where the acquaintance is brief it is unwise and 
very presumptuous for a gentleman to make a pro- 
posal to a young lady; all such proposals come from 
mere adventurers and should be rejected; and a lady 
who would accept — on first sight, hardly possesses 
the discretion needed to make a good wife. 

When a young lady is engaged she should be 
most careful and live strictly to the rules of etiquette 



172 POLITE LIFE AND E TIQ UE TTE . 

governing this condition. She should under no cir- 
cumstances take long journeys with her fiance 
alone. 

ACQUAINTANCE BEFORE MARRIAGE. 

There may be such a thing as love at first sight, 
and if there is, it is not a very risky thing upon which 
to base a marriage. Couples should know each other 
thoroughly before they become engaged. They 
should be certain that their tastes and temperaments 
harmonize, and that their society will be congenial 
each to the other. 

MANNER OE COURTSHIP. 

It is impracticable to lay down rules as to the 
proper mode of courtship and proposals. The customs 
of different countries differ greatly in this respect. In 
France, for instance, it is the business of the parents 
to settle all preliminaries. In England the young 
man asks the consent of the parents to pay addresses 
to their daughter, while in this country the matter is 
left almost entirely with the young people themselves. 

Whether courtship may lead to an engagement or 
not must be determined by circumstances. If a man 
begins seriously to court a girl, but discovers, before 




12 



THE ENGAGEMENT RING. 



MANNER OF COURTSHIP. 173 

he has become engaged, that they are entirely uu- 
suited, he may, with perfect propriety and without 
serious injury to the lady, withdraw his attentions. 

It is laid down in some authorities upon this 
subject that the parents' authority should be obtained 
before the daughter is asked to give herself in mar- 
riage. While this would not be improper or wrong, 
still, in this country, with our social customs, it is best 
not to be too strict in this regard. Each case has its 
peculiar circumstances which should govern it. 

A young man would always prefer to know the 
young lady's mind on the subject before he sought 
the will of the parents. No one wants a young lady 
to receive his hand in marriage just to please her 
parents, but there are few young men who will not 
take a young lady in opposition to her parents' wishes 
if he loves her and can get her. At all events the 
young lady's feelings in the matter are considered of 
vastly more importance than the parents'. There 
should, however, be due consideration given to the 
feelings of the father and mother. They have reared 
the daughter and expect that she will be an honor 
and comfort to them. Their prejudices against a 
young man may be ill-founded, but still no young lady 
ought to discard her parents' counsels entirely in the 



174 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

matter of marriage, nor should a young man be too 
bold in encouraging defiance to their wishes. 

VIGILANCE BY PARENTS. 

Mothers especially should watch closely the ten- 
dency of their daughters' affections. If they see them 
turning in an unworthy direction, influence of some 
sort should be brought to bear to counteract this. 
Great delicacy and tact are required to manage things 
rightly. If possible, bring forward a more suitable 
person to attract the girl's attention. 

Make apparent to her the objectionable traits of 
the undesirable suitor in a seemingly unintentional 
way. If all this fails, and it is possible to do so, 
resort to change of scene and surroundings by travel 
or visiting. The latter remedy is the surest if mat- 
ters have not gone too far. In fact, one-half of the 
love matches would be voluntarily broken up by the 
parties themselves if they should be separated for 
any great length of time. There is no way to so 
surely test true love as this. 

HAPPIEST STATE FOR MAN AND WOMAN. 

All the world smiles when a wedding takes 
place, and the principals are, for the time being, 



MUTUAL CONFIDENCE. 175 

objects of the greatest interest. Much has been said 
of late in certain quarters in regard to the infelicity 
of many marriages; but if the divorce courts are to be 
taken as criterions of the success or failure of this in- 
stitution, those who endeavor to have the tie dissolved 
by this means do not exceed one in a hundred of all 
the marriages which take place. 

It has been truly said that marriage halves a 
man's sorrows and doubles his joys. 

A wedding should, of course, be celebrated in a 
manner suitable to the standing and wealth of the 
contracting parties. The retirement of the honey- 
moon is no longer fashionable, and the wedding tour 
is also no longer considered a necessary adjunct to the 
marriage ceremony; and, when it is considered that 
many wealthy brides prefer to be married in a travel- 
ing dress and bonnet and in the presence of a few 
friends, there is no need to spend thousands of dollars 
in order to enter the marriage state in a becoming 
manner. 

MUTUAL CONFIDENCE). 

Mutual trust and confidence are requisites for 
happiness in married life. There can be no true love 
without trust. To combine all the conditions, moral 



176 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

and religious, will insure not only a life of happiness, 
but also one of usefulness. 

UNWELCOME SUIT. 

If a young lady has no affection for a man, and 
can not conceive that she ever could entertain any, it 
is cruel to urge her to give her hand without her love. 
The lover may eagerly believe that affection will 
grow with companionship, but it will not do to risk 
it. And the clay may come when he will reproach 
his wife for having no love for him, and he will pos- 
sibly make that the excuse for all manner of unkind- 
ness. 

A lady's first refusal. 

A lady's first refusal is not always to be taken as 
absolute. Diffidence or uncertainty as to her own 
feelings may influence a lady to reply in the negative 
when she would wish, after consideration, she had 
replied otherwise. A gentleman may repeat his suit 
after having been once repulsed, but if she refuses a 
second proposal the suit should be dropped. No lady 
ought to say "No" twice to a suit which she intends 
ultimately to accept. Allow your lady full time to 
make up her mind, and then, on a second refusal, 
drop the suit. 



BREAKING AN ENGAGEMENT. 177 

REJECTED SUITOR. 

Etiquette demands that the suitor shall accept 
the decis'on and retire from the field. He has no 
right to demand the reason of her refusal. To persist 
in urging the suit, or to follow up the lady with 
marked attentions, would be in the worst possible 
taste. The proper course is to treat her with respect, 
but withdraw as much as possible from the circles in 
which she moves, so as not to cause her painful 
reminiscences. 

DUTIES OF AN ENGAGED COUPLE. 

A young man has no right to appear in public 
with other ladies while his future bride remains at 
home. He is, after engagement, her legitimate es- 
cort. She should accept no other escort when he is 
at liberty to attend her. Neither should be too de- 
monstrative of their affection before marriage. 

BREAKING AN ENGAGEMENT. 

It sometimes becomes necessary to break off an 
engagement. And this, indeed, is not always unjusti- 
fiable. If anything is developed that will make the 
marriage unhappy, it is far better to break it off than 
otherwise. Always break an engagement by letter. 



178 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

In this way the reasons can be set forth fully without 
the embarrassment of the other's presence. Upon 
the dissolution of an engagement all letters, pictures, 
presents, etc., received should be returned. The 
heartaches that come from disappointed love do not 
last always, therefore do not think it the greatest of 
calamities that separation should come even though 
on the verge of marriage. 

AN INVITATION. 

)fU. J >fUA. ^ee 6ntilA 

■/-Cf? cve.±t tree, jilesCLivcLe. <%£ iao-u.1, co nvh-cuvcw cot *y£e 

vu-e-a<£t>va, ©-/- t,?oe,vi, <£&vtcLtvte,-l ~ijf-coce, 

to- yo-fvtv Jofi-G'Uf-n,; 

cot stiimo-itl-k, xt-icu-tcn,, sla ite,nv£e,L i^ttc. 

These invitations are engraved on note-paper. 

If friends are invited to a wedding-breakfast, or a 
reception at the house, that fact is stated on a separate 
card, which is enclosed in the same envelope. 

Of course in great cities, with a large acquaint- 
ance, many are asked to the church and not to the 
house. This fact should never give offense. 



CHURCH WEDDINGS. 179 

The smaller card runs in this fashion: 



To these invitations the invited guests make no 
response save to go or leave cards. All invited 
guests, however, are expected to call on the young 
couple and invite them during the year. 

Of course there are quieter weddings and very 
simple arrangements as to serving refreshments: a 
wedding-cake and a decanter of sherry often are 
alone offered to the witnesses of a wedding. 

Many brides prefer to be married in traveling- 
dress and hat, and leave immediately, without con- 
gratulations. 

CHURCH WEDDING. 

The bridegroom's relatives sit at the right of the 
altar or communion rails, thus being on the bride- 
groom's right hand, and those of the bride sit on the 
left, at the bride's left hand. The bridegroom and 
best man stand on the clergyman's left hand at the 
altar. The bride is taken by her right hand by the 
groom, and of course stands on his left hand; her 



l&O POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

father stands a little behind her. Sometimes the 
female relatives stand in the chancel with the bridal 
group, but this can only happen in a very large 
church; and the rector must arrange this, as in high 
churches the marriages take place outside the chancel. 

After the ceremony is over the clergyman bends 
over and congratulates the young people. The bride 
then takes the left arm of the groom, and passes 
down the aisle, followed by her bridesmaids and the 
ushers. 

Some of our correspondents have asked us what 
the best man is doing at this moment? Probably wait- 
ing in the vestry, or, if not, he hurries down a side 
aisle, gets into a carriage, and drives to the house 
where the wedding reception is to be held. 

MOURNING DRESS AT WEDDINGS. 

For weddings in families where a death has 
recently occurred, all friends, even the widowed mo- 
ther, should lay aside their mourning for the ceremony, 
appearing in colors. It is considered unlucky and 
inappropriate to wear black at a wedding. In our 
country a widowed mother appears at her daughter's 
wedding in purple velvet or silk; in England she 
wears deep cardinal red, which is considered, under 



ADMISSION, CARDS, ETC. 181 

these circumstances, to be mourning, or proper for a 
person who is in mourning. 

THE BRIDESMAIDS AND GROOMSMEN. 

Bridesmaids are ta^en from the relatives or most 
intimate friends — the sisters of the bride and of the 
bridegroom where possible. The bridegroom chooses 
his groomsmen and ushers from his circle of relatives 
and friends of his own age, and from the relatives of 
his fiancee of a suitable age, 

ADMISSION CARDS. 

The card of admission to the church is nar- 
rower, and is plainly engraved in large script, as 
follows: 



a. 



^urnc-wlA QzZAulcA. 



^^l&eLern&wif CC'C lum & etae-fe. 



About half an hour intervenes between the 
ceremony and reception. Those receiving "At Home" 
invitations should never fail to accept. 



182 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

REQUIREMENTS OF BRIDESMAIDS AND USHERS. 

Bridesmaids and ushers should allow nothing 
but illness or some unavoidable accident to prevent 
them from officiating. They should gratefully accept 
the honored position for which they have been se- 
lected, and thus show their appreciation of the 
friendship and esteem in which they are held by 
the bridal pair. If for any reason one can not at- 
tend, a substitute should be provided immediately. 

CARDS. 

It is not etiquette for the groom to furnish 
anything for his own wedding but the ring and a 
bouquet for the bride, presents for the bridesmaids 
and the best man, and some token to the ushers. 
He pays the clergyman. 

He should not pay for the cards, the carriages, the 
entertainment, or anything connected with the wed- 
ding. This is decided in the high court of etiquette. 
That is the province of the family of the bride, and 
should be insisted upon. If they are not able to do 
this, there should be no wedding and no cards. It is 
better for a portionless girl to go to the altar in a 
traveling dress, and to send out no sort of invitations 



~1 




ehiide: - mauds. 



CARDS. 1S3 

or wedding cards, than to allow the groom to pay for 
them. This is not to the disparagement of the rights 
of the groom. It is simply a proper and universal 
etiquette. 

Suppose, as was the case twice last winter, 
that an engagement of marriage is broken after the 
cards are out. Who is to repay the bridegroom if he 
has paid for the cards? Should the father of the bride 
send him a check? That would be very insulting; 
yet a family would feel nervous about being under 
pecuniary indebtedness to a discarded son-in-law. 
The lady can return her ring and the gifts her lover 
has made her-, they have suffered no contact that will 
injure them. But she could not return shoes or 
gowns or bonnets. 

It is therefore wisely ordered by etiquette that 
the lover be allowed to pay for nothing that could not 
be returned to him without loss, if the engagement 
were dissolved, even on the wedding morning. 

Of course in primitive life the lover may pay for 
his lady-love, as we will say in the case of a pair of 
young people who come together in a humble station. 
Such marriages are common in America, and many 
of these pairs have mounted to the very highest social 
cank. But they must not attempt anything which is 



184 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

in imitation of the etiquette of fashionable life unless 
they can do it well and thoroughly. 

Nothing is more honorable than a marriage-cele- 
brated in the presence only of father, mother and 
priest. 

EVIL OF LIBERTY. 

This evil of excessive liberty and of the loose 
etiquette of our young people can not be rooted out 
by laws. It must begin at the hearth-stone. Family 
life must be reformed; young ladies must be brought 
up with greater strictness. The bloom of innocence 
should not be brushed off by careless hands. 

And we must remember what a fatal effect upon 
marriage is the loosing of the ties of respect. Love 
without trust is without respect, and if a lover has 
not respected his fiancee, he will never respect his 
wife. 

The members of the bride's family go to the 
church before the bride, the bridegroom and his best 
man await them at the altar. 

The bride comes last, with her father or brother, 
whois.tr give her away. She is joined at the altar 
step by her fiance, who takes her hand, and then she 
becomes his for life. 



SPRING AND SUMMER WEDDINGS. 185 

All these trifles mean much, as any one can learn 
who goes through with the painful details of a di- 
vorce suit. 

SPRING AND SUMMER WEDDINGS. 

Two little girls, beautifully dressed in Kate Green- 
away hats and white gowns, and with immense sashes, 
carrying bouquets, come in first; then the brides- 
maids, who form an avenue. Then the bride and her 
father walk up to the altar, where the groom claims 
her, and her father steps back. The bride stands on 
the left hand of the bridegroom ; her first bridesmaid 
advances nearly behind her, ready to receive the glove 
and bouquet. After the ceremony is over the bride 
and groom walk down the aisle first, and the children 
follow; after them the bridesmaids, then the ushers, 
then the father and mother, and so on. Sometimes 
the ushers go first, to be ready to cloak the bride, 
open the doors, keep back the people, and generally 
preserve order. 

The signing of the register in the vestry is not 
an American custom, but it is now the fashion to have 
a highly illuminated parchment certificate signed by 
the newly married pair, with two or three witnesses, 
the bridesmaids, the best man, the father and mother, 
and so on 4 generally being the attesting parties. 



186 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

Widows who are to be married again should be 
reminded that they can neither have wedding favors 
nor wear a veil or orange blossoms. A widow bride 
should wear a bonnet, she should have no brides- 
maids, and a peach -blossom silk 01 velvet is a very 
pretty dress. At a certain up-town wedding all the 
gentlemen will wear a wedding favor excepting the 
groom. He always wears only a flower. 

OUT OF TOWN WEDDING. 

This comprehensive card engraved on one sheet 
of paper, conveys the desired information of where to 
find the bride. 

t& 

Jfl-L. -tsdvu-cblo JtvLnvcLtv j 

Oft, JtteA^dco'Wj Oc<£®-<ie.L £&& £e,?v£fVj 

zAt ZJcu<Lci,to-<2,CLj si. 11. 

col J%J Po-f^lcul 6tUet. 



BONNE TS AND HA TS. 187 

The card of announcement is a model of concise- 
ness, and answers the oft- repeated question, "Where 
shall we go to find the married couple next winter?" 

BONNETS AND HATS. 

We are often asked by summer brides whether 
they should wear bonnets or round hats for their tra- 
velling-dress. We unhesitatingly say bonnets. A very 
pretty wedding bonnet is made of lead-colored beads 
without foundation, light and transparent; strings of 
red velvet and a bunch of red plums complete this 
bonnet. Gold-colored straw, trimmed with gold- 
brown velvet and black net, makes a pretty traveling 
bonnet. Open-work black straw trimmed with black 
lace and red roses, very high in the crown, with a 
"split front," is a very becoming and appropriate 
bonnet for a spring costume. 




CHAPTER XII. 




PAPER, WOOD, TIN, SILVER AND GOLDEN 
WEDDINGS. 

APER weddings occur at the end of the 
first year of married life, and are celebra- 
ted in fun and frolic; a kind of annual 
reception. 

Invitations should be issued on 
heavy gray paper or thin card-board. 
The presents consist of any article of 
paper, including books, engravings, etc. 

WOODEN WEDDING. 

The fifth mile stone in wedded life is the wooden 
wedding. Cards of invitation are issued on wood, 
.pressed to a thickness quite flexible; these may be 
sent with a neatly engraved note or alone. 

The presents may be anything made of wood, 
even a house and furniture. Everything is in order 
but wooden nutmegs; they are ruled out. 



WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. 189 

TIN WEDDING. 

The tin wedding is the tenth anniversary. Cards 
covered with tin foil serve the purpose; or engraved 
note paper with tin card inclosed. 

Presents should be of tin; any useful article. We 
recall one from the father-in-law, a pocket book lab- 
eled tin, containing a check for $500. 

CRYSTAL WEDDING. 

The crystal wedding is next in order, and is cele- 
brated at the end of fifteen years. Cards are usually 
issued on isinglass; transparent paper will serve the 
purpose. 

CHINA WEDDING. 

This celebration is at the end of twenty years; 
but is rarely, if ever celebrated. It is considered very 
unlucky. The Scotch think ore or the other will 
die within the year if the twentieth anniversary is 
alluded to. 

SILVER WEDDING. 

The silver wedding comes in this country while 
people are in the prime of life, and it is a pleasure to 



190 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

stop mid- way to take an account of one's friends and 
the blessings enjoyed. The cards are printed in silver, 
and the following formula is considered good style: 



-L-&(Z^C--e-4.-C ^C*2- fl,'&£~€Z<l~-CC^-&- -c^f ■t^tx-u^i- o«i^/«»^ -o^z 



This is one form, and is considered good; some 
omit the names, while others go so far as to transcribe 
the marriage notice from the newspaper of the period. 

Gifts of silver need not be very expensive; any 
article in silver will be appropriate, with motto or the 
names of the pair engraved in a true lover's knot. 

GOLDEN WEDDING. 

This is indeed a privilege that few ever enjoy, 
and there is only one word that will satisfy our under- 



WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. 191 

standing. The one word, embracing all words, 
similar in meaning — "Beautiful." 

This invitation is printed in gold on heavy card 
board. The following is one style, reading: 

S84S. S89S. 






A wedding cake is prepared with a ring in it, and 
on the frosting is the date, and the monogram of the 
two, who have lived together so long. 

So many ghosts come to this feast that it is only 
the exceptionally happy and serene people who can 
afford to celebrate a "Golden Wedding." 

DIAMOND WEDDING — SEVENTY-FIVE YEARS. 

It is optional whether or not any anniversary 
includes a renewal of the marriage vows. 



CHAPTER XIIL 




DINING ROOM AND DINNERS. 

HE hostess is happy who can unlock the 
plate-chest and produce some of the old- 
time silver. The pieces are being bur- 
nished up and now re-appearing. Peo- 
ple grew tired of its constant use. But 
to-day silver and silver-gilt dishes are 
re-asserting their fitness for the modern 
dinner table. 



ORNAMENTING. 

Ornaments are high, rather than low (medium); 
high glasses and vases for the flowers. All ornamen- 
tation is looking up, and a favorite and very pretty 
device is a silver vase, with a shell for salt, about two 
inches high. 

DINNERS. 

It is considered an intellectual feast to provide a 
perfect little dinner when one can work with limited 



DINNERS. 193 

means only; yet we know of many simple dinners, 
given by young couples with small means, which 
were more enjoyable than the most elaborate menu. 
People should not be frightened off (it is foolish fear) 
from simple entertainments, because the very rich 
give such luxurious dinners. 

The first thing to be considered is, what is sea- 
sonable; by carefully planning this and by making 
judicious selections, a lady can give a good dinner 
with only a small outlay in money: Always offer 
things in season — do not seek for strawberries in 
March, which are always sour; nor peaches in June, 
nor green peas at Christmas. Forced fruits are never 
good and should not be used. For a simple autumn 
dinner we suggest this menu: 

Roast Beef or Mutton. 

Roast Partridges or Chicken. 

Potatoes. Corn and Beans. 

Salads. Cheese. 

Ices, Jellies, Fruit, Tea and Coffee, 

Claret, Burgundy or Sherry. 

The essentials of a good dinner are few; no wine 
is expected at the table of those whose principles for- 
bid the use of alcoholic beverages; an excellent dinner 
can be served without them. A fresh white linen 



194 



POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 



table-cloth, napkins of equally snowy whiteness, spot- 
less glass and silver, pretty china, and one or two 
high dishes crowned with fruit and flowers— some- 
times only fruit, comfortable chairs, a well-ventilated 
room, and dessert served in good taste, is all that's 
needed. 




A lady should be ready at least a few minutes 
before her guests arrive, and in the parlor, serene and 
cool, "mistress of herself." She should personally 
superintend and see that the dinner-table is properly 
laid, and a place assigned to each of her company. 

Ljttle dinners are social ; little dinners are infor- 
mal; little dinners make people friends. We do not 



DINING ROOM. 195 

mean little dinners in regard to numbers or amount 
of food ; we mean simple dinners. 

For the very rich, who have French cooks, sev- 
eral accomplished servants, a well-stocked china 
closet, plate chest and linen chest, with an abund- 
ance of flowers, no menu will be given, as their 
finances will enable them to offer at dinner any 
luxury they may fancy. 

It is not kind to keep guests more than an hour, 
or two hours at the most, at table. English dinners 
are too long and too heavy, although the conversa- 
tion is apt to be brilliant. At a simple dinner one 
can make it short. 

DINING ROOM. 

It is the custom at informal dinners for the lady 
to help the soup and for the gentleman to carve; 
therefore the important dishes are put on the table. 
But the servants who wait should be taught to have 
side-tables and sideboards so well placed that any- 
thing can be removed immediately after it is finished. 
A screen is a very useful adjunct in a dining-room. 

Inefficient servants have a disagreeable habit of 
running in and out of the dining-room in search of 
something that should have been in readiness; there- 



196 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

fore the lady of the house had better see beforehand 
that French rolls are placed under every napkin, and 
a basket full of them ready in reserve. Also large 
slices of fresh soft bread should be on the side table, 
as every one does not like hard bread, and should be 
offered a choice. 

The powdered sugar, the butter, the caster, the 
olives, the relishes, should all be thought of and 
placed where each can be readily found. 

SERVANTS. 

Servants should be taught to be noiseless, and to 
avoid a hurried manner. In placing anything on or 
taking anything off a table a servant should never 
reach across a person seated at table for that purpose. 
However hurried the servant may be, or however 
near at hand the article, she should be taught to walk 
quietly to the left hand of each guest to remove 
things, while she should pass everything in the same 
manner, giving the guest the option of using his 
right hand with which to help himself. Servants 
should have a silver or plated knife-tray to remove 
the gravy-spoon and carving knife and fork before 
removing the platter. 

All the silver should be thus removed; it makes 
a table much neater. Servants should be taught to 



INVITATIONS TO DINNER. 197 

put a- plate and spoon and fork at every place before 
each course. 

After the meats and before the pie, pudding or 
ices, the table should be carefully cleared of every- 
thing but fruit and flowers — all plates, glasses, salt- 
cellars, knives and forks, and whatever pertains to 
the dinner should be removed, and the table-cloth 
well cleared with brush or crumb-scraper on a tray, 
and then the plates, glasses, spoons and forks laid at 
each place for the dessert. If this is done every day, 
it adds to the common dinner, and trains the waitress 
to her work. 

INVITATIONS TO DINNER. 

Invitations to dinner parties should be sent and 
answered by messenger, except when distance is such 
as to make it inconvenient; in such case to send by 
mail is admissible. Invitations should be issued 
from two to ten days in advance, in the name of the 
gentleman and lady of the house. They should be 
answered without delay, as it is essential that the 
host and hostess should know who are to be their 
guests. 

After the invitation is accepted, the engagement 
should not be lightly broken, for the non-arrival of 



198 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

expected guests produces confusion and cisppoint- 
ment. 

Gentlemen can not be invited without their 
wives, unless it is a dinner given especially for gen- 
tlemen and no ladies are invited. Ladies should not 
be invited without their husbands, when other ladies 
are invited with their husbands. Three out of one 
family are enough to be invited, unless it is a large 
dinner party. 

The paper used for issuing invitations upon, 
should be small note paper, or cards, with envelopes 
to match. 

THE INVITATION. 



)t. (tj (A/hid-, ^zfwitln- A- c&jw,&€zwu> tit €/cyi= 
a €-€a-cJi. 



An answer should be returned at once, so that, if 
you do not accept, the hostess may make necessary 
changes in the arrangements. 



d CCEPTING AND DE C LI MING IN VITA TIONS. 199 



THE ACCEPTANCE. 



e,a,'LiLl& 



V1X, CLCCe-i 



1,'htt.rva, Jilt, a JiLL^. \£CLiL 4- wvu-vtcut'LO-yv 
fo-4, slo-v-e,m,4.e,L 2.1 tfo. 

NOTE DECLINING INVITATION. 

<dli. and ®th>. ifmi4h ieaie4 4hai 4 he illneto oj 4heii 
child (or whatever the cause may be) ileven4± 4hem /lorn 
having 4he fileauile oj acceji4ina &(h. and (din. @ai%$ 
inv'Mion 4o dinnel ^ovemiei 2 ph. 

Or, 

&lii. and efln. S > mv4h ucjie4 exceedinaiu 4hai cw'ina 4o 
(whatever the preventing cause may be) 4heu can no4 have 
4he /ileabMe oj dinina wiih &/L. and ©£tt. $an on Wedneb= 
dau, ($ovemUi 2}4h. 

The cause for declining should always be stated, 
so that there may be no occasion for misunder- 
standing. 



200 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

If it should become necessary to break an engage- 
ment made for dinner, a note must be sent at once to 
the host and hostess, so that they may supply your 
place if possible. 

In cities, the hour selected for a dinner is after 
business hours, or from five to eight o'clock. It may 
be an hour or two earlier in the country or in vil- 
lages. 

SUCCESS OR FAILURE. 

The success of a dinner is readily judged by the 
manner in which conversation has been sustained. 
If a stream of talk has been kept up, it shows that 
the guests have been entertained; but if, on the con- 
trary, the conversation has been dull and flagging, 
it shows that the entertainment has been to a certain 
extent a failure. 

No one should monopolize the conversation, but 
all should take some part. It is due your host and 
hostess that you do all in your power to enjoy your- 
self and assist in entertaining others. 

ENTERING THE DINING-ROOM. 

When dinner is announced, the host offers his 
right arm to the lady he is to escort to the table. 



ENTERING THE DINING-ROOM. 201 

The others follow, arm-in-arm, the hostess being the 
last to leave the drawing-room. Age should take 
precedence in proceeding from the drawing-room to 
the dining-room, the younger falling back until the 
elder have advanced. The host escorts the eldest 
lady or the greatest stranger, or, if there be a bride 
present, precedence is given to her, unless the dinner 
is given for another person, in which case he escorts 
the latter. 

The hostess is escorted either by the greatest 
stranger, or by some gentleman whom she wishes to 
place in the seat of honor, which is at her right. 

The host places, at his right, the lady whom he 
escorts. 

The seats of the host and hostess may be in the 
middle, at opposite sides of the table, or at opposite 
ends Husbands should not escort their wives nor 
brothers their sisters, as this partakes of the nature 
of a family gathering. All guests should stand until 
the hostess is seated. Once seated, the rest is simply 
routine. 

OUR MANNER.- 

Ease of manner of the host and hostess, and 

quiet and systematic movements on the part of 

attendants, are indispensable. The servants com- 
14 



202 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

mence in passing the dishes, one upon the right of 
the host and one upon the right of the hostess. 
Thin soled shoes should be worn by the servants, 
that their steps may be noiseless; and if they use 
napkins in serving, instead of gloves, their hands and 
nails should be faultlessly clean. 

AFTER DESSERT. 

The finger bowls which are brought in on the 
napkin on the dessert plate, and set off to the left of 
the plate, are used by dipping the fingers in lightly 
and drying them on the napkin. They should be half 
full of warm water with a bit of lemon floating in it. 

When all have finished dessert, the hostess gives 
the signal that dinner is ended by pushing back her 
chair, and the ladies repair to the drawing-room, the 
eldest leading, the youngest following last, and the 
gentlemen repairing to the library or smoking-room. 
In about half an hour tea is served in the drawing- 
room, with a cake basket of crackers and little cakes. 
The gentlemen join the ladies, and after a little chat 
over their cups, all are at liberty to leave. 

GENERAL RULES. 

Water should be poured at the right hand; every- 
thing else is served at the left. The hostess should 



GENERAL RULES. 203 

continue eating until all guests have finished. Jellies 
and sauces are helped on the dinner plate, and not on 
side dishes. If there are two dishes of dessert, the 
host may serve the most substantial one. Fruit is 
served after puddings and pies, and coffee last. In 
winter, plates should be made warm before being 
brought to the table 

At a fashionable dinner soup is the first course. 
All should accept it, even if it is a kind that they do 
not like, and know that they will not touch it. It is 
better to make a pretense of eating it, than to compel 
the servants to help you to the second course before 
the rest. Soup should never be called for a second 
time. Take it noiselessly from the side of your 
spoon, and never tilt your soup plate for the last 
spoonful. 

After soup comes fish, which must be eaten with 
a fork in the right hand and a piece of bread in the 
left, unless you are provided with fish knives. If you 
wish, you may decline fish, but it must not be called 
for a second time. 

The side dishes, ^vhich come after the soup and 
fish, must be eaten with the fork. The knife is used 
only for cutting meats and anything too hard for a 
fork. Never convey food to the mouth with the knife. 



204 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE: 

Remove the knife and fork from your plate as 
soon as they are set before you, as the serving of an 
entire course is delayed by neglecting to do so. 

Never be greedy at the table. Do not hesitate 
about taking anything that is passed to you. Never 
take up one piece and lay it down in favor of another. 
Never break a biscuit and leave the piece on the plate, 
for this compels your friend to take a small piece when 
he may wish a whole one. 

Never allow the servant to fill your glass with 
wine that you do not wish to drink. If it is placed by 
your plate without your being asked to accept it, let 
it remain without touching it or saying a word about 
it. Act as though you did not see it. 

Ty some, a dinner party is not regarded as com- 
plete unless wine is served. People should be careful 
as to serving wines at all. You can not know what 
harm you may do your guests by placing wine before 
them. You may create in your friend an appetite 
for strong drink; you may renew a passion long 
controlled. 

EATING. 

Bat cheese with a fork and not with a knife. 
Ask a servant in a low tone for what you want. 



EA TING. 205 

"Eat and drink noiselessly. While masticating 
your food keep the mouth closed. 

Break your bread ; do not cut it. 

Bat fruit with silver knives and forks. 

If you prefer, take up asparagus with the fingers. 
Olives and artichokes are always so eaten. 

If a course is set before you that you do not wish, 
do not touch it. 

Never handle glass or silver near you unneces- 
sarily, and do not play with your food. 

It is not your business to reprove the waiter for 
improper conduct; that belongs to the host. 

A gentleman must help the lady whom he has 
escorted to the table, to all that she wishes; but it is 
improper for him to offer to help other ladies who have 
escorts. 

Remove bones from fish before putting into the 
mouth. If a bone should get into the mouth, cover 
your lips with a napkin and remove it. Cherry stones 
or anything which you do not wish to swallow should 
be removed from the mouth as quietly as possible, and 
placed upon the side of your plate. 

Use a napkin only for your mouth. Never use it 
for your nose, face or forehead. 

Hat pudding with a spoon. 



206 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

Kat pastry with a fork. 

Never indicate that you notice anything un- 
pleasant ill the food. 

Chew the food well, but quietly and slowly. 

Break your bread, when not buttered ; do not bite 
nor cut it. 

Do not break your bread into soup, nor mix with 
gravy. It is bad taste to mix food on the plate. 

Never leave the table before the rest of the family 
or guests, without asking the host or hostess to excuse 
you. 

Kat soup from the side of a spoon, without noise. 

The fork is used to convey the food to the mouth, 
except when a spoon is necessary for liquids. 

Raw oysters are eaten with a fork. 

If you wish to be served with more tea or coffee, 
place your spoon in your saucer. 

Tea or coffee should never be poured into the 
saucer to cool, but sipped from the cup. 

If a dish is passed to you, serve yourself first and 
then pass it on. 

Keep your hand off from the table, and do not 
play with your fingers. 

Fruit should be peeled with a knife, and cut or 
broken. Never bite fruit. 



EATING. 207 

It is very rude to pick your teeth at the table. 
If it becomes necessary to do so, hold your napkin over 
your mouth. 

If you are requested to express a preference for a 
particular portion of a fowl, answer promptly, that no 
time may be lost in waiting upon you. 

A hostess should never apologize for anything on 
her table, neither should she speak with pride in refer- 
ence to any particular dish. She should remain 
silent, and allow her friends to praise her dinner or 
not, as they see fit. Do not urge your guests to eat 
against their wishes. 

The conversation at the table should not be mon- 
opolized by one or two. All conversation should be 
general as far as possible. You may talk in a low 
tone to those near you, if you are at a large dinner 
party. 

Self-possession is demanded on the part of the 
hostess, that she may perforin her duties agreeably. 
She must put all her guests at their ease, and pay 
strict attention to the requirements of all around her. 
She must not be disturbed by an accident nor embar- 
rassed by any disappointment. Should her valuable 
glass or china be broken before her eyes she must take 
no notice of it. 



208 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

The host must be equally self-possessed. His 
temper should be such as can not be easily ruffled. 
He should direct conversation rather than sustain it 
himself. 

The hostess will commit a rudeness to those 
who have arrived punctually, if she awaits dinner 
for tardy guests more than the fifteen minutes which 
custom prescribes. 

Accepting hospitality is a sign of good will, and, 
if guests partake of hospitality only to gossip about 
and abuse their host and hostess, they injure them- 
selves by doing so. 

Whether you accept an invitation to a dinner 
party or not, you should call soon after. 

LUNCHEON. 

The informal lunch is perhaps less understood in 
this country than in any other, because it is rarely 
necessary. In the country it is called early dinner, 
children's dinner, or ladies' dinner; in the city, when 
the gentleman are all down town, then blossoms out 
the elaborate ladies' luncheon. 

It is a very convenient meal, as it permits of an 
irregular number, of a superfluity of ladies; it is chatty 
and easy, and is neither troublesome nor expensive. 



LUNCHEONS. 209 

INFORMAL LUNCHEONS. 

Ladies may come in in their hats or bonnets; 
gentlemen in lawn- tennis suits, if they wish. It is 
incumbent upon the hostess but not upon the host 
to be present. It is quite immaterial where the 
guests sit, and they go in separately, not arm-in- 
arm. 

Either white or colored table-cloths are equally 
proper, and some people use the bare mahogany, 
but this is unusual. 

The most convenient and easy-going luncheons 
are served from the buffet or side-board, and the 
guests help themselves to cold ham, tongue, roast 
beef, etc. The fruit and wine and bread should 
stand on the table. 

Each chair has in front of it two plates, a nap- 
kin with bread, two knives, two forks and spoons, 
a small salt-cellar, and a glass. 

It is proper at a country place to offer a full 
luncheon, or to have a cold joint on the sideboard; 
and after the greater part of the luncheon has been 
removed, the hostess can dismiss the servants, and 
serve the ice-cream or tart herself, with the assistance 
of her guests. Clean plates, knives, and forks should 
be in readiness. 



210 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

OUR CUSTOM. 

In this country one waiter generally remains 
during the whole meal, and serves the table as he 
would at dinner — only with less ceremony. It is 
perfectly proper at luncheon for any one to rise and 
help himself to what he wishes. 

Tea and coffee are never served after luncheon 
in the drawing-room or dining-room. People are not 
expected to remain long after luncheon, as the lady of 
the house may have engagements for the afternoon. 

In more modest houses, where there is only a 
maid-servant or one man, all arrangements for the 
luncheon and for expected guests should be made 
immediately after breakfast. 

If the children dine with the family at luncheon, 
it, of course, becomes an important meal, and should 
include one hot dish and a simple dessert. 

It is well for people living in the country, and 
with a certain degree of style, to study up the methods 
of making salads and cold dishes, for these come in 
so admirably for luncheon that they often save a 
hostess great mortification. By attention to small 
details a very humble repast may be most elegant. 

A bread-basket for the thin slices of bread, a 
pretty cheese-dish, a napkin around the cheese, pats 




INDIVIDUAL. 



OUR CUSTOM. 211 

of butter in a pretty dish, flowers in vases, fruits neat- 
ly served — these things cost little, but they add much 
to the pleasure of the table. 

If a hot luncheon is served, it is not etiquette to 
put the vegetables on the table as at dinner; they 
should be handed by the waiter. The luncheon-table 
is already full of the articles for dessert, and there is 
no place for vegetables. The hot entrees or cold 
entrees are placed before the master or mistress, and 
each guest is asked what he prefers. The whole 
aspect of luncheon is thus made informal. 

Table mats are no longer used in stylish houses, 
either at luncheon or at dinner. The waiter should 
have a coarse towel in the butler's pantry, and wipe 
each dish before he puts it on the table. 

Menu-cards are never used at luncheon. Salt- 
cellars and small water carafes may be placed up and 
down the luncheon table. 

In our country, where servants run away and 
leave their mistress when she is expecting guests, it 
is well to be able to improvise a dish from such mate- 
rials as may be at hand. 

Every country housewife should learn to garnish 
dishes with capers, a border of water-cresses, -olain 
parsley, or vegetables cut into fancy forms. 



212 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

Potatoes, eggs, and cold hashed meats, in their 
unadorned simplicity, do not come under the head of 
luxuries. But if the hashed meat is carefully warmed 
and well flavored, and put on toast, if the potatoes 
are chopped and browned and put around the meat, if 
the eggs are boiled, sliced, and laid around as a gar- 
nish, and a few capers and a border of parsley added, 
you have a delicious lunch. 

SUPPER. 

Beef, except in the form of a fillet, is never seen 
at a ' 'sit down' ' supper, and even a fillet is rather too 
heavy. Lobster in every form is a favorite supper 
delicacy, and the grouse, snipe, woodcock, teal, can- 
vas-back, and squab on toast, are always in order. 

In these days of Italian warehouses and imported 
delicacies, the pressed and jellied meats, pates, sau- 
sages, and spiced tongue furnish a variety for a cold 
supper. No supper is perfect without a salad. 

FORK AND SPOON. 

The fork should not be overloaded ; to take meat 
and vegetables and pack them on the poor fork, as if 
it were a beast of burden, is a common American vul- 
garity, born of our hurried way of eating at railway- 



FORK AND SPOON. 213 

stations and hotels. But it is an unhealthy and 
ill-mannered habit. To take but little on the fork at 
a time, a moderate mouthful, shows good manners 
and refinement. The knife must never be put into 
the mouth at any time— that is a remnant of barbar- 
ism. "Should cheese be eaten with a fork?" We 
say decidedly, "Yes," although good authorities de- 
clare that it may be put on a morsel of bread with a 
knife, and thus conveyed to the mouth. Of course 
we refer to the soft cheeses. Of the hard cheeses one 
may convey a morsel to the mouth with the thumb 
and forefinger, but, as a general rule, it is better to 
use the fork. 

Now to the spoon: it is to be used for soup, for 
strawberries and cream, for all stewed fruits and pre- 
serves, and for melons, which, from their juiciness, 
cannot be conveniently eaten with a fork. Peaches 
and cream, all the "wet dishes," as Mrs. Prim was 
wont to call them, must be eaten with a spoon. Ro= 
man punch is always eaten with a spoon. 

On elegant tables, each plate or "cover" is ac- 
companied by two large silver knives, a small silver 
knife and fork for fish, a small fork for the oysters on 
half-shell, a large table-spoon for soup, and three large 
forks. The napkin is folded in the centre, with a 



214 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE, 

piece of bread in it. As the dinner progresses, the 
knife and fork and spoon which have been used are 
taken away with the plate. This saves confusion, and 
the servant has not to bring fresh knives and forks all 
the time. Fish should be eaten with knife and fork; 
for if it is full of bones, like shad, for instance, it 
is very difficult to manage it without the aid of a 
knife. 

A majority of the made dishes in which the 
French excel are to be eaten with the fork. 

Pears and apples should be peeled with a silver 
knife, cut into quarters, and then picked up with the 
fingers. Oranges should be peeled, and cut or sepa- 
rated, as the eater chooses. Grapes should be eaten 
from behind the half-closed hand, the stones and skin 
falling into the fingers unobserved, and thence to the 
plate. Never swallow the stones of small fruits; it is 
extremely dangerous. The pineapple is almost the 
only fruit which requires both knife and fork. 

A knife and fork are both used in eating salad, if 
it is not cut up before serving. A large lettuce leaf 
cannot be easily managed without a knife, and of 
course the fork must be used to carry it to the mouth. 
Thus, as bread, butter, and cheese are served with 
the salad, the salad knife and fork are really essential. 



NAPKINS. 215 

The knives and forks are placed on each, side of 
the plate, ready for use. 

For the coffee after dinner a very small spoon is 
served, as a large one would be out of place in the 
small cups that are used. Indeed, the variety of forks 
and spoons now in use on a well-furnished table is 
astonishing. 

NAPKINS. 

Never fasten your napkin around your neck; lay 
it across your knees, convenient to the hand, and lift 
one corner only to wipe the mouth. Men who wear 
a mustache are permitted to "saw" the mouth with 
the napkin, as if it were a bearing-rein, but for ladies 
this would look too masculine. 

'5 




CHAPTER XIV. 




ETIQUETTE OF RIDING AND 
DRIVING 

RIDE on horse-back is, by many, con- 
sidered the most fascinating, delight- 
ful and beneficial exercise of all the 
open-air sports. This is truly an 
accomplishment; and no young lady 
should fail to master it. It is equally 
proper for young ladies as for young 
gentleman, and the old as well as the 
young can and do enjoy it! Then why not continue 
in practice that which is acknowledged to be so 
healthful, graceful and pleasing? 

Practice the art of riding well before you appear 
in public; learn to properly hold the reins and be at 
ease; consult some friend that will take the time and 
not consider it a task to teach you this art, or apply 
to some one who makes it a study, and for a very 
small sum you can become an expert in riding on 
horse-back. The first lesson is, keep the body erect 



A PROPER MOUNT- 217 

and the head up; hold the reins in one hand and keep 
the hand directly over the horn of the saddle, with 
the elbow close to your side; keep the other arm close 
to your side and allow it to hang gracefully. 

DUTY OF AN ESCORT. 

When a gentleman has made an engagement to 
go riding with a lady he should not keep her waiting 
clad in her riding costume, and should be very care- 
ful in selecting the horse she is to ride, and if possible 
secure one easily managed, He should leave nothing 
to the stable men, but personally examine the saddle 
and bridle to see that everything is secure and in its 
place. 

Before he mounts, he must see that the lady is 
comfortably seated in her saddle. He should take his 
position on the right of the lady, open all gates, and 
be constantly on the alert that nothing frightens the 
horse the lady is riding; every attention possible 
should be given her. 

A PROPER MOUNT. 

Stand on the left side of the horse as close to it 
as possible, place one hand on the saddle, the other 
cm the gentleman's shoulder, as he stoops for the pur- 



218 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

pose, and the left foot in his hand, and, by a slight 
spring she will be nicely seated. He will then adjust 
the foot to the stirrup, neatly fold her riding habit, 
and give her the reins and whip. 

TO DISMOUNT. 

The gentleman must assist the lady to dismount 
after the ride; she should first free her knee from the 




THE RIDE ON HORSEBACK. 

pommel, and then disengage her habit. He will then 
offer his right hand, which she takes with her left, 
and by using the gentleman' s left hand for a step she 
reaches the ground in a gentle dignified manner. A 
lady should not attempt to spring from the saddle, as 
it is very dangerous. 



DRIVING. 219 

EQUESTRIAN ETIQUETTE. 

It is the duty of the gentleman to offer all the 
courtesies, and yield the shady and best side to the 
ladies. The lady must decide the pace she most 
enjoys, and it is unkind to urge her horse to a more 
rapid gate than she desires. 

If when riding a gentleman meets a lady who 
is walking, he must dismount and remain on foot 
while talking to her. In riding always observe the 
custom of the road; it is correct to pass to the right 
and overtake to the left, and always remember that 
the foot passengers have the right of way under all 
circumstances. Ladies should never ride alone in 
cities, if they have no male escort they should use 
the most secluded routes in reaching the parks, 

DRIVING. 

If a lady accepts an invitation to go driving 
with a gentleman, she should be prompt and not 
keep the carriage waiting; it is neither well-bred 
nor dignified to keep any one waiting who has made 
an appointment conducive to your pleasure, In a 
double carriage the seat facing the horses is con- 
sidered the best, and gentlemen should always yield 
it to the ladies. The right hand seat facing the 



•220 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE.. 

horses is the place of honor, and belongs to the 
hostess, which she never resigns. A lady who is 
invited to drive with a gentleman cannot request a 
lady friend to accompany them. 

In assisting a lady to enter a carriage the gentle- 
man will see that her dress is protected from the 
wheel. In assisting a lady to alight from a carriage a 
gentleman must furnish the lady the required assist- 
ance. Never interfere with the driver, resign your- 
self to his control and be calm and self-possessed. 

PROPER DRESS FOR DRIVING, 

Of course, women can dress as they please, but if 
they please to dress in a conspicuous manner they must 
take the consequences. A few years ago no lady 
would venture into the street unless her shoulders 
were properly covered. The nineteenth century 
beauty will mount a couch in slight and gaudy attire 
and then wonder why the men make remarks; such 
customs invite the gaze, and truly modest ladies dress 
only in quiet attire. We might add, that by over- 
dressing women deprive themselves of the advantage 
of contrast in style; lace in particular is for the house 
and not for riding. American ladies as a rule dress 
plainly ; it is much better taste and prevents comment 
from men in the street. 



CHAPTER XV. 




GAMES AND AMUSEMENTS. 

AMES, sports and amusements are a 
very important part of social life, 
and proper conduct is as necessary 
in these as in the parlor or dining- 
room. No book treating on "Polite 
Life" would be complete without 
rules to guide the deportment of 
ladies and gentlemen in this all-important part of 
social etiquette. 

The same fundamental principles of politeness, 
unselfishness and regard for others, should here as 
elsewhere govern our every act, yet the formality of 
etiquette should in a degree be relaxed and all engage 
in games and sports with perfect freedom and ease. 
No rule of propriety should so restrain our acts that 
one seems awkward and faltering in speech. Cheer- 
fulness and mirth should enter into all games; and it 
is expected that all take part in the gayety without 
restraint. 



222 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE-. 

Instructions and rules governing each game 
usually accompany the implements used, so we shall 
not attempt to give them here, but simply describe 
some of the more popular and common amusements 
and make suggestions as to what is proper. 

CHESS. 

The game of chess is considered the most intel- 
lectual and, well called, the king's game. To prac- 
tical players it affords much amusement and sometimes 
intense excitement, and is the most profitable of all 
in-door sports. It requires much thought, and it is 
improper for either player to make a disturbing noise. 

In playing with a lady the gentleman should first 
arrange her pieces and then place his own. He is not 
required to give her any advantages that the rules of 
the game do not accord an opponent. It is improper 
to whistle, drum with the fingers, or keep time with 
the feet; and the game should be as nearly as possible 
conducted in silence. 

The game is one of judgment and skill, and no 
impatience by either contestant should be shown; so 
long as you play strictly according to the rules, it is 
the right of the player to study his moves. The 
victor should play again if requested to do so. 



AR CHER Y AND B OA TING. 223 

ARCHERY. 

This very beneficial and healthful exercise, has 
almost entirely disappeared from the list of field 
sports, and we mention it only hoping it will be re- 
vived; for certainly the young ladies can find nothing 
so amusing and refined. The costume may be more 
brilliant than the walking dress, and should be made 
short enough for convenience in movement, and to 
give free and easy movements to the arms. 

BOATING. 

Where there is water sufficient, boating is a re- 
creation both enjoyable and profitable. Sailing is 
attended with considerable danger, and gentlemen 
should not invite ladies to accompany them on the 
water unless they are thoroughly capable of managing 
the boat. This requires tact and experience. 

Rowing is a delightful and healthful exercise, 
and many ladies become experts at the art. Every 
gentleman (and lady too) should know how to row, as 
the knowledge is easily acquired, it is polite to offer a 
friend the ' 'stroke' ' oar, as it is considered the post of 
honor. 



224 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

LAWN TENNIS. 

This is a favorite game in this country and 
Europe, and one of the most ancient; the Greeks and 
Romans played it many years ago, and ever since with 
varying intermissions it has been quite popular. 

It is a game for both sexes, with equal chances of 
the ladies carrying off the honor. It affords ladies a 
training in graceful movements, and the exercise is 
not exhausting. The court is twenty- seven by 
seventy-eight feet; the net is four feet high and twenty- 
seven feet long which divides the court, a soft rubber 
ball is used together with a bat or "racket." The 
rules of play will be found with each set. 

OUTINGS. 

Ladies and gentlemen never forget to be polite, 
but usually at picnics forms and ceremonies are put 
aside; and men and women seek only pleasure, that 
the cares of business and restraint of formal society 
may be forgotten. The ladies should provide the 
luncheon and invent whatever they can to make the 
dinner enjoyable. The gentlemen on these occasions 
are not only the guides and escorts, but servants as 
well ; and they should perform any service that may 




OUTING. 



CARD rLAYlXG, 225 

be requested. It is the gentlemen's duty to provide 
conveyances, music, etc., that the festivities may be 
enjoyed and the day one of pleasure. 

CARD PLAYING. 

Never urge any one who seems unwilling to play 
cards. They may have conscientious scruples in the 
matter, and they should be respected. If you do not 
understand the game being played, it is proper to re- 
fuse, but if you know how and have no scruples 
you should play, especially if you are needed to 
make up the game. 

The host or hostess should suggest cards, it is 
bad taste for guests to call for them; no person 
should intentionally delay the game, and it is not 
good manners to finger the cards while they are 
being dealt out. Betting at cards has only one 
term, "gambling," and should be scrupulously 
avoided. 




CHAPTER XVI. 




PRECIOUS STONES. 

ANY interesting and curious things 
might be written concerning precious 
stones. Romance and imagination 
have ascribed to the various stones 
so many meanings, that it will be 
worth recording some of the most im- 
portant. For instance, some people 
are very careful in selecting stones for presents; fear- 
ing the health, life, and happiness of the donee might 
be injured. The following is offered for each month 
in the year. 

January. The Garnet, signifying constancy and 
fidelity. 

February. Amethyst, meaning sincerity. 
March. Bloodstone, denoting courage. 
April. Sapphire, repentance. 
May. Emerald, success in love affairs. 
June. Agate, health and long life. Deriving its 
name from the river Achates, in Sicily, where it is 
found. 




PE.ARL,. 



PRECIOUS STONES. 



227 



July. Ruby, forgetfulness. 

August. Sardonyx, conjugal fidelity. 

September. Chrysolite, freedom from all evil 
and sadness of the mind. 

October. Opal, hope and faith. 

November. Topaz, fidelity and friendship. Be- 
ing so named for the island (Topazos) in the Red Sea, 
where found, by some authorities from the Greek 
topazion. 

December. Turquoise, prosperity. 

Diamond — Is innocence. 

Pearl — Is purity. 

Cornelian — Means contentment. 

Moonstone — Protects one from danger. 

Jet — A variety of coal of an intense velvety- 
black color used for ornaments — Gagas, a river in 
L,ycia. 





CHAPTER XVII. 

LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 

'HE most natural way of conveying 
thought, is by speaking, seeing and 
hearing, yet we give expression in a 
comprehensive way by other means and 
through other channels. 

Language, in the generally accepted 
term, is a means of communicating our 
thought, and if we make our meaning plain it is 
immaterial what method we employ. 

What can be more pleasing to the senses than 
beautiful flowers? Their form, their great variety, 
and sharp contrast of color, combined with delicious 
fragrance, make them the most attractive of all 
nature's productions to old and young, rich and poor. 
In health it is our delight to pluck and admire 
them, while nothing can be more cheerful or welcome 
to the invalid and sick; if weary in body and mind, or 
indulging in leisure and luxury, the sweet, fragrant 
flower is our chosen companion. 



LANG UA GE OF FL WERS. 22© 

It is just and right that flowers are made to 
express sentiments of love or serve as tributes of 
affection, and premiums of honor, valor and fame. 

The following is the language of flowers arranged 
in alphabetical order: 

Acacia. Concealed love% 

Acacia, Rose. Friendship. 

Acanthus. Arts. 

Adonis Vernalis. Bitter memories. 

Agnus Castus. Coldness. 

Agrimony. Thankfulness. 

Almond. Hope. 

Aloe. Superstition. 

Althea. Consumed by love. 

Alyssum, Sweet. Worth beyond beauty. 

Amaranth. Immortality. 

Amaryllis. Splendid beauty. 

Ambrosia. Love returned. 

Anemone. Expectation. 

Anemone. Garden. Forsaken. 

Angelica. Inspiration. 

Apple. Temptation. 

Apple Blossom. Preference. 

Arbor Vitae. Unchanging friendship. 

Arbutus, Trailing. Welcome. 

16 



230 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

Arnui. Ardor. 

Ash. Grandeur. 

Ash, Mountain, Prudence. 

Aspen Tree. Lamentation. 

Asphodel. Regrets beyond the grave. 

Aurilica. Avarice. 

Azalea. Romance. 

Bachelor's Button. Hope in love. 

Balm. Sympathy. 

Balm of Gilead. Healing. 

Balsam. Impatience. 

Barberry. Sharpness; satire. 

Basil. Hatred. 

Bay Leaf. No change till death. 

Beech. Prosperity. 

Bee Ophrys. Error. 

Bee Orchis. Industry. 

Bell Flower. Gratitude. 

Belvidere, Wild (Licorice). I declare against 

you. 
Bilberry. Treachery. 
Birch Tree. Meekness. 
Black Bryony. Be my support. 
Bladder-Nut Tree. Frivolous amusements. 
Blue Bottle. Delicacy. 



LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 231 

Borage. Bluntness. 

Box. Constancy. 

Briers. Envy. 

Broken Straw Constancy. 

Broom. Neatness. 

Buckbran. Calm repose. 

Bugloss. Falsehood. 

Burdock. Importunity. 

Buttercup. Riches. 

Cactus. Thou lovest me. 

Calla Lily. Feminine beauty. 

Calycanthus. Benevolence. 

Camelia. Pity. 

Camomile. Energy in action. 

Candytuft . Indifference. 

Canterbury Bell . Gratitude. 

Cape Jasmine (Gardenia). Transport; ecstasy. 

Cardinal Flower. Distinction. 

Carnation, Yellow. Disdain. 

Catchfly (Silene), Red. Youthful love. 

Catchfly, White. I fall a victim. 

Cedar. I live for thee. 

Cedar of Lebanon. Incorruptible. 

Celandine. Future joy. 

Cherry Tree, Good education. 



232 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

Chickweed. I cling to thee. 

Chickory. Frugality. 

China Aster. I will think of thee. 

China Pink. Aversion. 

Chrysanthemum, Rose. In love. 

Chrysanthemum, White. Truth. 

Chrysanthemum, Yellow. Slighted love. 

Cinquefoil. Beloved child. 

Clematis. Artifice. 

Clover, Red. Industry. 

Cobcea. Gossip. 

Coxcomb. Foppery. 

Colchicum. My best days fled. 

Coltsfoot. Justice shall be done you. 

Columbine. Folly. 

Columbine, Purple. Resolved to win. 

Columbine, Red. Anxious. 

Convolvulus Major. Dead hope. 

Convolvulus Minor. Uncertainty. 

Corchorus. Impatience of happiness. 

Coreopsis. Love at first sight 

Coriander. Hidden merit. 

Corn. Riches. 

Cornelian Cherry Tree. Durability. 

Coronilla. Success to you. 




2^wi»aftt*^ 



5) LOS30MS, bright blossoms, 
Rosy, gold, and white ; 
Blossoms, sweet blossoms. 
Feasting sense and sight ; 
Grown in. mder'd gardens gay. 
Springing up beside the way~- 
Roses for the beauty's breast ; 
Buttercups for children blest ; 
Oh, a darker life were ours 
Had the earth no gentle flow'rs | 

Blossoros, bright blossoms, 
White, and only white ; 

Blossoms, sweet blossoms, 
Breathing pure delight ; 
Beautiful in regal halls, 
Just as fair in cottage walls — 
P^ace and hope, and truth nnd love» 
Wildings from the bow rs above ; 
Oh, a" weary world were oure 
Had the heart no gentie flowrs 1 



LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS, 233 

Cowslip. Pensiveness. 

Cowslip, American. My divinity. 

Crocus. Cheerfulness. 

Crown Imperial. Majesty. 

Currants. You please me. 

Cypress. Mourning. 

Cypress and Marigold. Despair. 

Daffodil. Chivalry. 

Dahlia, Forever thine. 

Daisy, Garden. I share your feelings. 

Daisy, Michaelmas. Farewell. 

Daisy, Red. Beauty unknown to possessor. 

Daisy, White. Innocence. 

Daisy, Wild. I will think of it. 

Dandelion. Coquetry. 

Daphne Mezereon. I desire to please. 

Daphne Odora. I would not have you other- 
wise. 

Dead Leaves. Sadness. 

Diosma. Usefulness. 

Dittany. Birth. 

Dock. Patience. 

Dodder. Meanness. 

Dogwood Flowering (Cornus). Am I indiffer- 
ent to you ? 



, 



234 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

Ebony. Hypocrisy. 

Eglantine. I wound to heal. 

Elder. Compassion. 

Elm. Dignity. 

Endine. Frugality. 

Epignea, Repeus (May Flower). Budding 

beauty. 
Eupatorium. Delay. 
Evening Primrose. Inconstancy. 
Evergreen. Poverty. 
Everlasting ( Graphalium ). Never-ceasing 

memory. 
Filbert. * Reconciliation. 
Fir Tree. Elevation. 
Flax I feel your kindness. 
Flora Bell. Without pretension. 
Flowering Reed. Confide in heaven. 
Forget-me-not. True love. 
Foxglove. Insincerity. 
Fraxinella. Fire. 

Frittillaria (Guinea-hen Flower). Persecution. 
Furze. Anger. 
Fuchsia. The ambition of my love thus 

plagues itself. 
Fu«©hsia, Scarlet. Taste, 



LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 235 

Gardenia. Transport; ecstacy. 

Gentian, Fringed. Intrinsic worth. 

Geranium, Apple. Present preference. 

Geranium, Ivy. Your hand for next dance. 

Geranium, nutmeg. I expect a meeting. 

Geranium, Oak. Lady, deign to smile. 

Geranium, Rose. Preference. 

Geranium, Silver Leaf. Recall. 

Gladiolus. Ready armed. 

Golden Rod. Encouragement. 

Gooseberry. Anticipation. 

Goosefoot. Goodness. 

Grape. Charity. 

Grass. Utility. 

Guelder Rose (Snowball). Writer. 

Harebell. Grief. 

Hawthorn. Hope. 

Heart's Ease. Think of me. 

Heart's Ease, Purple. You occupy my thoughts 

Hazel. Reconciliation. 

Helenium. Tears. 

Heliotrope, Peruvian. I love; devotion 

Hellebore. Scandal. 

Henbane. Blemish. 

Hepatica. Confidence. 



236 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE 

Hibiscus. Delicate beauty. 
Holly. Foresight. 
Hollyhock. Fruitfulness. 
Hollyhock, White. Female ambition. 
Honesty (IyUnaria). Sincerity. 
Honeysuckle. The bond of love. 
Honeysuckle, Coral. The color of my fate. 
Honeysuckle, Monthly. I will not answer 

hastily. 
Hop. Injustice. 
Hornbeam. Ornament. 
Horse-chestnut. L,uxury. 
House-leck. Domestic economy. 
Houstonia. Content. 
Hoya (Wax Plant). Sculpture. 
Hyacinth. Jealousy. 
Hyacinth, Blue. Constancy. 
Hyacinth, Purple. Sorrow. 
Hydrangea. Heartlessness. 
Ice Plant. Your looks freeze me. 
Indian Cress. Resignation. 
Iris. Message. 
Iris, German. Flame. 
Ivy. Friendship; matrimony. 
Jessamine, Cape. Transient joy. 



LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 237 

Jessamine, White. Amiability. 

Jessamine, Yellow. Grace; elegance. 

Jonquil. Return my affection. 

Judas Tree. Betrayed. 

Juniper, Perfect loveliness. 

Kalamia, (Mountain Laurel). Treachery. 

Kenuedia. Intellectual beauty. 

Laburnum. Pensive beauty. 

Lady's Slipper. Capricious beauty. 

Lagerstroema, (Cape Myrtle). Eloquence. 

Lautana. Rigor. 

Larch. Boldness. 

Larkspur. Fickleness. 

Laurel. Glory. * 

Laurestine. I die of neglect. 

Lavender. Distrust. 

Lemon Blossom. Discretion. 

Lettuce. Cold hearted. 

Lilac. First emotion of love. 

Lilac, White. Youth. 

Lily. Purity; modesty. 

Lily of the Valley. Return of happiness. 

Lily, Day. Coquetry. 

Lily, Water. Eloquence. 

Lily, Yellow. Falsehood. 



238 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE., 

Linden Tree. Conjugal love. 

Live Oak. Liberty. 

Liverwort. Confidence. 

Locust. Affection beyond the grave. 

London Pride. Frivolity. 

Lotus. Forgetful of the past. 

Love in a Mist. You puzzle me. 

Love Lies Bleeding. Hopeless, not heartless. 

Lucerne. Life. 

Lungwort (Pulmonaria). Thou art my life. 

Lupin. Imagination. 

Lychnis. Religious enthusiasm. 

Lythrum. Pretension. 

Madder. Calumny. 

Maiden's Hair. Discretion. 

Magnolia, Chinese. Love of nature. 

Magnolia, Grandiflora. Peerless and proud. 

Magnolia, Swamp. Perseverence. 

Mallow. Sweetness. 

Mandrake. Honor. 

Maple. Reserve. 

Marigold. Cruelty. 

Marigold, African. Vulgar minded. 

Marigold, French. Jealousy. 

Marjoram. Blushes. 



LAN ^UAGE OF FL O WERS. 239 

Marshmallow. Beneficence. 

Marvel of Peru (Four o'clock). Timidity. 

Meadow Saffron. My best day's gone. 

Meadow Sweet. Usefulness. 

Mignonette. Your qualities surpass your 
charms. 

Mimosa. Sensitiveness. 

Mint. Virtue. 

Mistletoe. I surmount all difficulties. 

Mock Orange (Syringa). Counterfeit. 

Monkshood. A deadly foe is near. 

Moonwort. Forgetfulness. 

Morning Glory. Coquetry. 

Moss. Material love. 

Motherwort. Secret love. 

Mourning Bride (Scabious). Unfortunate at- 
tachment. 

Mouse-ear Chickweed. Simplicity. 

Mulberry, Black. I will not survive you. 

Mulberry, White. Wisdom. 

Mullein. Good nature. 

Mushroom. Suspicion. 

Mush Plant. Weakness. 

Mustard Seed. Indifference. 

Myosotis. Forget me not. 



240 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

Myrtle. Love. 

Narcissus. Egotism. 

Nasturtium. Patriotism. 

Nettle. Cruelty; slander. 

Night Blooming Cereus. Transient Beauty. 

Nightshade. Bitter truth. 

Oak. Hospitality. 

Oats. Music. 

Oleander. Beware. 

Orange. Generosity. 

Orange Flower. Chastity. 

Orchis. Beauty. 

Osier. Frankness. 

Osmunda. Dreams. 

Pansy. Think of me. 

Parsley. Entertainment. 

Pasque Flower. Unpretentious. 

Passion Flower. Religious fervor. 

Pea. Appointed meeting. 

Pea, Everlasting. Wilt go with me ? 

Pea, Sweet. Departure. 

Peach Blossom. My heart is thine. 

Pear Tree. Affection. 

Peony, Anger. 

Pennyroyal. Flee away. 




LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 



LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 241 

Periwinkle. Sweet memories. 

Persimmon. Bury me amid nature's beauties. 

Petunia. Am not proud. 

Phlox. Our souls united. 

Pimpernel. Change. 

Pine. Time. 

Pineapple. You are perfect. 

Pine, Spruce. Farewell. 

Pink. Pure affection. 

Pink, Clove. Dignity. 

Pink, Double-red. Pure, ardent love. 

Pink, Indian, Aversion. 

Pink, Mountain. You are aspiring. 

Pink, Variegated. Refusal. 

Pink, White. You are fair. 

Pink, Yellow. Disdain. 

Plum Tree. Keep Promise. 

Plum Tree, Wild. Independence. 

Poplar, Black. Courage. 

Poplar, White. Time. 

Poppy. Consolation. 

Poppy, White. Sleep of the heart. 

Pomegranate. Foolishness. 

Potato. Beneficence. 

Primrose. Karly youth. 



242 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

Primrose, Evening. Inconstancy. 

Pumpkin. Coarseness. 

Quince. Temptation. 

Reeds. Music. 

Rose. Beauty, 

Rose, Barolina. Love is dangerous. 

Rose, Bridal. Happy love. 

Rose, Cabbage. Love's embassador. 

Rose, China. Grace. 

Rose, Damask. Freshness. 

Rose, Hundred Leaf. Pride. 

Rose, Maiden's Blush. If you do love me you 

will find me out. 
Rose, Moss. Superior merit. 
Rose, Multiflora. Grace. 
Rose, Musk-cluster. Charming. 
Rose, Sweetbriar. Sympathy. 
Rose, Tea. Always lovely. 
Rose, Unique. Call me not beautiful. 
Rose, White. I am worthy of you. 
Rose, White (withered). Transient impression. 
Rose, Wild. Simplicity. 
Rose, Yellow. Decrease of love. 
Roses, Garland of. Reward of virtue. 
Rosebud. Young girl. 



LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 243 

Rosebud, Moss. Confessed love. 

Rosebud, White. The heart that knows not 

love. 
Rosemary. Your presence revives me. 
Rue. Disdain. 
Rush. Docility. 
Saffron. Excess is dangerous 
Sage. Esteem. 

Satinnower (Xunaria). Sincerity. 
Scabious, Mourning Bride. Widowhood. 
Sensitive Plant. Timidity. 
Service Tree. Prudence. 
Snowball. Thoughts of heaven. 
Snowdrop. Consolation 
Sorrel. Wit ill timed. 
Spearmint. Warm feelings. 
Star of Bethlehem. Reconciliation. 
Starwort, American. Welcome to a stranger. 
St. John's Wort (Hypericum). Superstition. 
Stock, Ten- week. Promptitude. 
Stramonium, Common. Disguise. 
Strawberry. Perfect excellence. 
Strawberry Tree (Arbutis). Esteemed love. 
Sumac. Splendor. 
Sunflower, Tall. Pride. 
17 



244 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

Sunflower, Dwarf. Your devout admirer. 

Sweet Sultan. Felicity. 

Sweet William. Artifice. 

Sycamore. Curiosity. 

Syringa. Memory. 

Tansy. I declare against you. 

Teasel. Misanthropy. 

Thistle. Austerity. 

Thorn Apple. Deceitful charms. 

Thorn, Black Difficulty. 

Thorns. Severity. 

Thrift. Sympathy. 

Thyme. Activity. 

Tiger Flower. May pride befriend thee. 

Touch-me-not, Balsam. Impatience. 

Trumpet Flower. Separation. 

Tuberose. Dangerous pleasures. 

Tulip. Declaration of love. 

Tulip Tree. Rural Happiness. 

Tulip, Variegated. Beautiful eyes. 

Tulip, Yellow. Hopeless love. 

Turnip. Charity. 

Valerian. Accommodating disposition. 

Venus' Flytrap. Caught at last. 

Venus' Looking- Glass. Flattery. 



LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS, 245 

" Verbena. Sensibility, 
Vine. Intoxicating. 
Violet, Blue Love. 
Violet, White. Modesty. 
Violet, Yellow. Modest worth. 
Virgin's Bower. Filial love. 
Wall Flower. Fidelity. 
Walnut. Stratagem. 
Weeping Willow. Forsaken. 
Wheat. Prosperity. 
Woodbine. Fraternal love. 
Wood Sorrel. Joy. 
Wormwood. Absence. 
Yarrow. Cure for heartache. 
Yew. Sorrow. 
Zennse. Absent friends. 

In closing this chapter, we advise ladies going 
into the country to provide little "Dame Trot" 
baskets, as they will be lovely when filled with 
flowers or ferns. Flowers may be arranged in the 
most varied and whimsical fancies, although many 
times a most gorgeous effect is produced by massing 
a single color or species. 

All attempts to prevent floral tributes at funerals 
fail, and on nearly all these sad occasions we see new 



246 



POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 



and poetic ideas expressed by floral emblems. One of 
the most beautiful designs is the "Gates Ajar, " the 
"Gates" paneled with lilies and surmounted by 
doves, holding sprays of passion-vine in their beaks. 
Flowers express our thoughts in silence. 




CHAPTER XVIII. 




POLITE LIFE'S RULES FOR WRITING 
LETTERS. 

PlSTOLARY art is said to be fern- 
imine, and man praises or criticises 
her as the mood possessing him sug- 
gests. There is no question but a man 
writes better letters to a woman than 
he does to his own sex; but it is 
presumed, while writing, he sees the 
sweet, happy face, and imagines he hears the 
throbbing tender heart, and the encouraging words 
which he is ever ready to receive. The sympathetic 
tear is distinctly woman's, and the hours or moments 
spent in perusing letters from mothers, sweethearts 
and wives are the most pleasant of our lives, except 
perhaps the personal interviews. 

Knowing this to be true, it should be one of the 
first duties claiming our attention, to write well; true, 
electric telegraph and cheap postage and postal cards 
all combine to ruin correspondence in the sense so 



248 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

pleasing to our immediate ancestors, but it is always 
pleasant to converse with our friends with pen in 
hand. Fond mothers and lovers are the letter writers 
of this age, almost all other correspondence being 
merely notes. At present no emblazoned crests or 
elaborate monograms or initial letters are used in the 
corner of note paper or stamped on our stationery. 

The frequency and speed with which communi- 
cations now fly across a city or a continent, also, do 
away with the sealing-wax, and this clear red, oval 
fixture of our grandfathers has almost totally disap- 
peared; this elegant, formal and ceremonious way is 
supplanted by what we call more modern style. 
There is one fashion which has never changed, and is 
always in good taste, use good, plain, thick note 
paper, folded square and put in a square envelope; no 
mistake can be made in using this kind of stationery 
in aay part of the world. 

There is, however, no law forbidding the use of 
monograms, some ladies still prefer it, and use the 
style most familiar to their friends; it is a fashion past, 
not of the present. 

Invariably use black ink, no other is in good 
taste; it gives the written characters great distinctness 
and is the only fashionable medium. 



RULES FOR WRITING LETTERS. 249 

The chirograph y is indicative of the writer's 
character, the angular hand is at present the fashion, 
although less legible and no more beautiful than the 
round hand. We shall not attempt to enter into an 
argument of whether or not hand- writing is indicative 
of character, but a person's notes are usually charac- 
teristic, and a neat, flowing, graceful hand, and clean 
sheet of paper, free from blots, are always agreeable to 
the eye. 

Custom demands that we begin all notes in the 
first person, formula: "My dear Mrs. Corry," and close 
with the expressions: "Cordially yours," "Yours with 
much regard," "Very truly yours," etc. The laws 
of etiquette do not permit us to use numerals, as 6, 7, 
8, but demand that we write out six, seven, eight 

No abbreviations are allowed in a letter, as "Sd. 
be glad to see you," you must write it out, "I should 
be glad to see you," can't for "cannot," and the date 
should follow the signing of the name. 

A great and very common mistake existing 
among careless letter-writers is the confusion of the 
first and third persons; a child might write, "Miss 
Gracie Stuart would be happy to come to dinner, but I 
am going elsewhere. ' ' This is, of course, ignorant and 
improper. A note in answer to an invitation should 



250 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

be written in the third person, if the invitation be in 
the third person; no visible hurry, but an elaborate 
and finished ceremony should mark such epistles. We 
suggest the following in accepting an invitation to 
dinner: 

Jilt, a stttd,. ~3ue,o~nsCL<l<£ 
<,rvi£t,£at<L<$-?v o-c Jftt. CLfvct JiLti-. ZJo-vctAwJ-o-tttv co-i. 

"Come with pleasure" was once sent in accepting 
an invitation to dinner, but it is safe to predict that 
in the future the offender's name will not be included 
in the list of invitations. It is impossible to give 
minute directions as to all styles of notes, that is the 
culmination of careful study and training and good 
mental powers. It is a gift to be able to write a 
pretty note; to some it is easy enough, but all should 
strive to master it. Above all things spell correctly; a 
badly spelled word stands out like a blot in a cere- 
monious note. 



LETTER WRITING. 251 

betters and notes should be written on plain 
paper, it is inelegant and unfashionable to use ruled 
paper, and young people should learn to write without 
lines. The square card is much used and is quite 
large enough for the transmission of all a lady need 
write in giving or accepting an invitation. A married 
lady should always be addressed with the prefix of 
her husband's Christian name. 

BEGINNING OF LETTER WRITING. 

There is no evidence of any letter having been 
written in England before the Norman conquest. 
The oldest in the British Museum is one penned by 
Wuldham, Bishop of London, who lived about the 
year 731. 

Paper was then too expensive to be an article of 
general consumption, but with birth of education 
letter-writing gradually became a more wide-spread 
accomplishment. 

When our grandmothers desired to respond to a 
billet-doux they were obliged to take their scissors 
and cut off a scrap from a large sheet of paper, which, 
at that time, was the only form in which it was sold. 

WRITE DIGNIFIED LETTERS. 

Familiarity is to be deprecated at all times, even 
in writing to one's most intimate friends. By com- 



252 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

mon consent, there is a certain dignity to be observed, 
both in the language, matter and style of a letter, that 
should never be departed from. To be a graceful 
correspondent is no mean acquirement at best, and 
only long practice, coupled with a trained intel- 
ligence, can enable the modern writer of letters to 
approach the masters of the art. Those who would 
study this art, at its best, can do no better than read 
the published volume of Thackeray's letters, which, 
since they were given to the world, have achieved for 
their author a fame second only to his novels them- 
selves. 

Letters of introduction should always be left un- 
sealed, out of courtesy to the bearer, who is thus at 
liberty to read them. 

The mode of addressing the person written to, the 
body of the letter, and the phrase which precedes the 
signature of the writer, should be made to correspond, 
so that a uniformity is preserved. 

The writer of notes must carefully discriminate 
between the familiar note and the ceremonious note, 
and should study how to write both. 

PROPER LETTERS. 

Dates and numerical designations, such as the 
number of a house, may be written in Arabic figures, 



LETTER WRITING. 253 

but quantities should be expressed in words, as you 
would say "the eighteenth century, 7 ' rather than "the 
1 8th century," in a carefully written note. 

A married lady should be addressed on the enve- 
lope "Mrs. Harry Johnson," "Mrs. Joel Sanderson," 
to avoid mistake. We should give every man his 
title. Never address General McPherson as Captain 
McPherson. Never omit the Hon. before the names 
of ambassadors, of members of Congress or of the 
Legislature. 

In Europe the plan of addressing letters is the 
business of one clerk in every diplomatic office. It is 
considered of the first importance. In writing to the 
President address your letters to His Excellency. This 
title also holds good in writing to the Governor of a 
State. In addressing the Roman Catholic clergy learn 
their proper titles, as "His Eminence the Arch- 
bishop." A note should be like a salutation, infused 
with respect. It honors alike the writer and the 
recipient. 

Perhaps the hardest letter to write is one of sym- 
pathy. The language of condolence has been always 
quite inadequate. Perhaps the simplest form is the 
best; a kind and prompt letter, saying from the heart 
that your friend's sorrow is your own, is all that one 



254 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

can expect. Avoid the formality of the past. Those 
letters which begin, "Believe me, could I adequately 
express," have gone into that waste basket of the 
past where they had always belonged. 

IMPROPER LETTERS. 

People who write begging letters are always prone 
to say, "Oh, if you knew what it cost me to write 
this letter." One is disposed to say, "Well, who cares 
what it cost? Why did you write it?" The wricing 
of begging letters should be made a penal offense. 
There is nothing so terribly wearing to a busy person 
as this infliction. 

Letter writing should share with all other things 
a careful avoidance of all extravagant epithets. Al- 
ways rather understate than overstate your emotions. 
A profound contempt can be conveyed gently, as "I 
have seen a better bred man than our friend Smith." 

Do not be too profuse of words in writing an 
apology. Such a phrase as "I regret exceedingly to 
have intruded upon you" is far more befitting the 
etiquette of pen and ink and paper than "I am too 
awfully sorry," "I am terribly grieved," "I am in 
despair." 



LETTER HEADINGS, ETC. 255 

HEADING. 

Or residence and date at the bottom. 

{Place of Signature^ 
THE INTRODUCTION. 

The introduction consists of the address and the 
salutation. The address comprises the title and name 
of the person written to, and his directions. In the 
following example: Mr. John J. Mason, 34 High St, 
Albany; Mr. John J. Mason is the title and name, 
and 34 High St., Albany, the directions. This address 
is the same as that which is put upon envelopes, and 
is called the "inside address" to distinguish it from 
the superscription, which is called the "outside ad- 
dress." The name should be written so that it can be 



256 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

read easily, and politeness requires that some title 
should be added to it. As a rule, two titles can not 
be joined to one name; but to this there are two ex- 
ceptions. When addressing a cleryman whose sur-name 
alone is known to us, we may write Rev. Mr. Spears, 
the Mr. being regarded as a substitute for the Christ- 
ian name; or if a married man has a professional or 
literary title prefixed to his name, Mrs. may be used 
before it to denote his wife, as Mrs. Secretary 
Chase. 

The directions must comprise the name of the 
post-office nearest the person addressed, and the state 
in which it is situated. The name of the county is 
necessary if the post-office is in a town not well known. 
If it be in a city, the number of the house, the street, 
the city, and the state should be given. The name of 
the state can be omitted if the post-office be in a large 
city. 

BUSINESS LETTERS. 

In business letters the address should be in full, 
and it ought to be found in every letter, since the 
envelope is liable to be torn or lost, thus preventing 
the communication from reaching the person to whom 
it was written. The salutation is the term of polite- 
ness used to introduce a letter, as Dear Szr y My 



BUSINESS LETTERS. 257 

Dear Friend, My Honored Father. Business letters 
generally begin with Sir, Dear Sir, Messrs. or 
Gentlemen. Never use "gents." for Gentlemen, nor 
"Dr." for Dear. For a letter addressed to a married 
woman or a single woman not young, the proper 
salutation is Madam, Dear Madam, or My Dear 
Madam. In a business letter to a young unmarried 
lady, the address alone is generally used as introduc- 
tion, that the repetition of Miss may be avoided 
The kinds of salutation used depend upon the feel 
ings of the writer and his relation to the person 
addressed. 

The place of the address in business letters and 
in those addressed to persons with whom you have but 
little acquaintance, is at the top of the page; in letters 
to relatives or very intimate friends, the address 
should be written at the bottom. The address should 
be written on the first line below rhe date, and should 
begin at the marginal line that is from one-fourth of 
an inch to one inch from the left edge of the sheet. It 
may occupy from one to three lines. The first line 
should contain only the name and title, the second 
should contain the directions, if the last word is an 
abbreviation or a shon word; but if the last item be a 
long word, it should be on the third line. 



258 POLITE LIFE AND El IQ UE 7 IE. 

INTRODUCTIONS. 

oMeam. %>M 9> Mitld, 

k Wail Sfiitti, 

$m yotL 

Wta% Sfm: 

°lloui jf'avoi, tic. 

®Me&M. <$fud>>on f ifittlt, 

4(j0 fme ifimi, 

(gincinnadi. 

Wtah Sfm : 9Uate tend 6u ntxi mail, tic. 

@Mhm. Q/tlcmhaU ffitld f $&., 

<^damb ifiteti, (ghicacfo, $11. 

^tniltmen : 

(dllitt c diact ifianltu, 

Wt acknowkdm wiili hlemuit iht bcceifii of uoul 
manmciijii. 

A*. $. ®M. gWixon. 

lam ; 



BODY OF THE LETTER. 259 

&iin Wmi Waucjhhi : 

ffince $ loud mode 4o uou f erfc. 

jtudson ^immeiman, §bq. 

Seal ffk : 

BODY OF THE LETTER. 

The body of the letter is that part of the com- 
munication that is between the introduction and 
conclusion. It should begin under the end of the 
salutation; but when the address is long, it may begin 
on the same line, a comma and a dash, or a colon and 
a dash, being placed between the last word of the 
salutation and the first word of the letter. 

A blank margin that varies with the width of the 
paper should always be left on the left hand side of 
each page. The margin should be perfectly even, and 
should never be so wide or so narrow as to go beyond 
the limits of taste. On large letter-paper it should be 
about an inch; on note-paper, about three-eighths of 
an inch. When the sheet is quite small, a quarter of 
an inch is sufficient. A letter should be divided into 
paragraphs according to the rules for other composi- 
tion. The first word of the paragraph should begin 
18 



2G0 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

about one-sixth of the way across the line from left to 
right. 

The penmanship should be legible, neat and 
elegant. Flourishes in a letter are out of place, skip- 
ping pages is not to be commended, crossing letters is 
not entirely respectful to the person addressed, and 
blots and interlineations are not allowable. 

The closing lines of the body of the letter are 
usually some expression of respect or attachment; as 
in the following examples: 

"Accept, madam, the homage of my respect." 

"The sentiments with which you have inspired 
me, sir, are equally sincere and permanent." 

"I have the honor to be, sir, with sentiments of 
respect and consideration." 

The closing lines, such as the preceding, are 
found with the ordinary formula that constitutes the 
conclusion. 

THE CONCLUSION. 

The conclusion consists of a complimentary close, 
and the signature; it also contains the address of the 
person written to, if the same is not found in the 
introduction. 

The complimentary close is the phrase of respect 
used at the end of a letter. It admits of a great variety 




THE UNFINISHED LETTER. 



THE CONCLUSION. 261 

of forms on social letters, such as your friend, ever 
yours, your affectionate father, etc. ; but in letters 
written on business, or to strangers and mere acquaint- 
ances, the usual form is yours truly, or yours respect- 
fully, which admits of but slight variation, as yours 
truly, or truly yours. Official letters have a more 
formal close than others, as : 

I have the honor to be, sir, with the highest 
consideration. 

Your obedient servant, 

O. O. H. 

The signature is the name of the writer, and it 
should be attached to every letter, the name being 
written plainly and in full. If the writer is a lady, 
she should sign her name so as to indicate her sex, 
and whether she is married or single, this can be done 
by prefixing Miss or Mrs. A married lady gene- 
rally uses her husband's name, to which she prefixes 
the title Mrs. if he is living; otherwise, she should 
use her own name. 

The position for the complimentary close is on 
the line immediately below the body of the lettter and 
may occupy from one to three lines. 

The signature is written near the ri<ght-hand edge 
of the sheet, on the line below the complimentary close, 



262 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

The close and the signature must be arranged so 
that the initial letter of the lines will present a regular 
slope downwaid and to the right. 

If the address is not written at the top of the 
letter, it should be placed at the close, the beginning 
of the first word being located at the marginal line 
and on the line immediately below the signature. 

The proper punctuation of the complimentary 
close and the signature can be learned by consulting 
the models which follow: 



y< 



o-Usisd, Le,-LjxesCsCcu, 



S. w. Jo-cvn,. 



7HL CONCLUSION. 263 

-^ e,o--l<2,e, O. Z>nviXfL. 

dct. soil, jScjG. 

J cum. j <£&cu / t- d-ftj 

WUt 4. 7. JUa. 

Sill-. VO-fCW SiO-t-CQ-ULCoU,; 

The following will serve as a guide for addressing 
envelopes; the governor of a State is addressed: 

Z) ht<s / n,<zli,€,lo > 



ML 



n,o-iA,. 



264 FOLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

A person with an official designation: 

</Xe:l. &C true, Jcjo-cist-v o-f ~(d • d'OLccLtc&'rv 

yti 



vCstCisCici-'rv. 



Subscriptions should be plainly written, and the 
punctuation perfect. The following is the proper 
address for young ladies: 



tdd (L/Jed&te 



t&id&tz 



zete^ 



'■'m&u.- 



Cx^-eZtt 



i-€Z'^t€^. 



For a married lady: 



^^/fL*'L<L. ^y2^zc.'»^./ C^- \L? ■c^-ry^-y^Z'-i'-'p^-a^t 



^-r^iM^-l-, 



POSTAGE STAMP, ETC. 265 

Address a gentleman in this way: 



J#e*p* <ty[ <^fM, 



■tZ'n- / x 



t€ZC-d 



V 



THE STAMP. 

Before sending a letter, affix to it a proper stamp. 
The communication will not be forwarded unless it is 
prepaid one full rate. 

The stamp should be affixed to the upper right- 
hand corner of the face of the envelope, at about one- 
sixteenth of an inch from the top and one-eighth of 
an inch from the end. 

The stamp is a picture, and should be right end 
up, its edges being parallel with those of the envelope. 
"Putting the stamp on upside down or awry indicates 
carelessness rather than rapidity, and any appearance 
of carelessness in a letter is disrespectful to the person 
to whom it is sent." 

Be sure to put on an envelope as many stamps as 
are necessary to send the letter; two stamps should 
be used if you are not certain that one is sufficient. 



266 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 



A SOCIAL LETTER. 

My Dear Brother: 

The beautiful fossil that you send me from 
the wilds of Colorado, shows that you have not aban- 
doned the study for which you have had an inclination 
so long. 

The specimen has been deposited in the museum, 
and is a matter of great curiosity to the visitors. 
Your description of it enables me to describe it with 
more readiness than any one else. The present is 
highly prized, and I thank you for it with all my 
heart. 

Your loving sister, 

Mrs. Kate Sexton. 

Mr. Albert B. fustice, 
Denver, Colo. 



LE TTERS OF IN7R OD UC TION. 267 

A BUSINESS LETTER. 

Columbus, O. 

Nov. 26, 1890. 
Mr. Henry H. Jacoby, 

Harrisburg, Pa. 

Dear Sir, — It gives me pleasure to inform you that 
the book in which you are interested will soon be com- 
pleted. A copy of the work will be sent you when the 
first edition is ready for sale. 

The publication to zvhich you wish to devote your 
atte?ition in some of the New England States will be 
issued during the coming summer. 

Yours respectfully, 

J. Emery Smith. 

LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 

As a guide is to a man in an unknown land, so is 
a letter of introduction to a man in a strange commu- 
nity. A person going to a strange place ought to be 
prepared with such a valuable aid. A letter of this 



268 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

kind properly prepared must be brief, and must con- 
tain the full name and address of the person introduced, 
to which should be added an expression stating the 
pleasure that you think the new acquaintance will 
create. 

A letter of introduction may be sealed by the 
person introduced, but not by the writer. A gentleman 
delivering to a lady a letter that introduces him is at 
liberty to call upon her. By sending her a card he can 
ascertain whether it is more convenient to receive him 
then or appoint another hour that is more convenient. 

Great caution must be exercised in giving a letter 
of introduction. The writer must be well acquainted 
with the one introduced and with the person to whom 
he writes. A well-bred gentleman or lady who is the 
recipient of such a letter will, in twenty-four hours, 
attend to the demands of the letter by inviting the 
person introduced to dine, or engage in some agreeable 
pastime or amusement. 

A letter of introduction is often left with a card; 
in such a case a gentleman in the family may call 
upon the stranger the following day, or he may send 
a card with an invitation. Should the letter introduce 
a gentleman to a lady, she may answer by a note of 
invitation appointing a time for him to call. 



LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 269 

Chicago, IlL, May 24, 18 go. 
Dear Sir. 

I take pleasure in introducing to you my 
esteemed friend, Miss Grace White, a young lady of 
estimable qualities, who zvill spend a few weeks in 
your city. I am confident that an acquaintance with 
her will be a pleasure to you, as it zvill also to Miss 
White. Any favor you may show her will be a 
gratification to me. 

Yours sincerely, 

Owen K. Snyder. 
To James Jay Hunt, 
Marion, Ind. 

The envelope should be addressed as follows: 





L>^2^-«e-^z- ^_^T-. ^J^Wj^cz^z.-^, 




^_^n--£i- 







270 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

FAMILY LETTERS. 

Letters written from one member of a family to 
another are less formal than any other kind of epis- 
tolary correspondence. They should exhibit some 
characteristics of the writer; should contain informa- 
tion on minor matters as well as on subjects of more 
importance; and should be written so as to give the 
greatest amount of satisfaction to the recipient. 

LETTERS OF FRIENDSHIP. 

Letters of friendship are more formal than family 
letters, contain less gossip, and embrace matters in 
which both the writer and recipient are interested. 
Such letters should be answered with sufficient 
promptness to keep alive the friendship between the 
correspondents, unless there be a desire for this to 
cool. 

THE BUSINESS LETTER. 

This should be embraced in a few words and 
should relate directly to the business in hand. If an 
apology or explanation is necessary, let it be inserted 
after the business portion of the letter is finished. A 
business letter should be answered as soon as possible 
after its receipt. The response, in some cases, may be 



BUSINESS LETTERS. 271 

on the same page with the original letter; but this 
kind of reply should not be made, save when the 
points in question are few and brief. 



BRIEF BUSINESS LETTERS. 

New Haven, March i, i8gi. 
Messrs. Cox & Hibbard, 

Dear Sirs: 

Having heard that 
yon are in need of more assistance in your establish- 
ment, I venture to ask you for employment. I can 
refer you to James G. Smith, my late employer, as to 
my qualifications, should you decide to consider my 
application. 

Yours truly, 

Arthur B. Jilson. 



272 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

Dear Madam: 

Mary Dunn having applied to me for the 

position of cook ) refers me to you for a character. I 

feel particularly anxious to obtain a good servant for 

the coming winter, and shall therefore feel obliged by 

your making me acquainted with any particulars 

referring to her character, and remain, madam, 

Your very obedieiit servant, 

Mrs. Wm. Moor head. 
To Mrs. C. E. Simmons. 



Mrs. Wm. Moor head, 

Dear Madam: It gives me pleasure 
to say that Mary Dunn lived with me for nine 
months, and during that time I found her active, 
diligent and efficient. She is a superior cook, and I 
have full confidence in her honesty. I feel that I can 
recommend her with full confidence of her being likely 
to give you satisfaction, lam, madam, 

Your very obedient servant, 

Mrs. C. E. Simmons. 



LETTERS AND REPLIES. 273 

LETTERS OF CONGRATULATION AND CONDOLENCE. 

They should be brief, and confined to the matter 
for which you offer your congratulations or condolence. 
A letter of congratulation may be written to any 
acquaintance whom you wish to inform of the pleasure 
you derive from his success; while a letter of con- 
dolence should be sent only to intimate friends or 
relatives, and should express real feeling for those in 
bereavement. 

LOVE LETTERS. 

A love letter should be dignified in tone and ex- 
pressive of esteem and affection. It should be free 
from silly and extravagant expressions, and contain 
nothing of which the writer would be ashamed were 
the letter to fall under the eyes of any person beside 
the one to whom it was written. 

REPLIES. 

A reply should promptly follow the receipt of a 
letter; it can not be civilly delayed for any great 
length of time. It is customary to begin a reply by 
noticing the date of the letter to which an answer is 
given. 



274 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

One of the following forms is generally adopted: 

"I hasten to answer the letter which you did me 
the honor of writing on the, etc." 

"I have received the letter with which you 
honored me on the, etc." 

"I have not been able, until this moment, to 
answer the letter which you did me the honor of 
writing on the, etc. 

EPISTOLARY COMPOSITION. 

Every letter is of some importance; remember 
this before you begin to write. 

Do not consult grammarians, or lexicons, when 
you write a letter; depend rather on an attentive 
perusal of the best epistolary authors of both sexes. 
Study the letters of women in preference to those 
of men. 

Before you begin a letter, imagine that you are 
in the presence of the absent person; convene with 
him, pen in hand. 

Julius Caesar dictated several letters at once; do 
not imitate the Dictator of Rome, compose but one 
letter at a time. 

In your letters to a man in office, or to a protec- 
tor, beware of exhibiting more intellect than he 
possessess. 



EPIS TOLA R Y C OMPOSITION. 275 

Do not write a letter of reproof, immediately 
after a liberal repast. 

Never write long letters to persons in easy cir- 
cumstances. 

During your whole life, write to your instructors 
or instructresses with as much respect and gratitude 
as to your parents. 

In your letters, ask nothing and refuse nothing 
which would cause you to blush, if you were to make 
the request or denial in person. 

Write all your letters in a simple style; especially 
those which are addressed to the unlearned, and to 
men of sense. 

When you propose to be laconic in your letters, 
avoid dryness; a dry style is the evidence of a barren 
mind. 

A letter is like a nosegay; the thoughts should 
be well assorted. 

In a crowd of persons, there are no two counte- 
nances exactly alike; let the case be the same with 
your letters. 

Speak of your friends, as if they were present; 
write to them in the same manner. 

In your letters, accommodate yourself to the 
respective capacities of your correspondents. A young 
19 



276 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

man should slacken his pace, when he walks with an 
old gentleman, or with a lady. 

Do not amass a previous store 01 brilliant or pro- 
found ideas in order to dispose of them in your letters 
as occasion may require. In the epistolary style, 
it is especially true, that we must live from day 
to day. 

Every kind of style may enter into the composi- 
tion of letters. In this respect everything depends on 
the subject and the writer, The sublime does not 
exclude simplicity; on the contrary, it includes it. 

If you can not avoid superfluities, in your 
letters, be incorrect rather than pedantic. 

Do not meditate long before writing a letter; but 
invariably revise it, after it is written. 

Be sparing in the use of puns in conversation; 
employ them still more sparingly in your letters. 

A father and son should not address each other 
as companions; but the letters of brothers may res - 
semble those of friends. 

The mutual letters of a married pair, when ab- 
sent from each other, should be affectionate and deli- 
cate. Many things should be the mere subject of 
conjecture; they may occasionally be spoken, but 
never committed to writing. 



EPISTOLARY COMMUNICATION, 277 

Let your tongue and your pen have full scope; 
but act like a skillful horseman, and let them con- 
stantly feel, that they shall be free only while they 
abstain from abusing the liberty which you grant to 
them in your conversation or letters. 

Be brief when you write to magistrates; they 
have neither time nor patience to read long epistles. 

When you inflict censure, or bestow praise in 
your letters, be concise. 

Let every expression in your letters have the air 
of civility. This will render affected compliments 
and politeness unnecessary. Too many persons are 
polite in order to avoid civility. 

Never send a letter which has produced weariness 
or trouble in writing. It would certainly weary the 
reader. 

When you are thirsty you drain a cup at a single 
draught. Attend to the proper time for composition, 
and let your letter be commenced and finished, as it 
were, with a single stroke of the pen. 

In all your conversations forbear to sacrifice 
truth to considerations of civility or respect; avoid 
the same fault in your letters. A spoken falsehood 
is a great evil; a written falsehood is a still greater 
one. 



278 



POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 



As the first thoughts are often the best, be careful 
to answer a letter without delay. No harm, however, 
will result from deferring the reply for a day or two, 
especially if it relates to an affair of importance. 



CHAPTER XIX. 



^%^ 




ETIQUETTE OF FUNERALS. 



'HE most solemn of all duties is that 
which we must perform to the dead. It 
is only becoming in us to show in every 
possible way our deep sympathy on 
these frequent occasions. 

Ostentatious show at funerals is 
gradually becoming less, and by some 
discarded altogether; pomp and ceremony does not 
properly illustrate the last journey of the poor clay to 
its resting place, and the more quiet and simple the 
arrangement the better; however, flowers are always 
in order and no better way to show our love and 
esteem can be suggested. 



FUNERAL INVITATIONS. 



It is the custom in large cities to give notice of 
death and announce the time of funeral service through 
the newspapers, but for fear it may not reach all in 



280 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

time, invitations are sent to personal and family 
friends. 

Invitations are printed on fine small note paper 
with a heavy black border; and it is a breach of good 
manners not to accept the invitation and attend when 
you receive one. The following is a good form: 






^__y ■&- /i-^-ci-c~*2~*z^a£ ■£&- Z^Jy-C€z-€>&4^irZ'-iz/ XL? -a 



/* 



&<?71, ^-'C^-'i-'l^ . 



ARRANGEMENTS. 

The details of a funeral should be arranged by 
some relative or friend of the family, or usually, the 
undertaker can be safely trusted to furnish every thing 
necessary to prevent discord or annoyance; pomp and 
display should be avoided. The means of the family 



ETIQUETTE OF FUNERALS. 281 

should, of course, govern the expenses, and the limit 
be a prudent one. 

HOUSE OF MOURNING. 

Upon entering the house of mourning the hat 
should be removed, and all loud talking or confusion 
avoided. All differences and quarrels should be for- 
gotten, and enemies who meet at a funeral should 
treat each other with respect and dignity. No calls 
of condolence should be made upon the bereaved 
family while the dead remains in the house, and mem- 
bers of the family may be excused from receiving any 
but their most intimate friends at that time. The 
bell knob or door handle is draped with black crape, 
with a black ribbon tied on, if the deceased is married 
or advanced in years, and with a white ribbon if 
young or unmarried. 

THE SERVICES. 

If the services are held at the house, some near 
friend or relative will receive the guests. The im- 
mediate members of the family and near relatives 
should take a final view of the corpse just before the 
arrival of the guests, and should not make their ap- 
pearance again until about time for the services to 



282 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

commence. The clergyman in taking his position 
should accommodate himself to the hearing of all, if 
possible, but especially to the family and near rela- 
tives, who will probably be in a room to themselves. 
In such case he should stand in the doorway. The 
guests will have taken a last look at the corpse before 
seating themselves, and at the conclusion of the ser- 
vices the coffin lid is closed, and the remains are borne 
to the hearse. The custom of opening the coffin at 
church, unless the person is one of distinguished 
prominence, is fast falling into disuse. 

PALL-BEARERS. 

The pall-bearers, usually six, but sometimes 
eight in number, are generally chosen from the 
intimate acquaintances of the deceased, and of nearly 
the- same age. If they walk to the cemetery, they 
take their position in equal numbers on either side 
of the hearse. 

THE PROCESSION. 

The carriages containing the clergymen and 
pal] -bearers precede the hearse, immediately fol- 
lowed by the carriages of the nearest relatives, more 
distant relatives and friends, respectively. When 



E TIQ UE TTE OF F UNERALS. 283 

societies or masonic bodies take part in the pro- 
cession they precede the hearse. The horse of a 
deceased mounted military officer, fully caparisoned 
and draped in mourning, will be led immediately 
after the hearse. As the mourners pass out to enter 
the carriages, the gentlemen stand with uncovered 
heads. No salutations are given or received. The 
person who officiates as master of ceremonies assists 
the mourners to enter and alight from the carriages. 
At the cemetery the clergyman or priest precedes 
the coffin. 

CALLS UPON THE BEREAVED FAMILY. 

Friends may call upon the bereaved family in a 
week after burial, and acquaintances within a month. 
It is the custom for friends to wear no bright colors 
when making their calls of condolence. Short notes 
of condolence may be sent as an expression of sym- 
pathy. Formal notes of condolence are no longer 
sent. 

MOURNING. 

Custom prescribes some indication of one's 
bereavement in their dress. They who choose to 
adopt this custom may do so with perfect propriety. 



284 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

The widow dresses in mourning for life, or until a 
subsequent marriage. For trie loss of a brother or 
sister or son or daughter, six months or a year, as they 
may prefer. 

When persons who have been in mourning wish 
to re-enter society, they should leave cards on all their 
friends and acquaintances, as an intimation that they 
are equal to the paying and receiving of calls. Until 
this intimation is given, society will not venture to 
intrude upon the mourner's privacy. In cases where 
cards of inquiry have been left, with the words "To 
inquire'' written on the top of the card, these cards 
should be replied to by cards with "Thanks for kind 
inquiries" written upon them; but if cards for inquiry 
had not been left, this form can be omitted. 

Of course there is a kind of complimentary mourn- 
ing which does not necessitate seclusion — that which 
is worn out of respect to a husband's relative whom 
one may never have seen. But no one wearing a heavy 
crape veil should go to a gay reception, a wedding, or 
a theatre. 

Still less should mourning prevent one from 
taking proper recreation; the more the heart aches, 
the more should one try to gain cheerfulness and 
composure, to hear music, to see faces which one 



ETIQUETTE OF FUNERALS. 285 

loves; this is a duty, not merely a wise and sensible 
rule. Yet it is well to have some established cus- 
toms as to visiting and dress in order that the gay 
and the heartless may in observing them avoid that 
which shocks every one — an appearance of lack of 
respect to the memory of the dead — that all society 
may move on in decency and order, which is the object 
and end of the study of etiquette. 

MOURNING RESPECTED. 

A heartless wife who, instead of being grieved at 
the death of her husband, is rejoiced at it, should be 
taught that society will not respect her unless she pays 
to the memory of the man whose name she bears 
that ''homage which vice pays to virtue," a com- 
mendable respect to the usages of society in the matter 
of mourning and of retirement from the world. 
Mourning garments have their use, that they are a 
shield to the real mourner, and they are often a cur- 
tain of respectability to the person who should be a 
mourner but is not. 

PERIOD OF MOURNING. 

As for periods of mourning, we are told that a 
widow's mourning should last eighteen months, 



286 FOLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

although in England it is somewhat lightened in 
twelve. For the first six months the dress should be of 
crape cloth, or Henrietta cloth covered entirely with 
crape, collar and cuffs of white crape, a crape bonnet 
with a long crape veil, and a widow's cap of white 
crape if preferred. 

In America, however, widow's caps are not as 
universally worn as in England. Dull black kid 
gloves are worn in first mourning; after that gants de 
Suede or silk gloves are proper, particularly in sum- 
mer. After six months' mourning the crape can be 
removed, and grenadine, copeau fringe, and dead 
trimmings used, if the smell of crape is offensive, as 
it is to some people. After twelve months the wid- 
ow's cap is left off, and the heavy veil is exchanged 
for a lighter one, and the dress can be of silk grena- 
dine, plain black gros-grain, or crape-trimmed cash- 
mere with jet trimmings, and crepe lisse about the 
neck and sleeves. 

All kinds of black fur and seal-skin are worn in 
deep mourning. 

Mourning for a father or a mother should last 
one year. During half a year should be worn Henri- 
etta cloth or serge trimmed with crape, at first with 
black tulle at the wrists and neck. A deep veil is 



ETIQUETTE OF FUNERALS. 287 

worn at the back of the bonnet, but not over the head 
or face like the widow's veil, which covers the entire 
body when down. This fashion is very much objected 
to by doctors, who think many diseases of the eye 
come by this means, and advise for common use thin 
nun's-veiling instead of crape. 

It is a thousand pities that fashion dictates the 
crape veil, but so it is. It is the very banner of woe, 
and no one has the courage to go without it. We 
can only suggest to mourners wearing it that they 
should pin a small veil of black tulle over the eyes and 
nose, and throw back the heavy crape as often as 
possible, for health's sake. 

Mourning for a brother or sister may be the 
same; for a stepfather or stepmother the same; for 
grandparents the same; but the duration may be 
shorter. In England this sort of respectful mourning 
only lasts three months. 

Mourning for children should last nine months. 
The first three the dress should be crape- trimmed, the 
mourning less deep than that for a husband. No one 
is ever ready to take offmourning; therefore these rules 
have this advantage — they enable the friends around 
a grief-stricken mother to tell her when is the time to 
make her dress more cheerful, which she is bound to 



288 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

do for the sake of the survivors, many of whom are 
perhaps affected for life by seeing a mother always in 
black. It is well for mothers to remember this when 
sorrow for a lost child makes all the earth seem barren 
to them. 

LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE. 

We are often asked whether letters of condolence 
should be written on black-edged paper. Decidedly 
not, unless the writer is in black. The telegraph now 
flashes messages of respect and sympathy across sea and 
land like a voice from the heart. Perhaps it is better 
than any other word of sympathy, although all who 
can should write to a bereaved person. There is no 
formula possible for these letters; they must be left to 
the individual's good taste, and perhaps the simplest 
and least conventional are the best. 

The period of mourning for an aunt or uncle ot 
cousin is of three months' duration, and that time 
at least should elapse before the family go out or into 
gay company, or are seen at theatres or operas, etc. 

THE BODY AND COFFIN. 

We now come to the saddest part of our subject, 
the consideration of the dead body, so dear, yet so 



E T1Q UE TTE OF F UNERALS. 289 

soon to leave us; so familiar, yet so far away — the 
cast-off dress, the beloved clay. 

As for the coffin, it is simpler than formerly; 
and, while lined with satin and made with care, it is 
plain on the outside — black cloth, with silver plate 
for the name, and silver handles, being in the most 
modern taste. 

If our richest citizen were to die to-morrow, he 
would probably be buried plainly. Yet it is touching 
to see with what fidelity the poorest creature tries to 
' 'bury her dead decently. ' ' The destitute Irish woman 
begs for a few dollars for this sacred duty, and seldom 
in vain. It is a duty for the rich to put down osten- 
tation in funerals, for it is an expense which comes 
heavily on those who have poverty added to grief. 

In dressing the remains for the grave, those of a 
man are usually u clad in his habit as he lived." For 
a woman, tastes differ: a white robe and cap, not 
necessarily shroudlike, are decidedly unexceptionable. 
For young persons and children, white cashmere robes 
and flowers are always most appropriate. 

CARDS. 

In the course of a month after a death all friends 
of the deceased are expected to leave cards on the sur- 



290 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

vivors, and it is discretionary whether these be written 
on or not. These cards should be carefully preserved, 
that, when the mourner is ready to return to the 
world, they may be properly acknowledged. 

CONDOLENCE. 

Expressions of joy are easily found; but this 
fountain of feeling being chilled by grief, by the sud- 
den horror of death, or the more terrible breath of 
dishonor or shame, or the cold blast of undeserved 
misfortune, leaves the sympathizer in the perplexity 
as to what to say and how to say it. 

We sympathize with our friends; we desire to 
tell them so. We want to say, "My friend, your sor- 
row is my sorrow; nothing can hurt you that does not 
affect me. I cannot, of course, enter into all your 
feelings, but to stand by and see you grieve and 
remain unmoved myself is impossible." All this we 
wish to say; but how shall we say it that our words 
may not hurt him a great deal more than he is hurt 
already ? How can we lay our hand so tenderly on 
that sore spot that we may not inflict a fresh wound ? 
How shall we say to a mother bending over a fresh 
grave (of perhaps her only child) that we regret the 
loss she has sustained in the death of her child ? Can 



E TIQ UE TTE OF F VNERALS. 291 

words measure the depth, the height, the immensity, 
the bitterness of that grief? What can we say that 
will not seem unfeeling? 

She has heard and thought of all the Pagans and 
Christians say: "Whom the gods love die young;" 
"God does not willingly afflict the children of men;" 
but that is poor consolation to that grief-stricken 
heart. 

Shall we attempt to console her by telling her 
how good, how loving and brave, was the spirit just 
separated from the clay? Alas how well she knows 
that! How the tears well up as she remembers the 
silent fortitude, and the heroic patience under that 
pain that was known to mean death! Ancient philos- 
ophers and modern poets have dwelt at length upon 
death and the grave; all words seem meaningless, the 
thoughts which fill our minds fail to frame words that 
will comfort, and yet the simple and unpremeditated 
words are best. A distant friend (gay and fickle) once 
wrote a most perfect letter of condolence. It ran thus: 
U I have heard of your great sorrow, and I send* you a 
simple pressure of the hand. ' ' It had for the mourner 
great consolation. 

The afflicted are never expected to answer letters. 
Notes of condolence should be written as soon as pos- 



292 



POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 



sible; do not be afraid to intrude on any grief with a 
letter of condolence. It is generally a welcome dis- 
traction, to read a letter; and those who are so 
stunned by grief as not to be able to read or write will 
always have some willing friend near them to read 
and file them. 




CHAPTER XX. 




EUROPEAN TITLES. 

ITLES in this country, if possessed at all, 
are won by personal effort and worth ; 
hence we know but little of titles 
handed down from father to son and 
those existing from birth, and as many 
Americans go abroad, it will be best 
that they inform themselves on this 
subject. For, in Europe, it is a serious breach of eti- 
quette and not readily forgiven if we fail to address a 
person by his or her proper title. 

ROYALTY. 

The head of the social structure in England is 
the Queen. Next in rank is the Prince of Wales, 
heir apparent to the throne. The other children of 
the Royal family, while in their minority, are all 
known as princes and princesses; the eldest of the 
princesses is the Princess of Wales. When they 
reach the age of majority the princes become dukes, 



294 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

and the princesses retain their title, adding that 
of their husbands when they marry. Members of 
the royal family should be addressed as "Their 
Royal Highness.' ' 

nobility. 

A duke who inherits the title from his father 
is one grade below a royal duke. The wife of a 
duke is a duchess. They are both addressed as 
"Your Grace." The eldest son of a duke is styled 
a marquis until he comes into possession of his 
father's title. His wife is a marchioness. The 
younger sons of a duke are by courtesy called lords, 
and the daughters have the title of lady prefixed to 
their Christian names. An earl or a baron is spoken 
of as a lord, and his wife as a lady, though to the 
lady the title of countess or baroness would rightly 
belong. The daughters of an earl are ladies, the 
younger sons of both earls and barons are honorables. 
Bishops receive the title of lord, but with them it 
is not hereditary. 

GENTRY. 

Baronets are addressed as "Sirs," and theii 
wives receive the title of lady; but they are only 
commoners of a higher degree. A clergyman by 



EUROPEAN TITLES. 295 

right of his calling stands on an equality with all 
commoners, a bishop with all peers. 

THE SUFFIX ESQUIRE. 

In England the title of Esquire is not merely an 
empty compliment, as it is in this country. The fol- 
owing have a legal right to the title: 

The sons of peers whether known as lords or 
honorables. 

The eldest sons of peers' sons, and their eldest 
sons in perpetual descent. 

All the sons of baronets. 

All esquires of the Knights of the Bath. 

Lords of manors, chiefs of clans, and other tenants 
of the crown in capite, are esquires by prescription. 

Esquires, created to that rank by patent, and 
their sons in perpetual succession. 

Esquires by office, such as justices of the peace 
while on the roll, mayors of towns during mayoralty, 
and sheriffs of counties. 

Members of the House of Commons. 

Barristers at law. 

Bachelors of divinity, law and physic. 

All who in commissions signed by the sovereign 
are ever styled esquires, retain that title for life. 



296 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

IMPERIAL RANK. 

Emperors and empresses rank higher than kings 
and queens. The sons and daughters of the Emperor 
of Austria are styled archdukes and archduchesses. 

EMPTY TITLES. 

Titles in continental Europe are so common and 
so often unsustained by landed or moneyed interests, 
that they have not the same significance which they 
hold in England. Many who have inherited high 
titles have nothing but the empty name. This is fre- 
quently the case in Germany, and still more often so 
in Italy. 

FRENCH TITLES. 

Many of the old French noblesse have passed out 
of existence, in consequence of the political changes 
so frequent in that country; while others, although in 
some cases bereft of their estates, still retain their 
titles under the republic. 




CHAPTER XXL 




COURTESY. 

CELEBRATED writer once remarked 
that etiquette was common sense 
applied to the intercourse of society. 
While this is true, and while it is also 
true that etiquette is a crystallization 
of good manners, and a codification of 
the laws which fashion from time to 
time dictates for the government of 
mankind in social life, yet there is a higher form of 
politeness which is not the result of fashion, and which 
is not of the head but of the heart. Genuine courtesy 
is instinctive with some people, and is often exhibited 
by those to whom the forms of etiquette are prac- 
tically unknown. 

Courtesy is that subtle sense of right action which 
is born of kindness and sympathy, and is far more 
noble and manly than any mere etiquette. It is the 
sign that stamps the true gentleman and lady, and 
often sets the seal of nobility upon those of humblest 
birth. As an army, well trained in all the arts and 



298 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

evolutions of war, lacks full effectiveness without the 
spirit of patriotism and the higher chivalry, so society, 
though well versed in all the laws of etiquette, with- 
out courtesy is but a hollow form. 

True courtesy compels respect, is free from any 
tint of selfishness, teaches mutual forbearance, and 
spreads a halo of kindness over all within its influence. 
It yields the best place to the deserving; respects 
age, weakness, sorrow or suffering. The courteous 
man is ever willing to sacrifice his own comfort for 
the good of others, yields his seat to a lady, crowds no 
one from the sidewalk, and offers neither offense nor 
insult. 

Courtesy should be instilled into the hearts of all, 
especially the young. It smoothes our pathway 
through life, and brings sunshine into the affairs of 
men under all circumstances. It is a test of true civil- 
ization, and at once elevates humanity above the brute 
condition. No race that lives for itself alone, who is 
callous of its fellows, or the sufferings of others, can 
be truly refined. Egotism and self-sufficiency, with 
the long train of discomfort and annoyance to others 
that are their invariable accompaniment, should al- 
ways be avoided, and in their place should come the 
winsome smile, the kindly act, the genial manners, 



COURTESY. 299 

and -the instinctive goodness that characterize true 
courtesy under all circumstances. 

To a want of courtesy may be attributed many 
of the discomforts and annoyances of life. The habit 
of leaving doors open when they should be closed, 
thus exposing people to cold and the danger of con- 
tracting sickness of various kinds, is one from which 
many of us suffer, especially in railway trains, public 
offices, street cars, etc. A little consideration for the 
comfort and welfare of others would speedily remedy 
this evil. 

Loud talking in public places, compelling all 
within hearing to listen to a conversation in which 
they have no interest, is another form of discourtesy 
which should not be indulged in. 

Standing at street corners, and staring at lady 
pedestrians, to the annoyance of many sensitive per- 
sons, is happily now a punishable offense in many of 
our large cities, yet the offenders do not always come 
under the notice of the officers. 

Walking three or four abreast, compelling other 
pedestrians to step into the gutter to pass, causes 
much annoyance, and a moment's consideration would 
show the offenders how culpably discourteous is all 
such action. 



CHAPTER XXII. 




COLORS THAT HARMONIZE. 

matter how rich and elegantly a lady 
may be dressed, if the colors do not har- 
monize, the good effect is lost. A short 
lady should never wear a dress of large 
figures or plaids; nor is it in good taste 
for a large lady to dress in stripes ; these 
styles are best suited to persons of tall 

and medium height. 

Rich and elegant materials best suit a large 

figure; slender ladies may wear much drapery, but 

short, stout figures should avoid it. 

Tall, slender ladies should not wear stripes, and 

stout fleshy persons dressed in good taste have no 

ruffles or horizontal trimming, for these cause the 

short figures to appear stouter. 

A lady of blonde or fair complexion can wear 

delicate tints, while dark rich shades best suit a 

brunette; and blue is most becoming for golden hued 

and auburn hair. 



COLORS THAT HARMONIZE. 301 

The art of combining colors to advantage is not 
given to all; yet the careful observer, by a little 
study, may acquire it. A small bouquet of flowers 
gathered from the open field, or one purchased from a 
florist, will furnish an experienced milliner with ideas 
of combination as nature gives them; and when 
arranged by the trained hand and eye, always 
please. 

As a rule women attempt too much in the way 
of colors, and spoil that which otherwise would be a 
harmonious combination. In passing a well-dressed 
woman on the street it is not an easy thing to describe 
the dress she wears; harmony and a general sense of 
fitness is the inpression received, and we think of it 
as a perfect costume, no special part attracting us. 
The quiet and studious select grays and blacks, while 
the frivolous will affect the gaudy; hence the rule 
that a man or woman's dress is a fair index to the 
mind. 

Only the costly materials should be elaborately 
trimmed, the cheaper the goods the less extravagantly 
should the dress be made; as we increase in age it is 
well to remember that the complexion changes, and 
what was admirable at fourteen may be very unbe- 
coming at fifty; the changes in our lives every decade 



302 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

necessitate a change in style of dress: both men and 
women should modify their dress as they grow 
older. 

There is natural beauty which can be developed 
by observing the simple laws of harmony in colors. 
The following is given from observation and ex- 
perience: 

With Black, pink; lilac; scarlet; maize; slate 
color; orange, a rich harmony; white, a perfect har- 
mony; brown, a dull harmony; drab or buff; white or 
yellow and crimson; orange, blue and scarlet; choco- 
late brown; shaded cardinal; yellow, bronze and light 
blue; cardinal, blue and old gold. 

Blue and brown; black; gold, a rich harmony; 
orange, a perfect harmony; chestnut; maize; straw 
color; white; fawn color, weak harmony; stone color; 
drab; lilac, weak harmony; crimson, imperfectly; 
pink, poor harmony; salmon color; scarlet and purple 
(or lilac) ; orange and black; orange and green; 
brown, crimson and gold (or yellow) ; orange, black 
and white; pink and bronze green; cardinal and old 
gold ; yellow, chocolate-brown and gold ; ' mulberry 
and yellow. 

Bronze and old gold; pink and light blue; black, 
blue, pink and gold; cardinal and peacock blue. 



COLORS THAT HARMONIZE. 303 

Brown and blue, green, cardinal and yellow; yel- 
low, cardinal and peacock blue. 

Crimson and gold, rich harmony; orange, rich 
harmony; brown, dull harmony ; black, dull harmony; 
drab; maize; purple. 

Cardinal and old gold ; brown and black ; navy 
blue. 

Chocolate and blue, pink and gold. 

Claret and old gold. 

Dark green, white and cardinal. 

Ecru and bronze and peacock; light blue. 

Garnet and bronze and pink. 

Gen d'arme and cardinal; bronze; myrtle; old 
gold; yellow and cardinal; pink, cardinal and lavender. 

Green and gold, or gold color; scarlet; orange; 
yellow; crimson, blue and gold, or yellow; blue and 
scarlet; gold and mulberry; cardinal. 

Lilac and white, poor; gray, poor; maize; cherry; 
gold, or gold color; scarlet; crimson, scarlet and white 
or black; gold color and crimson; yellow or gold, 
scarlet and white. 

Light pink and garnet; drab, pine, yellow and 
white. 

Myrtle and old gold ; bronze; red, blue and yel- 
low; mulberry, cardinal, gold and light green. 



304 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. . 

Mulberry and old gold; gold; bronze; bronze, 
gold; pearl 

Mode and pearl, mulberry. 

Maroon and yellow, silvery gray, light green. 

Navy blue and light blue, gold; gen d'arme, 
pearl; maize, cardinal, yellow. 

Orange and bronze, agreeable; chestnut; lilac 
and crimson; red, green; purple, scarlet; blue, scarlet, 
claret; blue, scarlet, white, green; blue, crimson. 

Pearl and light blue, peacock blue. 

Peacock and blue, light gold; blue, old gold; 
blue, cardinal; blue, pearl, gold, cardinal. 

Purple and maize; blue; gold, or gold color, rich; 
orange, rich; black, heavy; white, cold; scarlet and 
white; scarlet, blue and orange; scarlet, blue, yellow, 
black. 

Red and white, or gray; gold, or gold color; 
orange, green ; yellow or gold color and black ; gold 
color, black, white. 

Seal brown and gold, cardinal. 

Sapphire and bronze; old gold; cardinal; light 
blue; light pink; corn; garnet; mulberry. 

Shaded blue and black. 

Scarlet and blue; slate color; orange; blue, white; 
blue, yellow; black, white; blue, black, yellow. 



HARMONIOUS JEWELS. 305 

Shaded blue and shaded garnet, shaded gold; 
black. 

White and cherry; crimson; brown; pink; scarlet; 
gold color, poor. 

Yellow and black; brown; red; chestnut or cho- 
colate; white, poor; purple, agreeable; violet; lilac, 
weak; blue, cold; crimson; purple, crimson; purple, 
scarlet, blue; pink, maroon, light blue. 



HARMONIOUS JEWELS. 
JANUARY. 

By those who in this month are born 
No gem save Garnets should be worn ; 
They will insure you constancy, 
True friendship and fidelity. 

FEBRUARY. 

The February born will find 
Sincerity and peace of mind — 
Freedom from passion and from care 
If they the Amethyst will wear. 



306 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

MARCH. 

Who on this world of ours their eyes 
In March first open shall be wise, 
In days of peril firm and brave, 
And wear a bloodstone to their grave. 

APRIL. 

Those who in April date their years, 
Diamonds should wear, lest bitter tears 
For vain repentance flow. This stone 
Emblem of innocence is known. 

MAY. 

Who first beholds the light of day 
In Springs's sweet flowery month of May, 
And wears an Emerald all her life, 
Shall be a loved and happy wife. 

JUNE. 

Who comes with summer to this earth 
And owes to June her day of birth, 
With ring of Agate on her hand, 
Can health, wealth and peace command. 




RUBY. 



HARMONIOUS JEWELS. 307 



JULY. 



The glowing ruby should adorn 
Those who in warm July are born; 
Thus will they be exempt and free 
From love's doubt and anxiety. 



AUGUST. 



Wear a Sardonyx, or for thee 

No conjugal felicity; 

The August born without this stone 



'^> 



'Tis said must live unloved alone. 

SEPTEMBER. 

A maiden born when Autumn's leaves 
Are rustling in September's breeze, 
A Sapphire on her brow should bind, 
'Twill cure diseases of the mind. 

OCTOBER. 
October's child is born for woe, 



And life's vicissitudes must know; 
But lay an Opal on her breast, 
And hope will lull the woes to rest 



308 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

NOVEMBER. 

Who first comes to this world below 
With dull November's fog and snow, 
Should prize the Topaz amber hue, 
Emblem of friends and lovers true. 

DECEMBER. 

If cold December gave you birth, 
The month of snow and ice and mirth, 
Place on your hand a Turquoise blue — 
Success will bless you if you do. 




4f 




CHAPTER XXIII. 

VISITING. 

CCORDING to the strict rules of eti- 
■J quette, one call during the year, or a 
card left at the door in person or in an 
envelope, continues the acquaintance; 
although there is no apparent cause 
for this seeming remissness, society 
must ask no questions. We can never 
know what prompts a lady to give up 
her visiting for a season, it maybe a sudden calamity, 
or need of economy, or domestic duties, and she 
should not be questioned, for no doubt her reasons are 
purely personal, 

There should be uniformity in visiting. No lady 
is pleased to receive a card from Mrs. Allen and then 
meet her, making a personal visit (perhaps) to her 
next door neighbor. If a lady cannot personally 
visit all her formal acquaintances, she should visit 
none; for it is not proper to show favors, and the lady 
receiving the card would certainly feel the slight. 



510 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

It is rude to ignore the day a lady may designate 
for receiving calls, and one should try to call on a re- 
ception day. Happy the lady, who can give up one 
afternoon each week to her friends. The person who 
has established a residence in any town or community 
should call on the lady or family of subsequent arri- 
vals first, and such calls must be returned promptly. 

VISITING DISTANT FRIENDS. 

Both guest and host, may have much pleasure in 
a visit, but the privilege is very often abused; by 
making your friend the servant of your gratification, 
for weeks. An extended visit can be agreeable, only 
when firm friendship exists, and your entertainment 
is a pleasure rather than a serving. 

Many times people who wish to seem friendly, 
give out general invitations, "come and see us some 
time." Never accept a general invitation; it is an error, 
if not a sin, to say what you do not mean, but you 
will make a greater blunder to take such people at 
their word ; in many cases the visitors could best de- 
cide the limit of their stay, yet to give an invitation 
meaning, the date and length of the visit is named. 

SURPRISING YOUR FRIENDS. 

When a visitor has the optio:; of naming the time 
he will make his visit, he ought certainly to let his 



DUTY OF VISITORS, 311 

friend know of his coming. The unexpected return 
of a friend supposed to be dead would be a joyous 
moment, and our welcome sincere and earnest ; but the 
ordinary surprise is far less agreeable, to most persons. 

LENGTH OF VISIT. 

Always be on the safe side, and make your visit 
shorter rather than longer, than your host or hostess 
desires. The distance the visitor has come, and the 
degree of friendship or relationship existing between 
them, should govern the length of his stay. A week, 
or ten days at most, should be sufficient, unless the 
host insists on your remaining. It is important that 
your friends know how long you will stay, and one 
should embrace the first opportunity to announce it, as 
it is embarrassing to ask a visitor, how long he or she 
will remain. 

DUTY OF VISITORS. 

Visitors should conform carefully to the habits of 
the house, not be out walking at dinner time, nor 
in bed at breakfast time, and never keep the 
family up after their hour for retiring. A guest must 
not show either by word or act that these hours do 
not suit him, but submit cheerfully. 



312 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

A visitor should not appear to notice any unpleas- 
ant family affairs that fall under his observation. He 
should never comment upon them to strangers, nor 
to the host himself, unless his friend should first 
broach the subject. Also, if you do not find your 
friend in as high a state of prosperity as you had an- 
ticipated, do not take too evident notice of the fact. 
Your observations may be cruel as well as impolite. 

A visitor should, as far as possible, acquiesce in 
all plans proposed for his amusement or entertainment 
by the host. 

All invitations to either visitor or visited ought 
to include the other, and either should generally re- 
fuse to accept an invitation to him alone. 

A visitor should always endeavor to give as little 
trouble as possible. At the same time he ought not 
to apologize for the trouble which his presence natur- 
ally requires. 

If you are a visitor be careful to keep your room 
as neat as possible. Do not let garments lie scattered 
about promiscuously. 

A lady visitor, where few or no servants are kept, 
would do well to make her own bed. If there are no 
servants she may also do other little helpful things for 
her hostess. 



LUTY OF HOST OR HOSTESS. 313 

Guests must be careful not to demand too con- 
stant attention from their entertainers, especially in 
the morning when the hostess has duties of her own. 
But for a visitor to avoid the society of his friends and 
seek his own amusement for a large part of the time, 
is uncivil and selfish. 

DUTY OF HOST OR HOSTESS. 

True hospitality consists in freely and cheerfully 
giving your visitor the best you have in the way of 
rooms, provisions, and other means of entertainment. 
Having done this, make no apologies because you 
have no better. Your general demeanor toward your 
guests will do more toward making them feel at home 
and enjoy their visit than any amount of grandeur and 
luxury. Devote as much time as you can to the 
amusement and society of your visitors, and let them 
feel, from your kindness and cheerfulness, that you 
enjoy their presence. 

Kindly, and even urgently, invite your friend to 
stay as long as you wish; but when a time has been 
fixed upon for his departure, do not try to break in 
upon his plans. Assist him in his departure, and ask 
him to visit you again if you really desire him to do 
so; otherwise allow him to depart by wishing him a 
safe journey home. 




CHAPTER XXIV. 

ETIQUETTE FOR BOYS AND GIRLS. 

L,Iv THE hints given and suggestions 
offered in this chapter are applicable to 
everyone, but are designed especially 
for the boys and girls. The period of 
life, when our young people are bud- 
ding into manhood and womanhood, is 
the most critical, and habits formed at 
this time for good or evil will be re- 
tained for years and many times for life; hence it is 
of the greatest importance that parents carefully con- 
sider the training of their children. 

The average child of to-day is, no doubt, bright 
and precocious, but no more so than their parents and 
teachers were at the same age, and as they grow older 
they will know that their knowledge of the ways of 
the world was indeed limited. 

This is the most trying period in life for both 
parents and children, as the child is apt to feel that 
he or she is kept under too much restraint, and that 



ETIQUETTE FOR BOYS AND GIRLS, 315 

they know better than the teachers; that older per- 
sons are slow, not very bright and jealous of their 
cleverness. Free yourself of these notions, and be a 
close student of the hints given in this chapter, and 
you will be much better liked and able to more per- 
fectly enjoy the many advantages offered you. 

True politeness must come from kindness of 
heart; a kind-hearted person is never rude or regard- 
less of the feelings of others; while with some persons 
good manners seem such a part of themselves that we 
say it is natural for them to be polite, — born with 
them ; yet everything depends upon the habits we form 
or allow ourselves to fall into. Early habits are the 
ones that cling to us through life; then how important 
that we be correct in all our habits. 

If we observe persons of fine manners we can 
learn much that can be learned in no other way. The 
great advantage, of good society is the opportunities 
it affords for observing the habits and manners of 
others. By good society we do not mean people who 
are wealthy, but those who come under the head of true 
ladies and gentlemen, whose morals and manners 
are all that are upright, just and kind. 

Those of similar tastes and habits associate to- 
gether. The good prefer to be with the good and the 



316 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

bad are generally found with each other; so let us ex- 
ercise all carefulness in choosing our friends. Habits 
are said to be good or bad, as the result of actions 
that are right or wrong. A man of good habits is 
one who has for so long a time practiced right thinking, 
speaking and doing, that he acts properly from force 
of habit. While habits may be changed, it is much 
easier to avoid bad habits, than to correct thefm after 
they have begun to control our actions. 

The school room affords endless opportunities for 
forming and cultivating habits of politeness and good 
morals. On entering the school room greet teacher 
and schoolmates in a pleasant manner and endeavor 
in all your actions and intercourse to be kind and 
considerate. You should consider it your special 
duty to look after the welfare of any crippled child. 
It is not only rude but positively wicked to make 
him the subject of ridicule, It is also rude and 
unkind to laugh at mistakes or awkwardness in any 
one. Pupils should not push and crowd one another 
in waiting for a drink or at any time. 

Profanity is vulgar, it is foolish, it is degrading, 
it is wicked. Its use never did any one any good, 
Don't use it, boys, at school, at home, or anywhere, 
and don't make the boy your companion who does 



E TIQ UE TTE FOR BOYS AND GIRLS. 317 

use it. Slang should be avoided, girls use it on almost 
every occasion, until "awful" really means nothing. 
Guard your conversation. Let it be pure from pro- 
fanity, slang and all vulgarity. Use your adjectives 
carefully so that they will mean something. 

Be punctual! Form the habit of being on time. 
Be at school a few minutes before nine; be prepared 
with your lesson when your class is called; be on 
time in all your obligations to teachers, parents, and 
others. Be on time for church or lecture. You 
should not disturb others by being late. 

Shouting, laughing, or any other boisterous con- 
duct on the street is not proper. Strangers judge us 
by our manners, as they see us, as they, of course, do 
not know us. It is therefore well to have on our good 
behavior at all times. People see us on the street who 
never see us elsewhere, and only know us by our 
manners as seen. Do not attract undue attention. 
Keep to the right, and if walking with a companion 
keep pace with him. Girls are often seen walking 
three, four, and even five abreast on crowded streets; 
this is not only rude, but positively selfish. Hating 
on the street is not allowable, neither is marking 
fences, snowballing, stopping in center of walk, staring 
at others, loud talking, etc. The street corner loafer 



318 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

is no gentleman, therefore don't be seen often on the 
corner. If a stranger asks to be directed to any place, 
comply with his wishes in a pleasant manner and to 
the best of yonr ability, considering that it is a priv- 
ilege to be thus honored. 

Strive to be gentle in speech and manner, not 
only to grown people, but to younger boys and girls. 
Do not take advantage of them in any way. Do not 
hesitate to be the friend of any domestic animal. How 
rude, senseless, weak and degrading it is to abuse the 
poor dog, cow, or horse, our servants and slaves. 
True, they were created for us, but for use, not to 
abuse. When a lady and gentleman are on the street 
the gentleman is expected to keep on the side of the 
walk next the street; but it is not necessary that 
at every crossing he change to conform to the changes 
that may be made by taking different sides of the 
street. If crossings are muddy the gentleman goes 
ahead of lady. 

Manners at home are of the greatest importance. 
If we are always polite at home, we will not fail being 
so away from home. A boy ought to show his mother 
and sisters every attention he would to any lady. 
Should they chance to meet on the street he should 
politely raise his hat; he should allow them to pass 



ETIQUETTE FOR BOYS AND GIRLS. 319 

first through a door, give them the inside of the walk, 
help them into a carriage, and everywhere and under 
all circumstances treat them with politeness and defer- 
ence, Girls should of course treat their brothers in 
the same polite manner. They can hardly expect to 
receive respectful attention which they do not think 
it worth while to bestow. There should be no quarel- 
ing or disagreement between members of a family. 
We should be very careful about hurting the feelings 
of anyone, especially the dear ones in the home 
circle. 

If our parents are not at home when visitors 
come, or too busy to see them at once, we should 
politely show them in, offer them a comfortable chair, 
show them anything we think they will be interested 
in, and make every effort to entertain them agree- 
ably until such time as our parents can take our 
place. We should then politely withdraw from the 
room. Young people sometimes have a fondness for 
telling of exploits in which they figure conspicuously 
and talking of their own doings and powers. Such 
conversation is in poor taste. In the presence of 
others avoid whistling, singing, or humming to your- 
self, or drumming with hands or feet. L,earn to sit 
gracefully and easily. Your hands and feet will take 



320 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

care of themselves if -you give them an opportunity, 
Don't tilt your chair, cross your legs, or elevate them 
on chairs, etc. 

Never look over the shoulder of anyone engaged 
in reading or writing, and on no account should you 
examine letters or papers of a private character unless 
invited to do so. A borrowed book is sometimes, at 
least it often so appears, considered the property of 
the borrower. This is not right. Return it as soon 
as you can and in as good condition as when you 
received it. Never loan it to a third person without 
the owner's permission. If you should unfortunately 
lose a borrowed book you are bound to replace it. 
Do not borrow every book you see, from your friends. 
If you are asked to examine some particular work and 
it pleases you, your friend will no doubt offer you the 
use of it. The same applies to patterns of dresses, etc. 
Many object to loaning such patterns because they do 
not wish the design to become common in their 
neighborhood. 

No young person of right feeling will fail to act 
politely and kind toward the old. It is a privilege 
to be allowed to show any consideration to one whose 
hair is whitened, and form bent with age. 

Boys and girls should not only feel but show as 



ETIQUETTE FOR BOYS AND GIRLS. 321 

well the greatest respect for their parents. No boy 
who amounts to anything, will ever indulge in such 
expressions as "the old gent," "the governor," and 
"the old lady," in speaking of his father and mother. 
When speaking of your father and mother, you should 
do so in terms of greatest respect. We should cheer- 
fully wait upon old people, and let them feel that our 
hands and feet are glad to take the place of theirs. 
We should listen attentively to all they have to say, 
answer their questions kindly, and relate any little 
incident we think might please them. In the cars, 
at church, or in any public place, a boy or girl should 
always rise and give his seat to an old person. Your 
parents love you best, and do their utmost for you; 
they are therefore entitled not only to your love, but 
to any attention which you can bestow. The reverse 
is too often the case. Children think their good 
manners are for society, and that in their own homes 
it makes no difference how they act. 

No ill remark should be made about the absent. 
If we strictly observe this, none will be made about 
any one. Do not gossip. The entire conversation of 
many ladies, young and old, is about their neighbors' 
habits, failings, and eccentricities. For no good 
reason should you allow yourself to get into this habit, 



322 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

neither should you listen to it. Time is worse than 
wasted in such foolishness. No doubt your neighbors 
are not perfect, neither are you yourself, 

Be truthful! form the habit of speaking and act- 
ing the truth. When you have grown older, you will 
learn that our inclinations for doing good or evil are 
largely governed by the previous acts of the mind. It 
will be readily understood then, that we will there- 
fore be continually on either the downward road to 
untruthfulness, baseness, and all that is wrong, or on 
the upward road toward all that is right. 

Be slow to make promises, but when made fulfil 
them if possible. If not within your power, lose no 
time in informing the person affected by the promise. 
It is well to learn to say "no" firmly but pleasantly; 
this will obviate the necessity of breaking many pro- 
mises. 

Before leaving our room, we should give careful 
attention to our person. Brush our clothes carefully, 
see that our hands, nails and teeth are clean, and our 
hair in nice order. It is improper to pick our teeth 
or clean our nails in the presence of others. 

Some young people are not as particular as they 
should be about certain articles of the toilet, such as 
combs, brushes, etc. We should always have such 



ETIQUETTE FOR BOYS AND GIRLS. 323 

things for our own individual use. It is exceedingly 
impolite to use any toilet article belonging to another. 

It is ill-mannered to ask questions, or to try to 
pry into the private affairs of our friends. To inquire 
the cost of articles of clothing is impudent. One 
who indulges in tale-bearing, or telling the secrets of 
friends, is to be despised. To make ill-natured 
remarks about the absent is unkind and impolite. 

We must not interrupt one who is speaking. If 
a person is addressing us, we ought to give him our 
attention, even though we are not interested. It is 
quite an art to be a good listener, and one that is quite 
as much appreciated in society as being a good 
talker. We ought to be willing in company to do 
what we can toward the general entertainment, 
Unless we are willing to contribute our share, we 
had better remain at home. If we are invited to 
read, sing, or play, it is much more polite and agree- 
able to comply cheerfully and do the best we can, than 
to be urged and coaxed, and finally after many apologies 
to do what is asked of us. One can not consistently 
comply with any such request after refusing twice. 

Whispering in company, in church, or in fact, 
anywhere should be avoided. If absolutely necessary, 
let it be brief, and on no account should it be followed 

22 



324 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

by laughter by either of the persons so engaged 
Laughter in any church shows ill breeding. If you 
can't control yourself, better stay away. Don't turn 
in your seats to see who the late comer is. The late 
coiner did wrong in not being on time, as he disturbs 
those, too weak to give their attention to the regular 
services, but this is no excuse for you. The same 
applies to attendance at lectures and other enter- 
tainments. 

Be ever mindful of the rights of others, therefore 
do not take the space of two in a railway or street car. 
Ladies often do this in street cars in our large cities. 
When you enter a store to purchase goods, do not 
always find fault with them and the prices. If goods 
and prices do not suit, say so frankly and go elsewhere. 
The post office and railway station are places of 
business, therefore do not spend your time to the an- 
noyance of others by lounging around at these places. 
If you have any business at these places, transact it 
and move away at once. 

Don't criticise this or that dish by saying, "I don't 
eat such." Simply decline what you do not want. 
Learn to eat slowly ; Americans eat too fast for manners 
or health. 

Never do anything that occasions any person 
unnecessary trouble. 



ETIQUETTE FOR BOYS AND GIRLS. 



325 



Be careful to express your thanks for any act of 
kindness received. 

Be ready to lend a helping hand to those who may 
need your assistance. A little act of kindness bestowed 
at the right time, is often of untold value, and will be 
very much in your favor. 




CHAPTER XXV. 



TOILET RECIPES. 




HOW TO BE BEAUTIFUL. 

HE woman who would not be beautiful, 
where is she? If such there be — but 
no, she does not exist. From that 
memorable day when the Queen of 
Sheba made a formal call on the lamen- 
ted King Solomon until death makes it 
qj impossible to adorn the mortal, women 
have and will continue to use any artificial means, 
for the power of beauty has controlled the fate of 
dynasties and the lives of men from the beginning. 
How to be beautiful, and consequently powerful, is a 
question of far greater importance to the feminine 
mind than predestination or any other abstract sub- 
ject. If women are to govern, control, manage, influ- 
ence, and retain the adoration of husbands, fathers, 
brothers, lovers, or even cousins, they must look their 
prettiest at all times. 



TOILET RECIPES. 327 

All women cannot have good features, but they 
can look well, and it is possible to a great extent to 
correct deformity and develop much of the figure. 
The first step to good looks is good health, and the 
first element of health is cleanliness. Keep clean — 
wash freely, bathe regularly. All the skin wants is 
leave to act, and it takes care of itself. In the matter 
of baths we do not strongly advocate a plunge in ice- 
cold water; it takes a woman with some of the clear 
grit that Robert Collyer loves to dilate on and a strong 
constitution to endure it. If a hot bath be used, let 
it come before retiring, as there is less danger of tak- 
ing cold afterwards; and, besides, the body is weakened 
by the ablution and needs immediate rest. It is well 
to use a flesh-brush, and afterwards rinse off the soap- 
suds by briskly rubbing the body with a pair of toilet 
gloves. The most important part of a bath is the 
drying. Every part of the body should be rubbed to 
a glowing redness, using a coarse crash towel at the 
finish. If sufficient friction cannot be given, a small 
amount of bay rum applied with the palm of the hand 
will be found efficacious. Ladies who have ample 
leisure and who lead methodical lives take a plunge 
or sponge bath three times a week, and a vapor or 
sun bath every day, the effect is both beneficial and 
delightful. 



528 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

One of the most useful articles of the toilet is a 
bottle of ammonia, and any lady who has once learned 
its value will never be without it. A few drops in the 
water take the place of the usual amount of soap, and 
clean out the pores of the skin as well as a bleach will 
do. Wash the face with a flesh-brush, and rub the 
lips well to tone their color. It is well to bathe the 
eyes before putting in the spirits, and if it is desirable 
to increase their brightness, this may be done by 
dashing soapsuds into them. Always rub the eyes, 
in washing, toward the nose. If the eyebrows are 
inclined or spread irregularly, pinch the hairs together 
where thickest. 

The dash of Orientalism in costume and lace 
now turns a lady's attention to her eyelashes, which 
are worthless if not long and drooping. Indeed, so 
prevalent is the desire for this beautiful feature that 
hair-dressers and ladies' artists have scores of cus- 
tomers under treatment for invigorating their stunted 
eyelashes and eyebrows. To obtain these fringed 
curtains, anoint the roots with a balsam made of 
two drachms of nitric oxide of %|rcury mixed with 
one of leaf lard. After an application wash the 
roots with a camel's hair brush dipped in warm 
milk. Tiny scissors are used, with which the lashes 



•v 



r idi w' 



TOIL ET RE CI PES. 329 

are carefully but slightly trimmed every other day. 
When obtained, refrain from rubbing or even touch- 
ing the lids with the finger-nails. There is more 
beauty in a pair of well-kept eyebrows and full, 
sweeping eyelashes than people are aware of, and a 
very inattractive and lustreless eye assumes new 
beauty when it looks out from beneath elongated 
fringes. Many ladies have a habit of rubbing the 
corners of their eyes to remove the dust that will fre- 
quently accumulate there. Unless the operation is 
done with little friction it will be found that the 
growth of hair is very spare, and in that case it will 
become necessary to pencil the barren corners. Instead 
of putting cologne water on the handkerchief, which 
has come to be considered a vulgarism among ladies 
of correct taste, the perfume is spent on the eyebrows 
and lobes of the ears. 

If commenced in youth, thick lips may be reduced 
by compression, and thin linear ones are easily modi- 
fied by suction. This draws the blood to the surfaces, 
and produces at first a temporary and, later, a perma- 
nent inflation. \wk a mistaken belief that biting the 
lips reddens them. The skin of the lips is very thin, 
rendering them extremely susceptible to organic de- 
rangement, and i^jhe atmosphere does not cause chaps 



f 



330 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE, 

or parchment, the result of such harsh treatment will 
develop into swelling or the formation of scars. Above 
all things, keep a sweeth breath. 

THE HANDS AND FACE. 

Everybody cannot have beautiful hands, but 
there is no plausible reason for their being ill-kept. 
Red hands may be overcome by soaking the feet in 
hot water as often as possible. If the skin is hard 
and dry, use tar or oat-meal soap, saturate them with 
glycerine, and wear gloves in bed. Never bathe them 
in hot water, and wash no oftener than is necessary. 
There are dozens of women with soft, white hands who 
do not put them in water once a month. Rubber 
gloves are worn in making the toilet, and they are 
cared for by an ointment of glycerine and rubbed dry 
with chamois-skin or cotton-flannel. The same treat- 
ment is not unfrequently applied to the face with the 
most successful results. If such methods are used, it 
would be just as well to keep the knowledge of it from 
the gentlemen. We know of one beautiful lady who 
has not washed her face for three years, yet it is 
always clean, rosy, sweet, and kissable. With some 
of her other secrets she gave it to her lover for safe 
keeping. Unfortunately, it proved to be her last gift 



TOILET RECIPES. 331 

to that gentleman, who declared in a subsequent note 
that "I cannot reconcile my heart and my manhood 
to a woman who can get along without washing her 
face. ' ' 

THE SECRETS OF BEAUTY. 

There is as much a "fashion" in complexion as 
there is in bonnets or boots. Sometimes nature is the 
mode, sometimes art. Just now the latter is in the 
ascendant, though, as a rule, only in that inferior 
phase which has not reached the "concealment of art" 
-the point where extremes meet and the perfection of 
artifice presents all the appearance of artlessness. No 
one of an observant turn of mind, who is accustomed 
to the sight of English maids and matrons, can 
deny that making-up, as at present practiced, is de- 
ceptive and almost perfect to nature. Impossible reds 
and whites grow still more impossibly red and white 
from week to week under the unskilled hands of the 
wearer of "false colors," who does not like to ask for 
advice on so delicate a subject, for, even were she 
willing to confess to the practice, the imputation of 
experience conveyed in the asking for counsel might 
be badly received; and would scarcely be in good 
taste. 



332 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

The prevalent and increasing short-sightedness 
of our times is, perhaps, partly the cause of the exces- 
sive use of rouge and powder. The wielder of the pow- 
der puff sees herself afar off, as it were. She knows that 
she cannot judge of the effect of her complexion with 
her face almost touching its reflection in the glass. 
She naturally accentuates her roses and lilies in a way 
that looks very pleasing to her, but is rather startling 
to any one with longer sight. Nor can she tone down 
her rouge with the powdered hair that softened the 
artificial coloring of her grandmother when she had 
her day, Powder is only occasionally worn with 
evening dress, and it is by daylight that those dread- 
ful bluish reds and whites look their worst. 

On the other hand, there are some women so 
clever at making up their faces that one almost feels 
inclined to condone the practice in admiration of the 
result. These are the small minority, and are likely 
to remain so, for their secret is of a kind unlikely to 
be shared.. The closest inspection of these cleverly 
managed complexions reveals no trace of art. 

Notwithstanding the reticence of these skilled 
artists, an occasional burst of confidence has revealed 
a few of their means of accomplishing the great end 
of looking pretty. ' 'Do you often do that?' ' said one 



TOIL ET RE CI PES. 333 

of those clever ones, a matron of 35 who looked like 
a girl of 18, to a friend who was vigorously rubbing 
her cheeks with a coarse towel after a plentiful 
application of cold water. 

" Yes, every time I come in from a walk, ride or 
drive. Why?" 

i 'Well, no wonder you look older than you are. 
You are simply wearing your face out!" 

"But I must wash?" 

"Certainly, but not like that. Take a leaf out 
of my book; never wash your face just before going 
out into the fresh air, or just after coming in. Noth- 
ing is more injurious to the skin. Come to the 
glass. Do you notice a drawn look about your eyes 
and a general streakiness in the cheeks. This is the 
result of your violent assault upon your complexion 
just now. You look at this moment ten years older 
than you did twenty minutes ago in the park." 

"Well, I really do. I look old enough to be your 
mother; but then, you are wonderful. You always 
look so young and fresh!" 

* 'Because I never treat my poor face so badly as 
you do yours. I use rain water, and if I cannot get 
that, I have the water filtered. When I dress for 
dinner I always wash my face with milk, adding just 



334 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

enough hot water to make it pleasant to use. A very 
soft sponge and very fine towel take the place of your 
terrible huckaback arrangement." 

Two or three years ago a lady of Oriental parent- 
age on her father's side spent a season in London 
society. Her complexion was brown, relieved by 
yellow, her features large and irregular, but redeemed 
by a pair of lovely and expressive eyes. So perfect 
was her taste in dress that she always attracted admi- 
ration wherever she went. Dressed in rich dark 
brown or dullest crimsons or russets, so that no one 
ever noticed much what she wore, she so managed that 
suggestions and hints — no more — oi brilliant amber 
or pomegranate scarlet should appear just where they 
imparted brilliancy to her deep coloring, and abstract 
the yellow from her skin. A knot of old gold satin 
under the rim of her bonnet, another at her throat, 
and others in among the lace at her wrists, brightening 
up the otherwise subdued tinting of her costume, so 
that it always looked as though it had been designed 
expressly for her. Here rouge was unnecessary. The 
surroundings were arranged to suit the complexion, 
instead of the complexion to suit the surroundings. 
There can be no doubt as to which is the method 
which best becomes the gentlewoman. 



TOILET RE CI PES. . 335 

In addition to the disagreeable sensation of 
making-up, it must be remembered that the use of 
some of the white powders eventually destroys the 
texture of the skin rendering it rough and coarse. 
Rimmel, the celebrated perfumer, in his "Book of 
Perfumes," says that rouge, being composed of cochi- 
neal and saffron, is harmless, but that white cosmetics 
consist occasionally of deleterious substances which 
may injure the health. 

POWDERS AND COSMETICS. 

The numerous agents of this group are employed 
for two different purposes, either as protecting and 
moisture-absorbing agents, or as concealing and 
coloring nature. For the former, vegetable substances 
are chiefly used; for the latter, mineral substances. 

When the fine skin of the face and hands is 
exposed to the atmosphere after being washed with 
soap, or with simple water, even when thoroughly 
dried, it becomes rough and fissured. Persons en- 
deavor to combat this by using all sorts of creams and 
powders on the skin. 

Starch is considered the most important repre- 
sentative of all powders; pure starch finely powdered 
and applied to the skin makes it smooth and cool, 



336 POLITE LIFE At P ETIQUETTE. 

lessens the irritation and pain of sensitive superficially 
excoriated spots, and protects them from the influence 
of too high or too low temperatures, and from the 
rubbing of neighboring portions of the skin. All fine 
powders, and especially vegetables ones, absorb fluids 
which have been poured or rubbed on the skin; these 
mixed with fluids or the sweat, form a thick, tena- 
cious paste, which becomes detached in the form of 
blackish masses. At the same time a chemical 
change occurs and the paste becomes sour from the 
formation of acidum lacticum. 

COMPLEXION WASH. 

Put in a vial one drachm of benzoin gum in pow- 
der, one drachm nutmeg oil, six drops or orange-blossom 
tea, or apple-blossoms put in half pint of rain-water 
and boiled down to one teaspoonful and strained, one 
pint of sherry wine. Bathe the face morning and 
night; will remove all flesh worms and freckles, 
and give a beautiful complexion . Or, put one 
ounce of powdered gum of benzoin in pint of whiskey; 
to use, put in water in wash-bowl till it is milky, 
allowing it to dry without wiping. This is perfectly 
harmless. 



TOILET RECIPES 337 

TO CLEAR A TANNED SKIN. 

Wash with a solution of carbonate of soda and a 
little lemon-juice; then with Fuller's earth-water, or 
the juice of unripe grapes. 

Oil, TO MAKE THE HAIR CURL. 

Olive oil, one pound; oil of organurn, one drachm: 
oil rosemary, one and one-half drachms. 

WRINKLES. 

White wax, one ounce; strained, honey, two 
ounces; juice of lily-bulbs, two ounces. The fore- 
going melted and stirre4 together will remove 
wrinkles. 

PEARL WATER FOR THE FACE. 

Put half a pound best Windsor soap scraped fine 
into half a gallon of boiling water; stir it well until it 
cools, add a pint of spirits of wine and half an ounce 
of oil of rosemary ; stir well. This is a good cosmetique, 
and will remove freckles. 

PEARL DENTIFRICE. 

Prepare chalk, one-half pound; powdered myrrh, 
two ounces; camphor, two drachms;, orris-root pow- 



338 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

dered, two ounces. Moisten the camphor with alcohol 
and mix all well together. 

WASH FOR A BLOTCHED FACE. 

Rose water, three ounces; sulphate of zinc, one 

drachm; mix. Wet the face with it, gently dry it and 

then touch it over with cold cream, which also gently 

dry off. 

FACE POWDER. 

Take of wheat starch, one pound; powdered orris- 
root, three ounces; oil of lemon, thirty drops; oil of 
bergamot, oil of cloves, each fifteen drops. Rub 
thoroughly together. 

BANDOLINE. 

To one quart of rose-water add an ounce and a 
half of gum tragacanth; let it stand forty-eight hours, 
frequently straining it, then strain through a coarse 
linen cloth; let it stand two days, and again strain ; add 
to it a drachm of oil of roses; used by ladies dressing 
their hair, to make it lie in any position. 

A GOOD WASH FOR THE HAIR. 

One pennyworth of borax r half a pint of olive-oil, 
one pint of boiling water. 



TOILET RECIPES. ,339 

Mode: Pour the boiling water over the borax 
and oil; let it cool; then put the mixture into a bottle. 
Slake it before using, and apply it with a flannel. 
Camphor and borax, dissolved in boiling water and 
left to cool, make a very good wash for the hair; as 
also does rosemary water mixed with a little borax. 
After using any of these washes, when the hair becomes 
thoroughly dry, a little pomatum or oil should be 
rubbed in, to make it smooth and glossy, 

TO REMOVE DANDRUFF. 

Take a piece of gum camphor as large as a chest- 
nut and place it in one pint of alcohol. This cam- 
phorizes the alcohol. The mixture may be perfumed 
to suit the individual. Wet the scalp with this daily. 
It will stimulate the scalp, promote the growth of 
the hair, and in many instances prevent if from falling 
out. 

TO PRESERVE THE HAIR. 

Men should have their hair cut short if it begins 

to fall out, give it a good brushing with a moderately 

stiff brush while the hair is dry ; then wash it well 

with a suds of castile soap and tepid water, and rub 

into the scalp, about the roots of the hair, a little bay 

rum, brandy or camphor water, twice a month. It is 

well to brush the scalp twice a week. Dampen the 

hair with pure soft water every time the toilet is made. 
23 



340 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

TO PREVENT THE HAIR FROM TURNING GRAY. 

One-half ounce sugar of lead, one-half ounce lac 
sulphur, one ounce glycerine, one quart rain water. 
Saturate the hair and scalp with this two or three 
times per week and you will soon have a head free 
from gray hairs and dandruff, while the hair will be 
soft and glossy. 

The head should be kept cool by using, occasion- 
ally, sage tea with a little borax added. Apply with 
a small sponge to every part of the head just before 
dressing the hair. 

CURE FOR BALDNESS. 

If the head has become bald, and the hair will 
grow at all, it may be restored by washing the head 
well every morning with the following: Four large 
haudfuls of the stem and the leaves of the garden box, 
boiled in three pints of water in a closely covered 
vessel for fifteen minutes, and allowed to stand in an 
earthen jar ten hours or more; then strain the liquid 
and add one ounce and a half of cologne. 

TO RESTORE GRAY HAIR. 

Hair may be restored to its natural color and beau- 
tified by the daily use of the following: Five grains 



TOILE T RE CI PES. 341 

sulphurate of potassium, half an ounce glycerine, one 
ounce tincture of acetate of iron and one pint of soft 
water. Mix and let the bottle stand open until the 
smell of potassium has disappeared, and then add a 
few drops attar of roses. The hair should be rubbed 
with a little of this daily. 

Bathing the head in a weak solution of ammonia, 
an even teaspoonful of carbonate of ammonia to a 
quart of water, washing the head thoroughly with 
this, and brushing the hair while wet, is said to 
restore color. 

A strong solution of rock-salt has restored gray 
hair. Take two tablespoonfuls to a quart of boiling 
water, and let it stand until cool before using. 

HAIR REMOVED BY FEVERS. 

If the hair has been removed by fevers, it 
may be made to grow by washing the scalp two 
or three times a day with a strong decoction of sage 
leaves. 

TONIC FOR THE HAIR. 

Two ounces of French brandy, two of bay rum 
and one ounce of the best castor oil well mixed, is an 
excellent tonic for the hair. 



342 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

CURLING AND CRIMPING THE HAIR. 

Most all curling fluids are mere impositions, but 
with a weak solution of isinglass a firm and perpetual 
form may be given to the hair. This solution is 
inoffensive. 

BRUSHING THE HAIR. 

The hair should be well brushed every day in 
order to keep it in perfect condition. Always use the 
best brushes; they are the cheapest in the end. Use 
the brush very rapidly and for about five minutes. A 
celebrated beauty said, "the hair should receive one 
hundred strokes a day, and they should be applied in 
three minutes time." 

CARE OF THE TEETH. 

Never allow a particle of food of any kind to 
remain between the teeth. 

Use the brush before breakfast and after each 
meal. 

Brush lengthwise of the teeth, or up and down, 
as well as across. 

The brush should not be too stiff nor too soft. The 
one will wear the teeth in the course of time, and the 
other will not thoroughly cleanse them. 



TOILET RECIPES. 343 

Pure castile soap is better than prepared pow- 
ders. 

Use a goose quill toothpick freely after each meal. 

Take two ounces of myrrh in fine powder, two 
tablespoonfuls of honey, and a little sage in fine 
powder. Mix them well together, and wet the teeth 
and gums with a little every night and morning. This 
will keep the teeth and gums clean. 

TO CLEAN BLACK TEETH. 

Pulverize equal parts of salt and cream of tartar, 
and mix them thoroughly. After washing the 
teeth in the morning, rub them with this powder, 
and after a few such applications the blackness will 
disappear. 

TO CLEAN THE TEETH AND GUMS. 

Mix a little finely powdered green sage, one ounce 
of myrrh in fine powder, with two tablespoonfuls of 
honey. Every night aud morning, wet the teeth and 
gums with a little of this preparation. 

TO BEAUTIFY THE TEETH. 

Dissolve two ounces of borax in three pints of 
boiling water, and add one tablespoonful of spirits of 
camphor before it is cold ; bottle for use. A teaspoonful 



344 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

of this with an equal quantity of tepid water may be 
used every time the teeth are washed. 

TOOTHACHE PREVENTIVE. 
Use flour of sulphur as a tooth powder every 
night, rubbing the teeth and gums with a rather hard 
tooth brush. If used also after dinner, all tfee better. 
It preserves the teeth, and does not communicate any 
smell whatever to the mouth. 

WASH FOR THE TEETH. 
The safest, cheapest and most effective tooth 
wash is pure soft water and the finest quality of castile 
soap; apply with a moderately stiff brush, morning 
and evening. 

TO MAKE LIP SALVE. 

Place a jar in a basin of boiling water. Melt an 
ounce each of white wax and spermaceti, flour of 
benzoin fifteen grains, and half an ounce of oil of 
almonds. Stir until the mixture is cold, and color 
red with a little alkanet root. 

REMEDY FOR CHAPPED LIPS. 

Melt in a glass vessel, and stir with a wooden 
spoon one ounce of white wax, four ounces of oil of 
roses, and one-half ounce of spermaceti. Pour into 



TOIL ET RE CI PES . 345 

a glass or china cup. Add ten drops of carbolic 

acid to one ounce of glycerine, and apply freely at 

night. 

LOTION TO REMOVE FRECKLES. 

Dissolve three grains of borax in five drams of 
rose water, and orange flower water. A very simple 
and harmless remedy is equal parts of pure glycerine 
and rose water applied every night and allowed to dry. 

TO REMOVE SUNBURN. 

A good article to remove sunburn is made by 
pouring a quart of boiling water upon a handful of 
bran, letting it stand an hour and then strain. Put 
it in a pint of bay rum when cold, and wash the face 
with it three times every day. 

Milk of almonds is recommended as a good 
remedy. 

One pound of ox gall, two drams of borax, one 
dram of camphor, one dram of alum, and half an 
ounce of sugar candy, mixed and stirred well for ten 
minutes, and strained through blotting paper when 
transparent, is also recommended. Bottle for use 
and stir several times a fortnight. 

TAN. 

One-half pint of new milk, one-half ounce of 
white brandy, and one-fourth ounce of lemon juice 



346 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

boiled together, skimmed clean from scum, and used 
night and morning, will remove tan. 

FRECKLES. 

Freckles may be removed by applying with a 
linen rag a mixture of one pint of pure alcohol, two 
gallons of strong soapsuds, and a quarter of an ounce 
of rosemary. 

Horseradish grated into sweet milk and let stand 
for ten hours may be used for the same purpose. 

Finely powdered nitre applied to the freckles 
with the moistened finger is very effective. 

One ounce of honey mixed with one pint of luke- 
warm water, and applied when cold, is said to be a 
good freckle lotion. 

FOR CLOTHES THAT FADE. 

One ounce sugar of lead in a pail of rain water. 
Soak over night. 

LAMP-WICKS. 

To insure a good light, wicks must be changed 
often, as they soon become clogged, and do not permit 
the free passage of oil. Soaking wicks in vinegar 
twenty-four hours before placing in lamp insures a 
clear flame. 



TOILE T RE CIPES. 347 

TO MAKE OLD CRAPE LOOK NEARLY EQUAL TO NEW, 

Place a little water in a teakettle, and let it boil 
until there is plenty of steam from the spout; then 
holding the crape in both hands, pass it to and fro 
several times through the steam, and it will be clean 
and nearly equal to new. 

TO CLEAN KID GLOVES. 

Rub with very slightly damp bread-crumbs. If 
not effectual scrape upon them dry Fuller's earth or 
French chalk, when on the hands, and rub them quick- 
ly together in all directions. Do this several times. Or 
put gloves of a light color on the hands and wash the 
hands in a basin of spirits of hartshorn. Some gloves 
may be washed in a strong lather made of soft soap 
and warm water or milk; or wash with rice pulp; or 
sponge them wel with turpentine, and hang them in 
a warm place or where there is a current of air, and 
all smell of turpentine will be removed. 

HOME DRESSMAKING. 

The art of dressmaking in America has been of 
late years so simplified that almost anyone with a 
reasonable degree of executive ability can manufacture 
a fashionable costume by using an approved pattern 



348 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

and following the directions printed upon it, selecting 
a new pattern for each distinct style; while in Europe 
many ladies adhere to the old plan of cutting one 
model and using it for everything, trusting to personal 
skill or luck to gain the desired formation. However, 
some useful hints are given which are well worth 
offering after the paper pattern has been chosen. 

The best dressmakers here and abroad use silk for 
lining, but nothing is so durable and preserves the 
material as well as a firm slate twill. This is sold 
double width and should be laid out thus folded: place 
the pattern upon it with the upper part toward the 
cut end, the selvedge for the fronts. The side pieces 
for the back will most probably be got out of the 
width, while the top of the back will fit in the inter- 
sect of the front. A yard of good stuff may be often 
saved by laying the pattern out and well considering 
how one part cuts into another. Prick the outline 
on to the lining; these marks serve as a guide for the 
tacking. 

In forming the front side plaits be careful and do 
not allow a fold or crease to be apparent on the bodice 
beyond where the stitching commences. To avoid 
this, before beginning stick a pin through what is to 
be the top of the plait. The head will be on the right 



TOIL ET RE CI PES. 349 

side, and holding the point, one can begin pinning 
the seam without touching the upper part of the 
bodice. To ascertain the size of the buttonholes put 
a piece of card beneath the button to be used and cut 
it an eighth of an inch on either side beyond. Hav- 
ing turned down the piece in front on the buttonhole 
side run a thread a sixteenth of an inch from extreme 
edge, and again another the width of the card. Begin 
to cut the first buttonhole at the bottom of the 
bodice, and continue at equal distances. The other 
side of the bodice is left wide enough to come 
well under the bottonholes. The buttonholes must 
be laid upon it and a pin put through the centre 
of each to mark where the button is to be placed. 
In sewing on the buttons put the stitches in hori- 
zontally, if perpendicularly they are likely to pucker 
that side of the bodice so much that it will be quite 
drawn up, and the buttons will not match the 

buttonholes. 

a woman's skirt. 

Observe the extra fatigue which is insured to 
every woman in merely carrying a tray upstairs, 
from the skirts of the dress. Ask any young women 
who are studying to pass examinations whether they 
do not find loose clothes a sine qua non while por- 



350 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

ing over their books, and then realize the harm we 
are doing ourselves and the race by habitually low- 
ering our powers of life and energy in such a manner. 
As a matter of fact it is doubtful whether any per- 
sons have ever been found who would say that their 
stays were at all tight; and, indeed, by a muscular 
contraction they can apparently prove that they are 
not so by moving them about on themselves, and thus 
probably believe what they say. That they are in error 
all the same they can easily assure themselves by tirst 
measuring round the waist outside the stays; then 
take them cff, let them measure while they take a 
deep breath, with the tape merely laid on the body 
as if measuring for the quantity of braid to go round 
a dress, and mark the result. The injury done by 
stays is so entirely internal that it is not strange that 
the maladies caused by wearing them should be 
attributed to every reason under the sun except the 
true one, which is, briefly, that all the internal organs, 
being by them displaced, are doing their work imper- 
fectly and under the least advantageous conditions; 
and are, therefore, exactly in the state most favor- 
able to the development of disease, whether heredi- 
tary or otherwise — Maxmillai? s Magazine. 



TOILET RECIPES. 351 

PERSPIRATION. 

The unpleasant odor produced by perspiration is 
often the source of vexation to persons who are sub- 
ject to it. Instead of using costly ingredients and 
perfumes, wash the face, hands and arms with water 
to which has been added two tablespoonfuls of the 
compound spirits of ammonia. It will leave the skin 
as clean, sweet and fresh as one could wish. It is very 
cheap, perfectly harmless, and is recommended on 
the authority of an experienced physician. 

TO WARD OFF MOSQUITOES. 

Apply to the skin a solution made of fifty drops 
carbolic acid to an ounce of glycerine. Mosquito 
bites may be instantly cured by touching them with 
this solution. Add two or three drops of the attar of 
roses to disguise the smell. The pure, crystalized 
form of the acid has a less powerful odor than the 
common preparation. 

FOR SOFT CORNS. 

Soft corns between the toes may be healed with a 
weak solution of carbolic acid. 

TO REMOVE CORNS. 

Take a lemon, cut a piece of it off, then nick it 
so as to let into the toe with corn, the pulp next the 



352 POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

corn; tie this on at night so that it cannot move, and 
the next morning a blunt knife will remove the corn 
to a great extent. Two or three applications will 
cure. 

A strong solution of pearlash applied to corns will 
soften them so that they may be easily drawn out. 

INGROWING NAILS. 

Cut a notch in the center of the nail, or scrape it 
thin in the middle. 

Put a small piece of tallow in a spoon and heat it 
over a lamp until it becomes very hot. Drop two or 
three drops between the nail and granulations. The 
pain and tenderness will be at once relieved, and in 
a few days the granulations will all be gone. One 
or two applications will cure the most obstinate 
cases. If the tallow is properly heated, the opera- 
tion will cause little, if any, pain. 

TO REMOVE WARTS. 

Dissolve two or three cents worth of sal ammo- 
niac in a gill of soft water, and wet the warts fre- 
quently with this solution. They will disappear" in 
a week or two. 



TOILE T RE CIPES, 353 

Apply a weak solution of potash in the same 
manner. 

Wash the warts two or three times a day with 
strong brine. 

REMEMBER. 

A sun-bath is of more worth than much warming 
by the fire. 

Books exposed to the atmospere keep in better 
condition than if confined in a book-case. 

Pictures are both for use and ornament. They 
serve to recall pleasant memories and scenes; they 
harmonize with the furnishing of the rooms. If they 
serve neither of these purposes they are worse than 
useless; they only help fill space which would look 
better empty, or gather dust and make work to keep 
them clean. 

A room filled with quantities of trifling orna- 
ments has the look of a bazar and displays neither 
good taste nor good sense. Artistic excellence aims 
to have all the furnishings of a high order of work- 
manship combined with simplicity, while good sense 
understands the folly of dusting a lot of rubbish. 

A poor book had best be burned to give place to 
a better, or even to an empty shelf, for the fire de- 



354 



POLITE LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 



stroys its poison, and puts it out of the way of doing 
harm. 

Better economize in the purchasing of furniture 
or carpets than scrimp in buying good books or 
papers. 

Our sitting-rooms need never be empty of guests 
or our libraries of society if the company of good 
books is admitted to them. 




oo 






o 




^ JV ■ %<# *J|§ ; \£ 








V ft o "/' 8 I "* V 9 - ^ * M ° N 






o ^ v 



* H •* 





. ^. * = ko' 5 a0' 








W* .#'% : 


< 


g5 -4 *>£. • 





o 
B 



' V ^ * A"" <• %^i\ 




^ ,\ = ^<^ 



<^ ^ ° 




A' 



* '<, 



,«o. 



-%-s^ 




,0 A^'"%^ A^ 

" ^ ■ % 4- * 



* H -^ 










'/ > 



lV </> 



- ci- ^ v 

1 \ A °/ ^ 

.A* 




v v 



"%. $ 


















%, 



^ ^ 






^'% 



"« ^ 



. 






^V - N C , -/^, 






: : ,^ 



I 






* <* 



% 



, ^ A 9 



«> 



V '* 



V V 









\ 






-^ ^ 






• o- 









\V </> 









